Part One
New York, New York
Miss Sueann... Nurse Sueann... has this very subtle manner of expressing, actualizing her authority.
For example, during my initial return visit to the doctor’s office, after my operation, she insisted on holding my hand. She’s a large woman, I am rather diminutive... ‘homunculous’ high school mates taunted in discovering the humorously memorable word in the dictionary. So it appeared that she was a mother leading about a child. For it was during the walk from the changing room to the examination room while naked and completely exposed to the receptionist and other office staff, that she firmly grasped my left hand and led. A woman, presumably a wife waiting for her husband, also found cute humor in the small parade of white uniformed nurse and denudated young male.
And the hand holding was not done so much to comfort as when I was lying strapped down and awaiting the doctor and her scalpel. No, this was a deliberate conveyance of power. Plus, as I later ruminated, the holding of my hand prevented me from cupping both of my hands over my privates, if such remains the proper term for my pubes area.
‘You’re being acclimatized, Mr. Warren. You’ll work with us and in time feel better,’ the doctor later offered in explanation when I called to complain about the seemingly long walk sans clothing from changing room to examination room.
The doctor’s words were more or less a verbal shrug at Nurse Sueann’s questionable comportment, a ‘what’s the big deal’ type of reaction. And again, there was the subtlety of how she phrased it. Not ‘we suggest some acclimatization’... or perhaps ‘we believe it is best to acclimate yourself’. No, it was the active tense with me becoming the subject of a process.
Clever stuff, I suppose. Everything said and done to slowly immerse me... and without a scintilla of physical coercion... other than while secured to the operating table.
So here we are. Another visit, and I obediently sit naked in the changing room, made to wait. Always made to wait. Nothing ever happens at my volition. I move only when summoned or told to move, those are the rules. And as the doctor suggested, I am being acclimatized to the rules. And besides, without clothing, one is not apt to stand in frustration, thrust open the door and make a scene.
Finally, the door opens and Nurse Sueann, her imposing frame blocking just about the entire opening, stands and smirks. She may interpret her look as a pleasant smile of greeting, but in my mind she gloats.
“Well, Mr. Warren, back to see us again.”
She annoyingly crooks her index finger, the gesture to arise and approach. I silently comply and when she extends her right arm, I know to offer my left hand.
“I do believe you’re putting on some weight. We’ll get you on the scale then do some measuring.”
For men in my condition, the scale does not fully reveal the expected slow change. One loses muscle density, thus lightening body mass, but one tends to accumulate fat, becoming heavier. So in the inexorable transition, the scale does not fully evidence what the gloating Nurse Sueann desires to know. Thus with each visit the circumference of my neck, waist line and all limbs are measured and recorded. Plus calipers are used to meticulously assay the thickness of my epidermis at numerous specific areas... many small dots indelibly mark my skin to offer comparative precision.
Yes, she gloats indeed when measuring my buttocks. And such explains the need for complete nakedness during each visit.
The walk is slow through the reception area. A pretty young receptionist stifles a giggle, as my free hand attempts to cover myself below. Once again a mature woman, ostensibly waiting for her husband, gapes then smiles when noting the level of Nurse Sueann’s control.
‘No need for alarm’, she comforts herself in spying what my hand so futilely attempts to cover.
“Do you still need to shave every day?” a brazen Nurse Sueann openly inquires.
Again, the subtlety, further hinting to the waiting woman of my condition, bringing satisfying conclusion to her scrutinizing glare.
Into the examination room, Nurse Sueann leads me to the scale where by rote I step up. She releases my hand and gestures, and I know to humbly fold my hands atop my head.
“Shaving?” she sternly repeats the question.
“Every other day. But I skipped both Saturday and Sunday,” I reply, my voice so disappointingly docile.
Knowing hands whisk about the counter weights of the scale.
“115 pounds. You’ve gained two. Think the hormones are working. But I’ll still give you a booster shot.”
Then comes the tape measure and more subtle authority, announcing aloud that my biceps have shrunken and my thighs fattened. When the calipers begin to assess the epidermis, Nurse Sueann is in her element, palpating my nakedness without hesitation, gleefully announcing that though the weight gain is only two pounds, significant thickness has been accumulated at the buttocks.
“And your biceps are particularly plump, despite the shrinkage. More fat than muscle, your transition is beginning to cascade.”
So mirthful in her prognostication. I do not join her, but within there is an ironic sense of accomplishment... a strange reaction upon which I have been well counseled.
“Have you masturbated?” she brashly inquires looking down at the clipboard which records all.
I shake my head ‘no’.
“A verbal reply please... the rules.”
“No, Nurse Sueann, I have not masturbated,” my voice quaking with the forced expression of sordid words.
“Any desire to masturbate?”
By now I should be accustomed to the inquiry. But I cannot steady my voice.
“At times,” I squeak.
“At what times? Be specific.”
I delay, my mind racing. With each visit, I know the questions are coming, yet I seem to search longer and longer each time for a reply. Why cannot I just blurt the answer?
“Well there was really only one time.”
“Details please, Mr. Warren. Always details.”
So I offer. Another prognostication coming to realization... that I will slowly and consistently become meek... obedient. I hated to hear that word during counseling... but I now find it to be apt.
“In the park. I was trying to get some exercise because... well you know. There was a young couple sitting on a bench and they were... well rather bold with their hands. It was a warm day and their attire was… brief. And despite the temperature, the girl’s nipples were crinkled and pressed against this really thin almost see through blouse.”
“And the boy?”
Yes, details. Always the details. Nurse Sueann insists on hearing that one detail I would choose to neglect.
“His trousers were bulging. The girl’s hand was at his thigh, but I suspect it was moved there when she saw me approaching.”
“And the sight brought arousal?”