As I sat there, listening to Chance deliver Rayne’s eulogy, I found it difficult to even breathe. This wasn’t fair. I heard someone weeping in the pew behind me and glanced to see an older woman drying her tears with a handkerchief. I’d never seen the woman but she was visibly distraught; probably depressed about the horrific situation like everyone else.
“Yardley, did you want to say something?” I heard Chance speak the words but they didn’t register until she repeated them. “Yardley, would you like to say something?”
Chance was standing in the pulpit, holding out her hand to me. I stood up slowly, willing my knees not to give up underneath me. Mom and Dad were flanking me on both sides in the pew and the safety net was suddenly invisible as I somehow managed to make it up there and face everyone.
Many of the faces I recognized and many I didn’t. They’d run the story about Rayne’s murder on all the local television stations but had no leads on finding her killer. Obviously a young punk who had no value for life; especially his own. I would’ve given anything to get my hands on him at that moment and would’ve given even more to get Rayne back. I’m sure the poor man who’d lost his wife and child in the same massacre felt the same way. Their double funeral had been the day before.
Many strangers had come to pay their respects to the beautiful young woman who had lost her life for no reason. The young woman who’d finalized her wedding chart and the menu with the caterer mere hours before she was gunned down like an animal.
“Do you need me to stay up here with you?” Chance whispered.
“No, I’ll be fine.”
As Chance descended the steps to take a seat, I found myself staring at Rayne’s casket. It was now closed but the memories of her wake both haunted me and gave me pause to reflect on her beauty. It was her mother’s idea to bury Rayne in her wedding dress. At first, I was opposed but then both she and Chance convinced me that it was what Rayne would’ve desired. That dress meant so much to her; she’d put forth so much time and effort to find the perfect one. Perfect it was; like she was to me.
Chance sat next to Rayne’s mother and placed her arm around her. The death of her only child had devastated her. She was merely a shell of the woman she once was. I’d made all of the funeral arrangements because I knew she could never handle them.
I cleared my throat, made a fist with my right hand, and pressed it down on the podium in anger. “This isn’t supposed to be happening,” I said, speaking softly at first into the microphone. “I’d like to thank everyone for coming here today. It sounds crazy to say that because a month from now, I would’ve been standing up in a banquet hall not far from here, at my wedding reception, thanking everyone for coming to witness my marriage to the woman I love.”
I paused and looked at all my boys, sitting there together in the third pew, with tears in all of their eyes. We’d been through so much together since our youth; in the heat of the moment, they were always there for me. This was no exception.
“I do love Rayne,” I continued. “And even though she is gone, in the physical sense, she’ll always exist right here.” I placed my left hand over my chest. “Right here, in my heart. Rayne loved her life and everyone and everything in it. She had her ups and downs, her disappointments, but she kept everything in the right perspective. She…” I searched for the right word for a second. “She appreciated life; even when it let her down.”
Rayne’s mother started flailing her arms in the air and screamed, “I’m so sorry, baby! I’m so sorry I wasn’t a better momma!”
Chance managed to calm her. At least she knew that she’d been the cause of much pain in Rayne’s life.
“More than anything in this world, I wanted to be Rayne’s husband. I wanted to be the father of her children. I wanted to watch her age, get gray hair and wrinkles, get dentures, walk with a cane; whatever life held in store for her. To me, she would’ve always been lovely; no matter what.” I stared at her coffin again, the white ivory one with brass handles and a huge arrangement of pink roses. “But God had other plans for Rayne. For whatever the reasons, He had her venture into that store the other day, and now she’s with Him.”
I grasped onto the podium with both hands because I felt like I might collapse. “Everyone, each and every one of you, need to appreciate your lives. Don’t let a single day pass without telling someone you love them. Better yet, don’t simply be about words. Show someone that you love them; be it an effortless gesture or even a hug or kiss. Let them know that they’re loved. Rayne and I wasted a lot of time; before and after we became a couple. We wasted a lot of time in the beginning thinking that we were both tied down with someone else. We wasted a lot of time getting caught up in other people’s problems and letting them cause us problems in return. I wish that she and I could get all that time back. I wish that we could start over. I would’ve spoken to her the first day I laid eyes on her in the bank. I would’ve asked her to share a cup of coffee or a couple of bagels.” I found myself grinning as I recalled Rayne pretending to meet me in the bagel store instead of on her job. “Life truly is short; whether you live ten years or a hundred. Sooner or later, it’s taken away. Live it so you have no regrets when your time comes.”
I daydreamed during the entire repast in the church meeting hall. People came up to me constantly expressing their regrets. But they all seemed to blend together for me. Chance tried to force-feed me but I refused. I doubted that I’d ever have a real appetite again. Nothing would ever be the same for me. Food wouldn’t taste the same. The sun wouldn’t shine the same. My practice meant nothing to me. My life meant nothing to me. All I could think about was Rayne Waters. The way she smiled. The way she smelled. The way she tripped over her own feet all the time. The devilish grin she gave me when she was up to something sneaky. The way she screamed out my name when we made love.
“Earth to Yardley.”
I glanced beside me to see Rayne’s mother sitting there. She placed her hand on my arm.
“How are you holding up?” I asked her.
Arjay shrugged. “As well as can be expected. I’m gonna miss my baby girl so much.”
“That makes two of us.”
She looked across the room where Chance was being held up against a wall by Ricky. Chance’s eyes were practically swollen shut. Her parents had come into town for the funeral and they were standing nearby; probably feeling helpless as far as coming to her aid. My parents had sat beside me during the service and the interment at the cemetery. Now they were busy, working the room, expressing their gratitude to everyone for their support.
“Chance is gonna really have a hard time,” Arjay said. “They’ve been best friends for so long.”
“Rayne loved Chance like a sister,” I agreed. “There was nothing they wouldn’t do for each other.”
Felix and the rest of my crew were sitting at a table together, whispering quietly among themselves. I knew they’d try to cheer me up, in some way, but no matter what plan they conspired to pull off, it wouldn’t work.
“Arjay, do you think Rayne is watching over us now?”
She grinned. “I certainly hope so. I sure need someone to watch over me. I wish I’d been a better mother.”
I suddenly felt sorry for the woman who’d once been so determined to cause havoc in my relationship with Rayne. The one Rayne had tried to help by sending her to a rehabilitation clinic, only to have her turn right back to alcohol.
“Were you the best mother you knew how to be?”