“Of course of you. Of me. Of both our feelings. Of all the ramifications!”
She felt the shudder that racked his hard, fit body before he removed his hands from her arms and sat back in the seat.
“How can I take your fear away, Sydney? I was a man long before I became a priest.”
“You weren’t a normal man, Jarod. You felt a calling which separated you from other men. It drove you to make vows to God you intended to keep for a lifetime…until I came along,” she half sobbed. “Our situation reminds me of a book I read in my teens about a woman who fell in love with a man while she was vacationing in the Sahara.
“They went on a journey together. But her ecstasy changed to agony when she learned he was a monk who’d run away from the monastery.
“Their happiness together vanished because he couldn’t live with himself after what he’d done. He loved his life as a monk too much. Until he’d seen her walking in the monastery garden, it had been all he’d known.
“She couldn’t live with him under those circumstances. At last she encouraged him to go back to the life he’d always loved. That was the end of the book.
“I sobbed for hours after reading it. To this day I’ve been haunted about her life, how she managed to live without him after experiencing such intense joy with him.”
“I read that book, too,” he whispered. “It was a piece of fiction. I’m no monk, and I left the priesthood after asking for permission.”
“And did you get it?”
“From the bishop, yes. From the Pope, not yet. Maybe never.” Sydney felt her heart fail a little more. “But all you need to understand is that I didn’t become a priest for the same reasons the man in the story did.”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter, Jarod. I—I can’t deal with this. Please take me home.”
To her immense relief, he started the car. They drove in disturbing silence all the way back to Gardiner.
The second he pulled up in front of the apartment, Sydney opened the door and darted toward her unit. Yet Jarod somehow reached it before she did.
“If you’ll invite me in, there’s a lot I need to tell you, explain to you. I didn’t grow up knowing I had a calling to the priesthood. It didn’t happen that way for me. I happen to believe life is a great journey. I’ve traveled down many of its paths, but I’ve yet to experience the ultimate.
“Though I’ve loved my life as a priest, I’ve discovered one key element is still missing. With you, I know I could find it. Think on that before you doom us to a level of existence where it will take everything we have simply to survive.”
Tears continued to stream down Sydney’s face. “I don’t care what you say. All the explanations in the world won’t change the fact that I’m the reason you left. I’ll never make it through life with that on my conscience.
“I was wrong to have tempted you the way I did—wrong ever to have suggested you come to me—I’ll be paying for that sin for the rest of my life. But if you go back now, maybe one day I’ll be forgiven.”
He eyed her intently. “For a woman who’s never gone to church, you wear your guilt like a garment. Why is that, Sydney? Where does all this self-inflicted pain come from? I’ve made my peace with myself and God. Why isn’t that enough for you?”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
Jarod chewed on his lower lip. “I’ll be waiting for you after school tomorrow. If by that time you still can’t bring yourself to listen to me, then I’m leaving on Thursday morning, and I won’t be back. But if you let me walk away, you’ll discover that your life isn’t complete, either, and never will be.”
She watched his long powerful legs eat up the expanse. After he drove off, she still stood there trembling. Partly from the cold night air, but mostly from his prophecy, which touched a chord deep inside her.
He was right.
Her life hadn’t been complete since meeting him. It would never be complete without him.
But in order to live with him, she would have to marry an ex-priest.
Visions of him in his collar and vestments saying Mass and giving communion flashed through her mind.
How was she supposed to separate those images from the man who’d just left her wearing a polo shirt and jeans? They were two different men in the same body.
He said he loved her more than the priesthood. But after they married, how long would it take before he realized his mistake and yearned for his former life?
Terrified over the prospect, she dashed inside her apartment more tormented than ever. Her heart was weighted with too many questions for which there were no answers, except one.
She did love him beyond all else.