Lisa asked if she could ride on the back of my bike today, not wanting to make this ride alone. It took me by surprise that she would me at all. I figured she wouldn’t want to ride behind anyone but Big Jim. Shit, if we let her lie on top of BJ’s casket, she would have gone to his funeral that way. She’s not taking the loss of her man well, and we are all worried about her. However, ever since the day we rescued her, she’s been more willing to talk to me than anyone else in the club. Hammer thinks it’s because I was the one who carried her out of there and held her while she cried.
“Ready as I’ll ever be. What are we planning to do with Lisa after the funeral? We can’t leave her alone.”
Ice shakes his head. “Not leaving her alone. Morgan and Des want to go sit with her today, even spend the night if Lisa will let them. Tomorrow, her mom is picking her up so she can go back home to Kentucky for a while to heal.”
“Hate to say it, but that will be good for her. She’ll be missed around the club,” I tell him honestly, knowing how the club won’t be the same without her.
“Yes, she will, just as much as BJ will be missed. Come on, man; it’s time to go.”
I walk back to my motorcycle where a heartbroken Lisa waits for me.
“Ready to go?”
She nods, not bothering to speak. I’m not going to try to make her, either. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just be there and let the person who’s suffering do it in silence.
Florida doesn’t have a helmet law, and for once, I’m not going to put a lid on her head. This is a time to feel every sensation.
I settle on my bike before Lisa climbs on with the practiced ease of an ol’ lady. Immediately, it makes me think about Pixie.
Today isn’t the day to deal with the mess I made out of things with her. Since hearing from Amber, I had to get my mom set up in a rehabilitation facility and get back to Miami for the service. I haven’t found the time or the words to explain everything to Pixie, so I let it be.
“Go slow, Coal,” Lisa whispers, and I nod.
She settles her hands on either side of me, but doesn’t hold on tightly. I didn’t imagine she would. With her hands still healing, they are wrapped and covered.
Cranking the bike, I feel her shudder behind me. Her body feels like it’s trembling as we line up.
Ice takes the lead as usual, and I settle in on his right rear with Hammer three feet behind me to my left. The rest of the club falls in line two by two. In rhythm, we twist the throttle, almost in a song of celebration to Big Jim.
The ride is somber. The ride is heavy. This moment is one that will be burned in each of our souls. BJ was a good man, taken far too soon.
When we stop, I feel Lisa fall against me, shaking and sobbing. Not moving, I allow her to grieve. I allow her to feel the loss, the pain, and find her own moment to accept what today is. It takes her a beat, but she eventually climbs off slowly, and only then do the rest of us follow suit.
As I walk Lisa to the grave site where the man she loved will be buried, I can’t help thinking of how unfair this is. Lisa and Big Jim were so in love … They were looking forward to the long ride that life would take them on together. Now Lisa is left here alone, her other half gone.
I know it’s cliché to think it, but all of this brings home the fact that life is too short. You never know what’s going to happen. I spent half my life with my heart surrounded by a concrete wall. It’s just not fair for a bastard like me to still be alive when a good man like Big Jim is dead and the woman he loves is now alone.
Pixie flashes through my mind again, making me wonder if I can change. Because, as I help Lisa sit down in the front row to wait for the brothers to carry over Big Jim’s casket, it just seems wrong to go about living this life only half-ass the way I have. It would be better to live like Big Jim always did—to the fullest.
As I have that realization, I sit down next to Lisa while my brothers carry the casket over and set it down in front of us. Lisa and I don’t get time to take much in before the preacher starts to speak.