He was going to get free with me. We could run away together again. This time, go further. Jump a boat if we had to. Get lost in the sunniest country in the world.
That was the new plan, whether he knew it or not.
I just needed to convince Renwick I was drugged and abused and happy to see him.
Drex had claimed I'd taken a large dose of cocaine. Enough to drug an elephant. So I felt like curling up in a ball was a good plan.
And for good measure, I curled toward Renwick.
It wasn't like Davor.
I didn't hate Renwick.
Once upon a time, I fancied myself a little bit in love with him. Though, with time and distance, I could see that a lot of those feelings were manipulated through the enthrallment and the love-bombing that went on when you were the highly desired new girl in the house.
There was no more enthrallment. And there was no more illusion, either.
I didn't feel sick being close to him, but I knew our paths no longer aligned. I knew all his actions were born of selfishness, that there was no actual affection. There never had been. Just wants and needs being met. Just bodies being used.
"The drivers will have us home in two days," Renwick said, not exactly comforting, just relaying the facts to me. "Try to sleep off the drugs."
I allowed a whimpering noise to escape me at that. Because I felt it. Because he would think it was appropriate.
"The cocaine will be in your system for four or so days."
So no one would want to drink from me.
Much like Drex told me about demons and alcohol, vampires couldn't get high. But they would taste the drugs. It seemed like whatever the taste was, it wouldn't be palatable.
Good.
That was good.
Hopefully I could avoid running across Davor.
I could play sick. From withdrawal. Renwick would allow me to be alone until I felt better.
That was good.
It gave me a chance to find Drex, to get him free, to escape with him.
I just had to play the game for a few more days.
The drive back to the mansion felt ten times longer than the ride away from it. I guess because I was trading freedom for imprisonment.
We stopped infrequently. To let me pee. To get me some food. Food I only managed to choke down, finding my newfound ravenous appetite again suppressed at the idea of being with the vampires once again after only barely tasting freedom.
But it was okay.
I would be okay.
It wasn't going to be for long.
"Go. Rest," Renwick demanded when we stepped into the mansion, waving toward the stairs.
I wanted to stay on the main level. I wanted to watch them drag in Drex. I wanted to make sure he was okay.
But I couldn't make any mistakes.
I had to be smart.
So I made my way up the familiar stairs, down the halls I'd walked a million times, and into my old room.
"No!" Irina hissed, hand flying to her chest as her gaze landed on me. "Oh, no," she said again, face falling. "I thought you got free. I hoped, anyway," she added, coming toward me, wrapping her arms around me.
I loved Irina, I did.
But I couldn't even bring myself to raise my arms and embrace her back.
"Wait," she said, pulling back, her keen eyes on my face, reading me, seeing through me. "Something is different," she said, brows pinching for a second, then going wide. "No way," she gasped, mouth falling open. "Don't say it. But no way," she said.
Irina was careful.
That was why, Drex told me, she had made it clear that night at Sanctuary that he needed to demand to take me. Because if she was questioned by Renwick, she would have to tell him the truth.
It seemed like she understood the fact that I'd broken my enthrallment.
"Yes," I confirmed. "It wasn't easy, but yes. I can show you."
"No."
"No?" I asked, taken aback.
"No. I don't want that. I wanted that for you. Because you wanted it for you. But I don't want it for me."
"But... but why?" I asked, realizing that while I had complained about my enthrallment many times in the past, about what I'd given up, what I wished I was able to have for my future, Irina hadn't ever pitched in with her own complaints. "Don't you want a future?"
"You know, that's a tricky question. The way I see it, I would rather have ten or fifteen exceptional years here than thirty more out there where I know nothing but work and struggle and uncertainty. I'm safe here. I'm pampered. I'm taken care of. And I get the kind of experiences most people can only dream of."
I got that to an extent, I did. Even if I personally wanted the experience of work and the struggle and the choices that came with a life outside of enthrallment.