This was their life, existing without them.
The door opened, and Neil entered quickly, getting the shock over with like jumping into a cold pool. “Where’s Olivia?”
“Upstairs,” Laura said. “She didn’t sleep well. Even when they go out, they’re usually there in the night to feed her. They like to do that themselves.”
Hearing her refer to Emma and Michael in the present tense was almost more painful than thinking of them in the past tense.
“The social worker is going to come to meet with us here,” I explained. “We’re Olivia’s legal guardians, now.”
Laura nodded. “You’re taking her that fast, huh?”
“She’s my granddaughter. Of course we would want to have her with us as soon as we possibly could,” Neil said tersely.
Laura’s face went positively ashen.
“We’ll need help, of course,” I cut in. “How do you feel about the Hamptons?”
She tried to crack a smile. “That’s a very generous offer. And I know it would be good for Olivia. But my boyfriend is almost done with grad school, and—”
“No, don’t worry about it.” I tried to comfort her. “I know it’s going to be hard to say goodbye. I promise we’ll send you pictures, emails…only if you want them.”
“And we’ll write you a glowing reference,” Neil offered, contrite. “I’m sorry if I was…brusque—”
“No, I get it.” Laura slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. “Since you guys are here, though, maybe I’ll head downstairs and start packing?”
“Take all the time you need,” Neil urged her. “We can’t even begin to consider things like closing up the house or selling it, at this point. We can certainly wait for you to find other accommodations.”
Laura nodded. I got the feeling, though, that she wouldn’t want to stay for long. The place already felt like a tomb.
She handed us the baby monitor, and Neil juggled it between his hands, his gaze flicking toward the staircase.
“Go,” I said quietly. He needed to see his granddaughter.
I took off my coat and sat on the couch, like I’d done a million times. This time, it was like barging into a stranger’s house and making myself at home. There was no one around to say, “Have a seat,” or “let me take your coat.” I was trespassing.
A whiney snort came over the baby monitor, followed by the sound of Neil’s voice softly murmuring something. My heart lurched, and I suddenly needed to see Olivia as badly as he had, just to reassure myself that she was all right.
Olivia’s nursery was at the top of the stairs. I knocked softly on the doorframe, though the door was open. Neil stood beside the crib, his coat tossed over the side. He held Olivia, still clad in the weird little bag she slept in that made her look like a starfish, against his shoulder, but she lifted her head when I came in. Her chubby face transformed into a wide smile of joy at seeing me, but then, she looked past me.
She was looking for her mom or dad.
Neil’s eyes were red and wet with tears he was trying—and failing—to hold back. “I don’t know how to tell her. Or if I tell her.”
“She’s definitely going to notice that they’re gone,” I whispered, like she couldn’t hear me or she would understand what “gone” meant with regards to people. “I guess…we call somebody? Do they make therapists for babies?”
Despite the grimness of the situation, he managed a slight smile. “Do they make therapists for people who are addicted to therapy?”
“Oh, shush. I’m being serious.” I stood beside him and laid my hand on Olivia’s back. “You poor thing.”
“No,” Neil corrected me gently. “We’re not going to do that to her. We’re not going to raise a pitiable orphan. This can’t influence her entire life.”
It would influence her entire life, but Neil was right. We had to minimize the scope of that influence.
“There’s something I meant to ask you,” Neil says, his voice going tight. “On the way over. I thought you might… I don’t know what Michael’s family would prefer, but perhaps, you might find some of Emma’s clothes, something for her to wear…”
Something for her to wear in her casket. Oh, god, I can’t do this.
“Don’t you think Valerie might want to be the one to choose?” I suggested. Sure, I knew Emma’s style, but it was more or less from observation. That didn’t mean I could accurately judge what she would want to spend eternity in.