I hadn’t considered that. It wasn’t until after my grandfather had died that we’d found out that one of my uncles had a secret child in Indiana. But it didn’t comfort me to know that my father might have kept me a secret in the same way.
“I don’t understand.” I reached for some toilet paper and blew my nose. “Was I not good enough? Was I weird or troubled or unlovable?”
“As the father of a very weird, very naughty daughter, I can say unequivocally that whatever prompted your father to abandon you, it was not a defect in your character.” Neil’s voice went very soft. “And I must admit, I am quite furious at the notion that anyone would reject their own child.”
When mine was taken from me, I mentally added for him, because I knew that would naturally follow in his mind. Neil had been an extraordinarily loving, if wildly overprotective, father to Emma. The fact that he’d outlived her was the most unfair thing I could imagine.
He held me close, but now that the worst, most emotionally and physically draining part of my reaction was over, I felt oddly stable.
That probably wouldn’t last.
“You know, I’m feeling all right, now.” I sniffed against his chest.
His voice rumbled beneath my ear. “That’s how they happen. I think they simply wear you down until you’re not able to be hysterical, anymore. And then, you sleep for hours.”
My stomach roiled with nausea at the casual authority in his tone. He’d been hospitalized for months at a mental health facility after Emma had died, but he didn’t talk a lot about what had happened there. “Did you get these a lot?”
“Quite often,” he admitted uncomfortably. “And would still, I imagine, if not for my medication.”
“Thank god for pills.” I hated that Neil had ever felt the way I felt at the moment, and I hated knowing that he’d felt worse.
“Seconded.” After a moment, his hold loosened. “Would you like to come with me to pick up Olivia? Or would you like me to see if your mother would keep her overnight?”
I leaned back, frowning. “There is no way you’d be able to handle leaving her with someone for an overnight.”
“Of course I would,” he said, and I reached up to check him for a fever. He dodged my hand. “It’s fine, really. She goes off for a bloody week with bloody Valerie—”
“Wow, that’s a lot of blood.” I whistled, impressed. “You’re really looking forward to that, aren’t you?”
He didn’t address that. “I trust your mother. And Olivia knows her. It isn’t as though we’d be leaving her with a stranger.”
Neil was so cool with the idea that he couldn’t be faking it. He wasn’t a great liar. And I didn’t really want to be alone, but I didn’t want to see my family. “Only if you’re absolutely positive. I’m sure my grandma won’t mind.”
“I’ll call. I’ll tell them you’re not feeling well.” He kissed the top of my head and stepped away. “They’ll just think you’re tragically intoxicated.”
Which would be far better than the alternative. I didn’t know how I would face my family, now, or if I should even tell them. But whatever happened, it didn’t have to happen tonight.
Chapter Four
Since Olivia had stayed the night with her, Mom had insisted on taking her to mass to “show her off”. She was as close to a grandchild as Mom would ever get, so Neil and I had both been fine with it. It also gave us the opportunity to sleep in and wake up together, which we rarely had the chance to do, anymore.
I woke to Neil nuzzling his stubbly face into my neck, and an erection pressing pointedly against my backside.
“Good morning,” I said with a sleepy laugh. “You know, I could have slept longer.”
“I couldn’t. I’m programmed to wake at sunrise,” he muttered against my skin.
“You don’t have to do that.” This was an argument we’d had many a time since Olivia had learned that the baby monitor was a direct line to our bedroom. “She has a nanny.”
His response was the same as always. “But it’s my responsibility.”
I moved to turn over, and he used the opportunity to roll on top of me, settling between my legs to lean down and kiss me. I couldn’t believe I used to freak out about morning breath. When we’d first started doing the sleepover thing, he’d kept disposable toothbrushes on the nightstand for me, just so I wouldn’t bolt out of bed the moment my eyes opened. Now, I couldn’t have cared less about it. I guessed when all was said and done, when I’d faced the possibility of never having another wakeup kiss from him ever again, bad breath wasn’t so big a deal.
“What time is it?” I asked with a yawn as his mouth moved up my jaw, toward my ear.