That was the most attractive option to me. Ignore them, the way they’d ignored me. Forget they existed and never find out what happened to the unnamed sister and her search for survival. But would I ever stop wondering?
“It’s just that every time I think about not doing it…” My voice quivered. “I thought to myself, if this was a stranger asking, I might have said yes in a heartbeat. But this is my flesh and blood. And I can’t come up with an answer.”
“They may be your flesh and blood, Sophie, but they weren’t your family,” Neil reminded me. “You only just learned their names.”
“But then, I think about their mother.” I met his eyes. There was much pain and understanding there, and such a fight against it. “I haven’t even begun to make a decision, yet. But I want to be able to make it with my own best interests at heart. I can’t worry about you in this. I need this to be the thing you go through with me, the way I’ve gone through your stuff with you.”
I didn’t know how he’d take that, but I wasn’t sorry I’d said it. Three scenarios popped into my mind. One, that he would take the remarks super personally and react angrily. Two, that he would take the remarks super personally and shut me out but eventually come around. And three, that he would take the remarks super personally and spiral into a depressive episode.
I resented option three. I resented that I had to worry about it, when I should be worrying about myself. And I resented myself for feeling that way.
He surprised me by taking none of those routes. Chastened, he said, “You’re right. This is about you. I’ll try to give you space.”
“I’ll remind you if you don’t,” I said with a small smile. “And thank you.”
I turned to El-Mudad, not wanting to leave him out. “Do you understand what I mean? Because I would really appreciate your support in this.”
“No matter what you decide, I will think no less of you,” he promised.
“Good.” I sat back and let out a deep breath. “That went a lot better than I thought it would.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through this today,” El-Mudad said.
“Well, I’m home, now. I’m with the men I love. That makes everything so much better.” I forced myself to smile, knowing that the correlating emotions would gradually catch up. “Moving on. What did you guys do today?”
Neil was game to play along with the change of subject. “Well, we went to the track. El-Mudad drove the Chiron. We had lunch at the club, we came back here, and he gave me a lovely handjob.”
“That was very nice of you,” I said with mom-like patronizing.
“And we got to spend some time on the beach. It’s been a long time since I’ve had my feet in the Atlantic,” El-Mudad added, sipping from his water glass.
“You’re welcome to visit it any time,” Neil said.
I snorted. “Neil, you’re rich, but you don’t own the ocean.”
“I own property on three sides,” he protested.
“So do I.” I arched a brow in challenge.
El-Mudad settled it pretty neatly by saying, “Yes, but how many boats do you own?”
I tilted my head. “Neil, is there one I don’t know about?”
A look passed between him and El-Mudad, and they chuckled. Neil shook his head. “No, but I feel as though we should go shopping.”
“No!” I objected as shrilly as I could manage. I pointed a finger at El-Mudad, laughing. “If he buys a boat, it’s all your fault.”
“Then, you would have to punish me,” he retorted.
I made a jerk-off motion. A threatening one.
The darkness of the day didn’t come up, again. We fell into easier conversation, joking and teasing while we ate. We lingered at the table long after our food was finished, unwilling to surrender the easy pace of evening to the finality of night. But I couldn’t oversleep in the morning, so eventually, I had to say, “It’s getting kind of late, guys.”
Neil looked at his watch, and El-Mudad took his phone from his pocket to check. It struck me as a perfect illustration of the age gap between Neil and the rest of us. Though El-Mudad was ten years older than me, we were generationally nearer than either of us were to Neil. We were all so different, living different parts of our lives, together with each other.
“Sophie?” Neil’s voice snapped me out of the daze I’d drifted into.
I sat up straight, blinking. “Yeah. Sorry, my mind wandered.”
“I asked if it’s time to go to bed.”
“That’s right,” El-Mudad said with a smile. “Poor Sophie has been waiting all this time.”
“Waiting?” I asked, then immediately remembered our poolside dalliance. “I was actually looking forward to dinner more than an orgasm, but now that we’ve eaten…”