Surviving (Surrender 2)

Heat rises up my face because I know I’ve been caught staring. But for the love of God, he’s beautiful–everywhere! “Um, yes.” I squeak.

He smiles as he wraps a towel around me, basically covering up my naked body. I look at him confused, but he picks me up and carries me to his bed.

“RJ, want to tell me what that was about? I’m not complaining, but the first time I have you is not going to be against a fucking shower wall.”

“I wanted to surprise you.”

“You did, but you didn’t answer me. You know damn well what could have happened. Are you ready for that? Are you ready to let Declan go and let me make love to you?”

“Yes,” I say without hesitation. I love Finn. It may not be the heart crushing, monumental love I have for Declan. But my love for Finn is warmth, friendship, family, loyalty, and comfort. I know in my heart he will never hurt me.

Finn rolls me over and braces on his elbows on top of me. He kisses me lightly, and I link my arms around his shoulders. Taking his time to kiss a path from my earlobes to my collarbone, his hand comes down to the towel around my chest, and when it slides open, my body tenses.

Before I know what’s happened, Finn has jumped off me and is sitting on the side of the bed with his head in his hands. “I didn’t think so. It was too fucking good to be true.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask softly.

“Raven, I’m a man. A real man. I love you, and if I make love to you for the first time, I need to know you are mine. And you are far from mine. Even though it’s just me and you in this room, he’s here too. He’s in your thoughts and on your mind. I won’t be a threesome in my own head.”

His words hit me hard, and I can’t argue. I’m so ashamed, I let my hurt and anger at Declan lead me to upsetting my best friend. I reach out and touch his back and he looks over at me with no emotion. The second his eyes meet mine, something in my chest cracks open. I sob loudly and crawl to his lap. He holds me tight as I shake and wail into his neck. I never replaced my towel, so we are chest to chest, but it’s not in any way sexual. He knows I need him and wraps his arms around my back letting me cry.

I’m not sure how long we sit like this but when I’m finally able to speak, I apologize over and over.

“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay. Calm down.” He says soothingly into my ear.

When my breathing returns to normal, Finn scoots out from under me and walks to his dresser. He returns with a t-shirt for me to put on.

“Let me get on some clothes. You’re sleeping in here with me tonight.”

When his bathroom door closes, I run to my room and put on some sleep shorts and wash my face. Even though you can tell I have been crying, the cold water helps.

Finn is waiting on his bed for me and I crawl into his warm body and hold onto his chest.

“You want to talk about it?”

“Not really. I’m embarrassed, humiliated, and disgusted at myself for hurting you.”

“Babe, gotta say, your tight body pressed up against mine naked was pretty hot.”

“Finn!” I swat at his arm and smile. He smiles back and just like that; we are okay.

*****

Our last week in Paris is busy. Jack throws us a small going away party at the office on our last day. We are scheduled to fly out tomorrow midmorning so, after the party, we leave to finish packing. I’m pretty much finished, and I assume Finn is too when he asks me to go for a run with him. We circle the streets of the neighborhood and I try to memorize everything. Even though the reasoning for coming to Paris was to heal a broken heart, it was so much more. I’ve had some of the most wonderful experiences of my life, and I have Finn to thank for that.

Our last meal is served on the back deck of Jack’s house. He insisted on breakfast before we leave for the airport. Finn is very quiet throughout the conversation, and I wonder if he’s nervous about returning home.

Finn takes my bags to the waiting car as I say my final goodbyes. Jack promises me a job anytime I want to come back. I get into the backseat and watch Finn and Jack shake hands. When we pull away, I wave until I can’t see the house anymore.

“Finn, what happens when we get back to Nashville?”

“What do you mean?”

“About us.”

“Baby Girl, there is no us.”

“How can you say that? Of course there is!”