A memory of my second grade teacher surfaces.
“That’s not what I’m saying at all.”
But it is. I’ve been here before. Any time I let someone get the least bit close, the result is their discomfort when they figure out how callous my metaphorical “heart” is.
I can feel his energy vibrating off him, a low buzz that tingles my skin. I walk my fingers up his chest, taking note of the solid feel of him, unyielding beneath my touch. “What do you want, Alex?”
His breathing becomes unsteady as I reach his neck. I let the pads of my fingers gently rest at the base of his throat, and I feel his hard swallow. “Nothing, Blakely.” He says my name like he means it. “I’m just here for the ride.”
“Bullshit.” I grab the back of his neck and bring my face close to his, our eyes locked. “Everyone wants something. What. Do you. Want?”
His breaths become ragged as his gaze drops to my mouth. The question of whether or not he’s bold enough to take what he desires hangs in the small span of air between us, a charged yearning that begs for our lips to collide.
He’s all restraint and unyielding resolve as his gaze flicks upward. “I want to experience that rush again,” he says. “Like the other night.”
The corner of my lips slowly tip into a smile. I remain close to him, letting his words wash over me, as if I can siphon a small amount of his exhilaration for myself. “Then you have to accept the reality that there’s always collateral damage, Alex.” I brush my fingers through his hair, tucking an errant strand into place. “The escort is expendable.”
His pupils dilate, those dark eyebrows draw together. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He says the words, but I notice how his jaw flexes, a muscle tics. He’s angry.
He moves away from me and busies himself at his desk.
I admit, the fire in his eyes gives me a tiny thrill. “Trust me, girls like that can handle themselves. They don’t need a hero, Alex.”
“I get it, Blakely.” He slams one of his
thick science books closed. “I don’t need to be convinced any further.”
“What about coddled?” I say, taking another jab. “Do you want me to lie to you and tell you nothing bad will happen? That we’ll intervene just in time to save the damsel in distress?”
He exhales heavily as he picks up his glasses and pushes them into place. Removing his watch from his pocket, he checks the time. “We’re going to be late.”
A laugh slips free, and Alex looks at me. “What?”
“You’re the white rabbit,” I say. At his frown, I add, “From Alice in Wonderland. He’s always checking the time on his pocket watch, so worried about being late.”
Completely stoic, he slips his watch into his front pocket. “It’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.”
I hold up my hands in mock surrender. “Down boy.”
There’s a moment where I think my teasing tone might garner a laugh, ease the strain he’s under, but he turns away to start collecting his items for tonight without any emotional response.
The tension in the air is heavy. It’s moments like this I wish I had the ability to understand what he’s feeling. Is it anxiety? Dread? Guilt? As it is, I can’t make myself care too much. If he’s not willing to enlighten me, then there’s very little I can offer him in way of advice.
All I have are the skills necessary to get him out of the situation if it goes bad.
Honestly, if I do have to pull out of the job, it’s not the end of the world. I could give Lenora back her money, walk away from the whole mess. Only, this is no longer about just finishing a job. Punishing the mark.
I’m curious to watch Alex—to see what he does, how he responds. For the first time in a long while, I’m excited that I don’t know how the job will play out.
“Alex, last chance…” I raise a questioning eyebrow. “Or forever hold your peace.”
This time, Alex doesn’t waver. “I’m ready,” he says. “Absolutely no regrets.”
“All right then. Lead the way.”
Just like Alice, I follow my white rabbit down the hole into the shadowy unknown of our dark Wonderland.
13