His snarl of frustration told me he was far angrier than I originally thought. “Listen, I know you have a natural drive to create families wherever you go.”
“What are you talking about?” I had him; he was it, my whole family. There wasn’t anyone else besides—
“I’m talking about the girls. You made a family there.”
“I didn’t even have one before—”
“Cabot, Drake, and Josue spent Thanksgiving with us last year, and they were right back again at Christmas.”
“Are you kidding?” I asked, surprised the boys were being thrown in my face since from seeing them all together, it seemed he liked them. “What the hell was I supposed to do? They have no one but us and… I… we—”
“Just—”
“I thought you liked having them over here!”
“I did! I do!” he shouted, back to pacing. “They’re all good, but think about it for a second. What’re you gonna do when you realize that you can’t bring home every kid that’s in Custodial to live with us?”
“I already know that.”
“Are you sure?”
“You’re being really fuckin’ snide,” I advised him, feeling my blood start to boil with how condescending his words were.
“I don’t care. The fact of the matter is that every kid that we’ve ever been in charge of, you’ve brought into our home.”
“There’ve been extenuating circumstances.”
“Won’t there always be?”
“A little credit here, please.”
“Don’t gimme that shit. This isn’t about credit or anything else but me knowing that you always think there’s something else you can do.”
“Are you listening to yourself?” He made no sense. “I haven’t even started yet. How can I know shit about what I can or cannot do?”
“Again, this goes back to your desire to create families—which is great, it is—but I don’t want one. I don’t wanna be anyone’s father, I don’t want to adopt, I just… I don’t.”
“Have you lost your mind? I don’t wanna be a father either.”
“That’s a lie,” he retorted.
But it wasn’t.
Even though thinking back on what Aruna had said made me start to wonder about what kind of father I would be, I still wasn’t ready to say I wanted to be a parent. She had faith and she knew me well, so there had to be some truth to her belief I had paternal ability in me somewhere. But that didn’t translate to fatherhood. And did that mean me being a caregiver meant I was there for a child, or was I there for mentoring, for guiding kids who didn’t have someone in their corner? I didn’t have the answer, but certainly I would never push a choice on Ian. I would never presume that because I wanted something, he had to as well. Our marriage was a partnership first, and in it, to me, he was first always, so to hear him think I could want something he didn’t, push him to do something he didn’t want—that hurt.
I was stunned, and the hurt must have shown on my face.
“You know it is,” he said raggedly, reaching for me but stopping himself. “You’re ready to be a father.”
“Ian,” I said, taking a breath so I wouldn’t say something wrong. “I—”
“You know what the worst part of this is?” he asked, heat in his tone. “I don’t think you even realize that you already are a father.”
“To who?” I asked sharply.
“Well, for starters, to Josue and Cabot and Drake.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Ian, I—”
“No, you come on! You have any idea what it’s like for me to watch you bring home strays? I mean, Jesus, Miro, why do you keep doing that? Where’s that compulsion come from?”
“From a place of caring? From being a decent human being?”
“Don’t gimme that,” he snapped. “We’re not talking about having Sharpe over after he and his girl broke up, or babysitting for Liam and Aruna, or something like that. We’re talking about you not being able to separate yourself from people you meet on the job.”
“I had no idea this bothered you so much. I can stop having the boys over so you—”
“I’m not talking about the boys!” he yelled, arms flailing, flushed now, his voice shredded with emotion. “I like the boys! What I’m talking about is the precedent that you’ve already set.”
“I—”
“You have to nurture others. It’s part of who you are, and it’s one of the reasons I love you, but I thought that at home, I would be enough, but I’m not.”
“You’re more than enough,” I gasped, blindsided by his admission. He was everything! My whole life walking around in one person. How could he believe for a second he was not?
“I don’t mean… it, like… shit—what I mean is that you have to take care of more than just me. You have to take care of everyone.”
“But that’s not true.”
“That’s bullshit, and you knew it was the second it came out of your mouth.”