But… if I were Kage, maybe that’s the choice I would have made too. As hotheaded as Ching seemed, as dangerous as his reputation was, as badass, he was still, on a whole, more by-the-book than Ian. He didn’t charge in; he assessed, he made a plan, and he always, always had Becker’s back. There wasn’t a time I could recall when Becker couldn’t turn around and find Ching right there. The same could not be said for me, yesterday being a prime example. Ian went where he thought he was most needed, which was not always where the group consensus agreed he should be.
Before anyone could congratulate Ching, though, Kage lifted his hands to stop us. “I have more of these to get through,” he explained, and so we all stayed still except for Becker, who had his hand on the back of Ching’s neck, squeezing gently as Ching stood, looking dazed but with a trace of a smile lighting up his normally stony expression.
Elyes slipped over to Ching, passed him an organizer and a lanyard, and then moved quickly back to Kage’s side.
“That has a new department designation on the lanyard,” Kage said to Ching, “but your badge remains the same.”
Ching nodded as Kage continued.
“When he returns from vacation, Jer Kowalski will take over the director position of Judicial Support. That department has come under scrutiny lately, and I need someone I can depend on. I have no doubt that he will do an exemplary job.”
“Without a doubt,” Eli agreed, and I could tell from his voice the comment was bittersweet. He’d miss his partner.
“Beginning today, Miro Jones will take over as interim director of Custodial WITSEC.”
Even knowing it was coming, I was still floored by the faith my boss had in me. And when I looked at Ian, expecting him to be shooting daggers out of his eyes, instead I saw resignation.
“Ian?” I said under my breath.
This was my moment, and the question was, would he be supportive or not? Would he ruin it or not? Because yes, he had concerns, and we were arguing and trying to come to some kind of compromise, and the road was about to get ten kinds of rocky, but… taking care of kids, caretaking, nurturing, there was just no way that wasn’t right up my alley. He knew that, didn’t he? If he knew me and knew what I needed and who I was, then couldn’t he put aside what he needed for what I—for what… I… for me. Just me.
It hit me like a bullet to the brain, what I’d been missing, what Ian had been saying all morning.
Holymotherfuckinghell, how goddamn blind was I?
“Miro?”
Jesus Christ, could I be any stupider?
“M?”
Oh, fuck me.
“Love?” Ian whispered, standing next to me beside Kowalski’s desk, which I guess technically wasn’t his anymore because he was leaving, and that was just one of many things that would be different and strange, and since it didn’t seem like Kage was anywhere near done, that meant there would be more strangers coming and more friends leaving, and it felt like everything was moving faster and faster and….
Oh God, oh God, oh God. Life-altering change along with deep, soul-sucking revelation equaled panic attack. I could see the spots in front of my eyes, and the room seemed to be rocking back and forth… back… and forth.
It was funny but, while being shot at, facing life-and-death things, I felt no panic, no hysteria. But anything to do with Ian—like at all—and I was a fucking basket case.
Why was that? What was it about Ian that made me go fetal with doubt?
“Miro,” Ian said, low and gravelly, “try and breathe.”
But yesterday my life was one way, and today….
I thought I’d just be upstairs from the guys I worked with and still see them all the time, and Ian would still be my partner both on and off the field, and I’d still be trying to figure out what Kowalski’s first name was, and Eli and I would hang out, and I’d see… and I would spend time… and….
People were leaving me and—how in the hell had I let myself get so close to all these guys? The girls were one thing. I knew they’d always be there, all four of them like rocks in my life, and then Ian—that was why he had to stay home with me, be home with me, because the idea of losing him was just…. I couldn’t, and now he’d been trying to tell me he was feeling the exact same way, and I—
Because he’d chosen me, us, our life, yes, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t change his mind back. It wasn’t like he had just one choice to make. He had unlimited options if, for instance, he stopped caring about having me in his life. And no, that wasn’t likely, but it was possible. He’d picked me, but he could pick the Army again if I fucked this up, if I showed him over and over again that he was not the most important thing in my life.