Shame (Ruin 3)

Tristan

I WAS ABOUT fifteen minutes early to Lisa’s dorm… I decided that leaning against the wall looked odd, and sitting in my car made me look like an absolute predator, so I went into the lobby and sat on the couch. UW was so big I knew people wouldn’t necessarily recognize me, especially considering I was only wearing jeans and a T-shirt, meaning I looked a lot younger than I typically did in the front of the classroom.

By the time 6:15 rolled around, I’d started getting nervous. I had to laugh. Was the girl ever early? Maybe that was just her thing, being late? With a growl of frustration, I went over to the elevators and pressed her floor. I hurried down the hall, hoping we hadn’t just missed each other, and knocked on the door.

No answer.

I guess I deserved to be stood up.

Then again, what if something really was wrong?

I knocked again.

The door swung open. Lisa stood there in the same clothes as earlier, her eyes were puffy from crying, and her hair was a mess.

“What happened?” I cupped her face and examined it for any hint of injury. Finding none, shifted my gaze and quickly scanned her body. “Are you okay? Did someone hurt you?”

I kicked the door shut behind me and walked her backward toward the couch. I sat her down and gripped her hands with mine as I knelt in front of her. “Lisa, talk to me.”

“I—” she croaked, her eyes glancing at the computer and back at me. “I…” She started shivering. “I can’t tell you.”

“What can you tell me?” I was going to go crazy. Her tears were like tiny knives driving into my skin by force. I wanted to fix it; I had to fix it.

She shook her head, tears streaming down her face.

“Are you physically hurt?” I asked calmly, even though I was ready to run my fist through whoever had made her cry.

“No.” She sniffled.

“Did someone try to hurt you physically?”

She nodded her head slowly and then shook it, like the question confused her. But she cried harder, so something had happened.

“Lisa.” I sighed heavily. “Let me help you, let me take care of you.”

“Oh yeah…” She rolled her eyes and sniffed. “The professor that hates me so much he can barely look at me wants to suddenly take care of me? Sorry if I’m not so keen on trusting you at this point.”

I reared back, eyes searching her face. She was right, completely right, but she had no idea the real reason. Why I did what I did, what drove me to treat her like she was nothing when really I knew in my soul she was an everything girl, the type of girl that guys hold on to. Hell, I knew that firsthand, because she’d been the one to drive him to madness. And I knew I’d follow happily in the same footsteps, even having proof that I could end up the same way, and I was ready to pack my suitcase and jump along for the ride.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “Sorry for the way I addressed you in class, sorry for not listening to the real reason you were late, and sorry that you’re crying, that someone’s hurt you so deeply that you feel the need to waste tears on them.” I tilted her chin toward me again. “But I won’t apologize for kissing you, for thinking about you every night, for wanting you when I know I shouldn’t. I can’t apologize for that. I won’t.”

Her sharp intake of breath was all it took for me to move. My mouth met hers, and I knew, in that instant, in that very second… madness for her? Was something I would choose.

No going back.

Her fingers tangled in my hair, and then, just as quickly as the kiss had started, she pulled back and quickly covered herself with the pillow, blocking me from reaching her.

Chest heaving, I held up my hands. “Sorry. I’m sorry, no touching.”

She shook her head again, taking her lower lip hostage as fresh tears started pooling in her eyes.

I sighed, feeling completely helpless, totally unused to the foreign feeling that there was no one I could call to fix it, nobody I could pay to make her tears go away. “Are you hungry?”

She sniffed then looked away. “A bit, but I don’t want to go out. I’m sorry I lost track of time and then—” She paled even more.

“No problem.” I shrugged. “There’s always pizza.”

Her watery smile had me reaching for my phone before she said yes. Her fingers grazed my arm and I paused.