Chapter 1
"Kayla, I didn't think you'd come."
"I couldn't stay away." It's a quick retort. The words are a clear reflection of the inner need that has been pushing against my better judgment for two days.
It's been two days since Noah and Alexa ripped wide open the wound that Ben has been nursing for the past twelve years. I watched in silence as he collapsed to his knees, his body wrought with sobs as Noah had stood over him, a litany of accusations pouring from his lips in a frenzied rush.
Even then, in that moment, I wanted to fall next to him, wrap him inside of my arms and shield him from the barrage of painful reminders of that day. I wanted to scream at Noah to back off. I wanted to force them to leave. I wanted time to stop just at the moment before Noah and Alexa knocked at the door.
"I'm sorry you were in the middle of that," he whispers, his eyes moving to the table next to us in the crowded hospital cafeteria. "I haven't seen Noah in years. Now you know why."
I don't really know why. I only know that Ben was arrested for his mother's death when he was a teenager. The blanks that need to be filled in are expansive and wide. I'd pulled Alexa and Noah out of Ben's apartment with the promise that I'd listen to all the facts. When we got back to their place, the details were sparse and disjointed. I left there only sure of one thing, that I needed to see Ben.
"Noah explained some of what happened." It's broad and meant to be open-ended. I don't know where to start. I have no bearing on where this conversation is supposed to begin.
He leans forward, resting his elbows on the table. "What did Noah tell you?"
"He didn’t say much about the day." I meet his eyes. "He was upset."
In a range of understatements, that one is off the scale. Noah had ranted for more than an hour after leaving Ben's the other night. The words were heavy with anger and distrust. He had rattled on about loss, about life insurance, about trust. Alexa and I had sat, huddled in the corner, listening, waiting, wanting him to calm enough so that we could string together what had happened. I left their home with nothing more than deep regret. I had abandoned Ben on the floor to save him from Noah's ripe temper. I wished, almost instantaneously, that I had stayed and held him.
His thumb traces over the face of his watch, his eyes following its path. "He'll never forgive me for that day."
Forgiveness is a heady beast when death is on the table. They both loved their mother. I had heard it in the words Ben spoke days ago when he retraced the steps he took right before she died. I had seen it in Noah's face, and in his clenched fists, when he confessed to all the pain he's endured since that day.
I have nothing to offer that will change Ben's perception of his brother, other than the truth. "Noah is very angry. He's focused on the fact that you were arrested."
I am too. I haven't admitted it but there are some things that aren't easily ignored. This isn't a typical family squabble. Ben was arrested for his mother's death. He admitted it just days ago and that confession had been on constant replay in my mind.
"I was arrested." He leans closer, the words soft and low. "The charges were dropped almost immediately."
I should feel instant relief at that but it does little to quell the aching need I have inside of me to understand. I've tried to make sense of my inability to listen to Alexa and Noah and forget Ben. I'm smart enough to recognize that part of it is tied to my connection to Alexa. I held her trembling hand in mine as her fiancé paced the floor of their apartment, cursing the fact that he has a twin brother. She had embraced me before I left their place, whispering in my ear how she wished it were different.
The draw towards Ben is more than that though. It's not about the moments in his bed or the rush when I’m in his arms. It's in the person I see when I look in his eyes. There's tenderness and compassion there. It's been there since he first sat down next to me on the airplane.
"Why were you charged in the first place?" I ask. "How did that happen?"
He pushes the, now empty, paper coffee cup away from him and focuses his gaze on me. "It's very complicated, Kayla. I can't answer that here."