"When?" I ask the question with no emotion. When I was sitting at the gate at the airport weeks ago waiting to board the flight that took me back to New York, I would have given anything for an honest answer to that question. They say that a woman's intuition is never wrong and mine knew, even if I chose to ignore it, that Parker was racing from the bed he shared with me into someone else's.
He scratches the back of his head, his eyes jumping from my face to the wall behind me. "It was before you moved back to Boston."
The words slice through me like a razor sharp edge. "You met her before I came back?"
"Baby," he begins before he leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "I was really mixed up back then."
"Did you want her when you begged me to move back to Boston to be with you?" I ask because my mind wants the answer, even if my heart doesn't feel anything when the question leaves my mouth.
He closes his eyes briefly and I see the answer there, in the silent pause. "She had a boyfriend back then."
"You wanted me back because you couldn't have her?" I don't want the question to sound as pathetic as it does. Everything that was scattered and mismatched within my mind for the past few months is now falling into place. "Did you beg me to come back here, Parker, because you were in love with someone you couldn't
have?"
"I don't know if I loved her, Kayla," he qualifies. "I liked her and she told me she was involved with another guy."
The weight of his words rolls through me. "You told me you couldn't live without me. You said we were meant to be together."
"We are." He drops swiftly to his knees, his hands darting to my thighs. "I told you I made a mistake. When she broke up with her boyfriend I jumped at the chance to be with her. I thought she really loved me but we fought a lot. She was nothing like you."
He left me for another woman and once he realized she wasn't all fun and frolic, he decided he wanted me back? Is he really confessing that to me right now? "You want me back now because you don't want her?" It's the simplest way to express one of the most complicated questions I've ever asked him.
"Kayla." His chest expands beneath the blue t-shirt he's wearing as he draws a heavy, steady breath. "I chose the wrong woman weeks ago. I should have picked you."
How gracious of him to admit that now. "You left me for her, Parker. Why would I want you back?"
"You loved me the night I left." His eyes sprint over my face. "I saw it when you were crying. You begged me to stay with you."
I'll never forgive myself for that. It's been my deepest regret and I haven't shared it with anyone, not even Alexa. Admitting that I dropped to my knees and literally pulled at the leg of his jeans to get him to stay with me, is something I look back on now with disgust and pain. I never wanted to be that woman. I never wanted my life to be defined by any man and that night I tried desperately to make Parker stay with me. He had shaken me off like a bad habit and hadn't looked back before he slammed the door of this apartment and walked away.
"I wish I could go back to that night," I say the words softly, not wanting to give him any sense of power over me. "I wish I could change the way I acted."
"You acted from your heart." His index finger pats against my hand. "I'll never forget how you looked, Kayla. I've thought about it every day since then."
I've pushed it to the furthest recesses of my mind every day. If I'm being brutally honest with myself it changed who I am on a very fundamental level. It was my rock bottom and for the rest of my life I'll always remember that it was Parker who pushed me there. "I try not to think about it anymore."
"We don't need to." He smiles up at me. "Today is the first day of our new life together. Fate brought you back here, Kayla. We were always meant to be together."
We were never meant to be together. Love isn't supposed to rake you over the coals like this. It's not a game of hide and seek. Parker loves me when it's convenient for him. He's proven that enough times that falling back into the trap that is his empty promises will only stall my life again. I can't do this anymore. I want the answers to my questions and then I want Parker to become a distant memory. "I need some answers, Parker and right now, you're the only person who can give them to me."
"If that's what it's going to take to get you back, ask away."
Chapter 3
I should tell him, right here on the spot, that the chances of the two of us getting back together are level with the chances that I'm going to win the lottery someday. It's never going to happen. I can barely look at him without feeling anger and disgust. The idea of crawling back into a relationship with him is so foreign to me I can't even process it.
"When did you meet Ben?" I ask with quiet resolution. I need a jumping point to clear the hurdle that is his connection to Ben. I heard the fragmented edges of a conversation between the two of them. Now, I want Parker to fill in all those scattered blanks for me.
He leans forward again, tracing his thumb across my knuckles. I don't pull back for fear of losing his desire to do what's right. I know he wants to share with me. I see it in his face. "It wasn't long ago, Kayla."
"How long?" I push because having a full understanding of when they met matters more to me than I'm willing to admit right now. I'm trying to convince myself that I want every single detail so I can carry it all back to Noah when I recount today's events to him. There's more to it than that. I need to know that the night in the hotel room and the days spent with Ben hold some meaning beyond his desperate need to regain Noah's attention.
He pulls his hand through his brown hair, his fingers separating the curly locks. "It was two or three weeks ago."
"Two or three weeks," I repeat back in a mumble. "Where did you meet him? Did he contact you?"
His hand glides from his hair over his face stopping to pinch the bridge of his nose. "I met him outside your apartment building. I was standing on the street when he came out of the building."