“Of course, two weeks in Paris. You mentioned you always wanted to see the Louvre. It was supposed to be a surprise.” I shake my head. “Until I was reminded you needed to know because you need to get passports for you and Rosie.”
“Right, yeah. Passports for after the wedding. The wedding in three days, well now like two days.” Her eyes go down. “I’m going to go check on Rosie.”
I pour another glass of wine. Dominic takes the glass from me and drinks it. “Uh-uh, not when you’re already in a shitty mood. Maybe you should call Lillian and have her come over.”
Regina rolls her eyes. “That’s too mean. Using a woman to make her jealous could always come back to bite you. You could try talking to her instead, Pop. Crazy concept, I know.”
“Interesting, telling Pop to talk when you wouldn’t. It might be mean, but it will work.” Dominic nods at me.
“Talking only works when both people do it. You ordered me around without ever asking me. I didn’t feel safe talking to you. That you would listen and not judge me as being young and stupid or something. Threatening me with that woman was cruel.” She sighs. “Sometimes I wonder why I love you when you’re such an asshole.”
“I was never going to touch her. I didn’t want anyone else the moment I laid eyes on you. You weren’t supposed to let her even get to my room. I waited more than five fucking minutes to call her.” Dominic shakes his head. “What kind of wife doesn’t react when she’s told another woman is coming to her home to fuck her husband?”
“The kind of wife who was afraid you thought our marriage was a shitshow, and so what did it matter anyway?” She takes the glass of wine and drinks it down in one swallow.
“You moved out of our room without any fucking explanation. I waited for fifty-seven long days and nights for you to come to me.”
Regina blushes as she reaches for his hand. “What would you have done if I hadn’t gone in there?”
He laughs as he pulls her into his lap. “I would have told her to get herself off so you could hear it, then sent her on her way. Fifty-seven days and agonizing nights, princess. You were driving me fucking crazy.”
Listening to Dominic, I’m reminded of Sara and her husband. The games people play. I’m too fucking old for games. Regina said she was afraid Dominic wouldn’t listen to her. I wince as I think of Christy complaining about Lillian and the way I brushed off her concern. When if another man dared to touch her, I would kill him and hurt her for allowing it.
Fuck. For years, I ran over our time together, wondering where I had gone wrong, what was the moment that had her leaving. The night she was back she told me that she was trying to be brave for me. Closing my eyes, I recall her saying she read to be brave and strong the way she wasn’t when she was young. The whole fucking reason she tried to kill me was to prove to herself she was strong enough to do something previously unthinkable.
I told her to prove her love. She’s been trying. Have I?
***
Christy
I go upstairs blindly. Opening the door, I lean against it as my knees give out. Three days. In three days, there is no going back.
A noise and my eyes go to it. Oh god, I thought I was in Rosie’s room, but it’s Luca’s room. He studies me intently. He’s lying on top of the covers reading on his cell phone.
“How tiresome. I understand now why it’s taken Pop so long to forgive you. It will only open him up for more drama and exhausting torture. It isn’t him you don’t trust and believe in. It’s you. You don’t think you’re worthy of him and his love, to be happy. And no matter how much he says it, proves it to you daily you’ll hold it against him, not yourself.” He rolls his eyes. “I cannot imagine a more thorough hell than thinking he’s in love with you.”
I go still listening to him. I try to shake my head only...I can’t find the words to argue with him. He’s right. It isn’t Tony I’m afraid of. It’s me. It’s always going to be me. Tony loves me, turned himself and his life inside out for me. I don’t think I deserve him. I’m a mess. I always have been. Tony came along fixed me and I repaid him by leaving him. Sliding down to my knees, the tears start, and I can’t stop them.
Luca shakes his head. “Pop goes almost five years without any for you, and you’re in here hiding from him when you should be talking to him.”
“He wasn’t with anyone?” Tony wouldn’t have lied. His regret was clear.
He shrugs. “Apparently after you left, he got wasted and did a lot of bad things with a lot of beautiful women. Once he sobered up, he hasn’t touched another woman since. Said it felt wrong.”
The door to his room opens suddenly. I look up to find Tony looming over me. His eyes go to Luca then me. Luca sighs. “Good luck with her, Pop. You are going to need it.”
Tony picks me up and walks me out of the room. He sets me on the bed, his hands cup my face. “I love you. I loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I was a bastard. Loving you scared the ever-loving fuck out of me, and I did not handle it well. I didn’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve a happily ever after. But I was sure if I held onto you tight enough, I could keep you.”
My chest twists so tight I can barely breathe. “I’m sorry. For being so weak and a coward. I love you so much, it scared the hell out of me too. You were and still are this big, strong, powerful god-like person to me. I can’t believe you dared look down at me, but I just knew one day you were going to look up and see how much better you could have it. You would come to your senses and leave. I couldn’t imagine how badly it would hurt, so I left first. But it hurt so damn bad. If it hadn’t been for Rosie, I don’t know what I would have done. I wouldn’t have made it. Having her was having a piece of you that got me through every day. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m not going to stop working for it.”
His hands tighten. “No more working for it. It’s done. You’re here now, and I’m tired of the bitterness and the hate and the resentment. That very first time, we did it, we made love. I would have sworn I had before, but nothing came close to what you made me feel. It wasn’t pleasure, it was finally being warm by a thousand suns after being cold and dark for years. That night, you gave me peace. You took the voices away from all the dead that haunt me. All I heard was you, all I felt was you.”
He shakes his head, closing his eyes. He opens them again and what I see catches my heart tight, and squeezes until I’m gasping for air. “Then you took it all away when you left. You took a piece of my soul with you. I knew you loved me when you walked away. Love was supposed to keep you with me. Ever since you came back, a part of me is terrified you’ll do it again and there is not a single doubt in my mind if you did leave me that I won’t be able to get through it again.”
I can’t see him through my tears, “I will never leave you. Until I breathe my last breath, all I am belongs to you. I left my heart with you. I came back to become whole again. The one good thing about being weak is I’ll never have the strength to leave you again.”
“You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for, my love. There aren’t many people who can put up with me and love me the way you do. Thank you for coming back.” The press of his lips is almost gentle against mine.