has been a complaint in the past. You don’t want to have a period?”
The way she says it has me wondering if that’s an option. “Um, yeah, who wants one? Without the shot I had mild period pain I’d rather avoid.”
With a nod, she makes a notation on my file. “Understandable, it can be arranged if you want. I’m going to take some blood, we have to do a quick pregnancy test. It’s standard, remember? Don’t look so scared. You should still be protected by the shot, and as long as you start taking the pill today there shouldn’t be any time when you need other protection. A blood test will tell us if there’s even trace amounts of the pregnancy hormone when a urine test would miss it.” She takes my blood without much pain. “The doctor will be in to see you in a little bit.”
Ethan sits back. “I’m concerned about you not having a period. It doesn’t seem natural.”
“Can we let the doctor decide? It’s easy for you to shrug it off when I’m the one in pain. Then worried is it time to change my tampon, is it too soon to take more pain pills, have I ruined another pair of panties?” My voice is sharp. I’m annoyed at his opinion over something I feel he didn’t have a say in.
With a sigh, he shrugs. “Okay, if the doctor says it’s safe.”
I bite my tongue. His word of safe reminds me he’s concerned about me. His phone goes off with a text and he responds. We’re both quiet until the soft knock before the doctor comes.
She’s nice, thoughtful, and listens with only a glance at Ethan. “I understand not wanting to continue the shot. I am sorry it didn’t work for you. If you would rather not have a period, that isn’t a problem and it’s perfectly safe. I’ll prescribe a low dose pill. The only thing is that in the first few months you really can’t miss a pill. It’s actually safer than the shot, and you won’t take as long to get pregnant once you stop taking the pill, when you’re ready.”
“Works for me.”
“Okay, when you fill, they’ll give you three packets at a time. The instructions are to take the pill for three months then go a week without. However, you don’t have to if you don’t want. It’s up to you.” She’s writing out the prescription, when there’s a knock out the door.
The nurse opens the door. “The pregnancy test is negative.”
“That’s everything then. Here you go. Call if you need anything, and don’t forget your yearly. Any questions?”
I attempt to shrug off the disappointment that comes out of nowhere at the nurse’s words. Of course, it was negative, that was a good thing. Looking at Ethan, I’m surprised to see him looking dazed as he shakes his head. “No questions.”
“All right.” She’s hands me the prescription. I tuck it into my purse as she leaves.
Sliding off the table, I look at Ethan who is still seated. “Ethan?”
He looks up, seeing I’m looking down at him. He stands. “Ricky will take me to work then he’ll take you home.”
As we wait for the elevator, Ethan calls Ricky to let him know we’re ready. I can’t help but notice that Ethan hasn’t touched me once. He’s obviously thinking, and for some reason it’s making me nervous. The drive to his office feels like it takes ages, without a word from him. When the car stops at his office, it looks like he’s going to get out without a look at me.
“Ethan?” I reach out to stop him.
At last, he meets my eye, he looks startled. Leaning in, he kisses me softly. “Have a good day.” Then he’s gone, with the door closing lightly.
Sitting back, I can’t help but wonder what the hell is going on in his head.
Chapter Thirty
As Holly tells me, without blinking an eye, her doctor wants to see her immediately to change her birth control, ice skims down my back. Even Holly looks scared for a moment, until she thinks it through. I’m a little reassured by her thoughts, yet, still can’t shake a sliver of concern. I cling to her words. She couldn’t be pregnant, there isn’t a single sign, no morning sickness or aversions to smells, and her beautiful breasts haven’t changed. I’ll feel better, though, hearing it from the doctor directly. Only, I don’t say that when she questions me about going with her.
When she falls asleep in my arms, I study her body in the jeans and silky thin blouse she’s wearing. If anything, her body has become more toned, her stomach, while still soft, is no longer as rounded as it had once been. She’s still small to me, my hand covers her stomach completely. Even though we’ve never talked about it, I have no doubt she wants children. The way she talked about working with children... her face softened with longing. Holly would be an amazing mother, it’s easy to picture her not just holding a baby, but getting down on the floor with a toddler, either having tea parties or playing with cars while making all the right noises.
As I look around the condo, I couldn’t see a child playing here, the living room scattered with toys. For the first time, I’m not sure what I’m feeling, children have always been a no without even thinking about it. Yet, the idea of a miniature Holly with big brown eyes and chubby cheeks smiling at me in greeting has my chest feeling hollow. I carry her to bed, trying not to think about something that wasn’t even an option. Children meant commitment, no more twelve-hour days, and putting someone else before my needs. I’m not ready for any of it, I’m not sure if I ever will be.
The next morning, it feels like it takes forever until we arrive at the doctor’s office. I’m glad we’re shown to the back quickly, but it doesn’t seem safe—Holly not wanting to have a period. Checking the doctor online, I see she is highly degreed as well as respected. I trust in her assurance the continuous taking of the pill is safe for Holly. Then the nurse sticks her head back in the room and nonchalantly sends a kick into my chest. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, yet, I feel as if someone has torn off my arm then handed it back to me.
As I’m getting out of the car Holly stops me, I know she’s confused, so am I. All I can do is kiss her goodbye while I try to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.
All I want to do is get to my office, except I don’t make it out of the elevator five steps before a receptionist stops me. “Sir, Ms. Barker would like to see you.”
Fuck, fine. With a nod, I head toward Karen’s office. Her door is open, which isn’t common for Karen. When she sees me, she waves me in. “Ethan, can you close the door? You have me worried this morning.”
My mind still in turmoil, I only shrug. “You wanted to see me?”
Karen gives me a long look. Despite her being one of the few partners I genuinely like and respect, I don’t fill the silence. Giving up, she sighs. “I am concerned about you not attending the Mimi Delancy opening in New York last month. Then you were MIA for the de Roux reopening a few weeks ago. There is an expectation for you to attend the important events your clients hold and which you had a part in.”