Claudine looks to Bethany then me, then nods.
Bethany sighs. “If Claudine won’t do it then you need to.”
It helps she’s not looking at me, that her lower lip is trembling. It allows me to hold on to my anger. It doesn’t help she’s not wearing my ring. I grip her arms tight as she tries to get away. “The wedding isn’t off, not today, not tomorrow, not fucking ever. I told you the baby was the excuse I was looking for. I love you, damnit. I was stupid and let myself think too much. I thought it was too soon to propose; you were in my home and in my bed, and for the moment it was enough. I had the ring and was counting down the days until we hit a year and everyone around us wouldn’t think we were nuts. You’re it, you’re the brass ring, you’re every dream I didn’t know I had and everything I know I don’t deserve but can’t live without. Fuck time, fuck a calendar; it’s you and me and forever, and that’s all that matters.”
She’s shaking her head, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I appreciate you saying it, but—”
“Are you fucking listening to me? Appreciate, you appreciate me saying I love you? You appreciate me baring my fucking soul? Are you listening to yourself? I love you, and I get right now you’re hurting, hurting so bad you don’t know if it will ever stop, but don’t make it worse by trying to push me away when you love me and need me too. The wedding stands, you aren’t going anywhere and neither am I.” I want to scream when she squeezes her eyes shut and walks away from me. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” I don’t touch her, I don’t dare when I’m so angry.
“To work. I’ll go stay with Alicia and Cesare while I decide where I want to live.”
It’s like talking to a fucking wall. I grab her, swinging her around to face me. The damn doorbell goes off. Damn it. Because there was no call from the desk, it’s either Che or Claudine. Thank fuck because I need someone here to keep from doing something I’m going to regret. “Don’t fucking move.” I snarl as I go answer the door.
I open the door to find Alicia looking like hell. She throws her arms around me. “I’m sorry. How is she?”
“She’s lost her damn mind. Just so you know right now, you aren’t taking her out of here.”
Alicia gasps as she pulls away. “What? Of course not.”
“Maybe you can talk some sense into her.”
Nodding, dazed, she answers, “I’ll try.”
“I guess it was a good thing Alicia wouldn’t listen to me?” Che sighs as he looks me over.
“I don’t even fucking know right now. She walks out not wearing her ring, talking about cancelling the wedding, going to stay with you guys. This day is...”
“I can’t imagine. Let’s go get something to drink.”
***
Bethany
“Bethany.” Alicia’s arms are around me but I don’t want to be touched, I want to be left alone. I push her away. “I’m sorry, Bethany.”
“Please go away. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want you saying you’re sorry.”
“Go away? I thought I was taking you home with me? Isn’t that what you told Dante? The wedding is off and you’re leaving. If you want me to go away, how does that work?”
I’m so confused. Nothing is going how I planned. Dante would say okay, he understood, and he’d call Alicia to take me away. But he’s saying he loves me, he’s saying he’s always loved me. He reminded me he bought my ring long before I fucked up. Dante is saying he won’t let me go. I don’t want to go. But how can I stay with all this pain I caused him?
Overwhelmed, I sway against the wall, then the damn tears explode all over again and I’m sliding down to the floor, wishing it would swallow me up and I could disappear. Alicia has her arms around me again; I can only vaguely make out her words as she rocks me. She’s saying everything will be okay, but how can it when I hurt so bad?
A long time later Alicia has managed to get me onto the couch. With Maude in my lap and Mac’s head on my feet, I chew slowly on the toast with jam she threatened to shove down my throat.
“For the record, I’m not taking you home with me. This is your home. Dante is your home. I understand you’re in pain, but don’t take your pain out on him, because he’s hurting too.”
“I’m not taking my pain out on him. I should leave for him. I’ve already hurt him so much already.”
“So you’re going to compound his pain by leaving him when it’s the last thing he wants? What happened was beyond your control. You couldn’t have stopped it, you didn’t cause it. It hurts, damn I know it hurts, but gradually the pain isn’t as bad and it’s horrible to think that because the pain means you cared and you think it’s wrong it doesn’t hurt as much, like you don’t care about what you lost. Only it doesn’t, it only means you can’t hold on to the pain, you have to let it go so you can accept what comes after.”
I don’t want to let go of the pain. It’s all I have left.
Dante
We’re in a cigar bar off Michigan and I’m trying not throw back my second pour like I did my first.
&n