I brought my lips to hers again and kissed her as deeply as I had before. I wanted her to understand that her pulling back hadn’t changed how I felt. I still wanted her, loved the feeling of pressing my lips to her soft mouth, and that was enough for now.
15
Mila
When Deck got up and went inside after being so sweet to reassure me, I wanted to cry in frustration.
It had been almost nine years since one stupid night changed my life. Nine years in which the idea of a man touching my body, shut me down. Nine years that I spent wondering if I’d ever be ready to let go of the fear, the memories, the anxiety that sent me into near panic whenever a man got too close.
I tried counseling, which helped some, and had visited a Sexual Abuse Support Group the therapist recommended. I attended one meeting and never returned.
The other people in the group spoke of horrifying experiences, far worse than what had happened to me. Some talked about how they’d told a person of trust, who didn’t believe them or looked the other way.
I hadn’t been able to bring myself to talk about what happened to me that night, or how the person I should’ve been able to trust had saved me only to turn around and betray me.
Had I been harmed mentally and emotionally? Yes. Physically? Not nearly as bad as most of the other people in the group—at least the ones who had shared their stories that day.
I wondered now if I should’ve tried harder to do the work the therapist had recommended. Worse, whenever I thought about that night, I wondered if I’d made the right decision when I agreed not to report it. But what choice had I had?
I picked up my cup, went inside to get more coffee, and heard my phone’s ringtone from the bedroom. By the time I got to it, it had gone silent. I didn’t need to look at the screen to know it had been Adler, or listen to the message he left to know why he called.
Why had he come back to Texas? When he’d left for Boston, his attitude had reeked ambivalence. He seemed angry that I refused to fly back with him, but not at all concerned as to why.
When he’d called yesterday, his pleas for me to call him back seemed frantic. Again, why? What had happened between the time he left me standing in front of the sheriff’s office and the next morning? I couldn’t come up with an explanation that made any sense.
I heard the bathroom door open, and turned to meet Decker’s gaze.
“Adler?” he asked, looking at the phone in my hand.
“I missed his call.”
Decker nodded and walked into the bedroom. “I’ve given this some thought.”
“Okay…”
“I want to invite him to stay at the ranch.”
I was stunned. “Why?”
“It’ll give me the opportunity to get a read on him. Not to mention that, in order to do so, he’ll need to be scanned into the ranch’s security systems. If Rile and the boys haven’t found anything on him yet, that’ll speed things up.”
“If there’s anything to find,” I added. Was Adler really one of the bad guys? Part of me didn’t want to believe it even though another part of me was beginning to believe he was.
“That’s right,” he responded, albeit half-heartedly. “There’s another possibility. He may not want to expose himself to a background check. If that’s the case, he’ll backpedal. And then, we’ll know there’s something he’s hiding.”
I sat on the end of the bed, and Decker sat next to me. “Talk to me, sweetheart.”
“There wasn’t anything you said that truly surprised me, other than your suggestion that we invite Ad to stay at the ranch. It all makes sense. I’m just having a hard time understanding what he could possibly have to do with my sister’s murder. It wasn’t like he could’ve flown to Texas, shot her, and then returned to Boston. He was at my apartment shortly after I got home from work, and stayed with me until the next morning.”
“Can you repeat that la
st sentence for me?”
I leaned over and rested my head on Decker’s shoulder. “He slept in the chair.”
Deck put his arm around me and kissed the side of my face. “You came pretty close to giving me a reason to rip his arms off.”
“I never let him touch me, and I never would. When you were in the shower, I thought about how different it is between you and me. I hardly know you, and yet I feel safe with you. I’ve never been able to let my guard down with Adler. Not just him, any other man.” I turned so I could look into his eyes. “I haven’t let another man touch me in nine years, Decker.”