The Fatherhood Affair

‘What did I know, Natalie? You directed us here. You insisted every instinct told you it was right. I believed in your instinct. This was where you wanted to be with me. To start afresh.’ He made a derisive sound. ‘What choice did that leave me?’

She had to acknowledge he hadn’t liked it, but did that excuse his acquiescence?

‘For all I knew,’ he continued bitterly, ‘you had a need to wipe out unhappy memories, overlaying them with good ones. I was the one who had to stop myself from being haunted by the ghost of Brett. And now you throw him in my face. Well, if this is some twisted revenge for your twisted perception of me, I can do without it.’

She was abruptly presented with his back as he strode towards the door. ‘Where are you going?’ she cried, suddenly torn by the fear of him leaving her.

‘To get some fresh air.’ He wrenched the door open, then halted his exit, his gaze sweeping back to her, piercing in its intensity. ‘Why you would want to pollute what we just shared together is beyond my understanding.’

Before she could muster any reply, he stepped out of the room and closed the door firmly behind him. As a parting shot it was deadly, sinking home the fact she was destroying the present with a past that could only poison any chance of happiness.

She lifted shaky hands out of the robe’s pockets and rubbed at her forehead. What Damien said was true. He had been answering her needs in coming here, doing what she asked. She had urged him all the way. But why had she connected Damien so strongly to Merlinmist? More than that. To a honeymoon at Merlinmist.

All those years ago, had she ended up wishing it were Damien with her, and not Brett? Had she been playing out a secret fantasy in bringing Damien here? Or had she felt he owed her the kind of honeymoon she should have had?

She shook her head. What had happened wasn’t his fault. Damien was right about that. None of it was his fault. He wasn’t responsible for what another man did. Yet somehow she couldn’t quite banish the feeling that Damien was some dark Macchiavellian figure behind all of Brett’s actions. The dominator. But that might only be the sheer strength of his character and personality. Could he be blamed for simply being the man he was?

Natalie tottered over to an armchair, shocked at such devastating revelations about herself. She sank into the soft cushions, grateful for their support as she tried to sort through the turbulence in her mind.

Damien had predicted this violent reaction to him, the surge of hatred that would be blind to all he’d done for her, all he felt for her. It shamed her that he’d been right. He didn’t deserve it. Damien hadn’t forced her into anything. He had simply been there for her. Maybe he had always been there for her...throughout her marriage to Brett. Although she hadn’t recognised it. Lovers, he had said, but not in the physical sense. How much frustration was there in that?

Her body clenched at the memory of their intimacy, desire so strong it blotted out everything but their driving need for each other, the fulfilment of a wanting that couldn’t wait any longer. And it had been good. More than good. Wonderful. Incredibly perfect. Why couldn’t she hold on to that and put the past in the past? She had to learn how to let go. Why was she afraid to accept what she had shared with Damien at face value?

Damien claimed he had never done anything to hurt her. She had no real evidence to the contrary. But it sat uneasily on her that he had been Brett’s best friend...his business partner...inextricably linked to her rotten marriage. Her hatred of him...was it the other side of love? Had it been her defence against the feelings Damien stirred within her?

If only she could remember more. The years following on from her honeymoon were a grey blur. She couldn’t pluck anything out of them except Ryan, the precious child she’d loved and lost.

Ryan... Her gaze drifted to the window...the unforgiving cliffs on the other side of the valley. She felt the blood drain from her face as understanding drove through her mind. Ryan had fallen over a cliff, fallen to his death...and Brett had died, too, trying to save Ryan...but too late...too late...

Damien was mixed up in those events somehow. Damien, covering up for Brett, always covering up. She couldn’t trust Damien. She didn’t know what went on inside his head, what his real feelings were. He only told her what he deemed it necessary for her to know within the ambit of their relationship. While he might have spoken the truth, was it all the truth?

She didn’t know. She simply didn’t know. And she was afraid of what she didn’t know. One thing she was certain of. She couldn’t stay here with Damien now. Merlinmist was too tainted with memories that neither of them would be able to dispel.

She considered what course of action she should take. She needed time to fill in the gaps in her memory. If her perception of Damien was twisted, as he claimed, she wanted to get to the heart of the matter, and she couldn’t do that until she knew more.

She didn’t feel up to travelling far, didn’t want to go back to the sterile house she had shared with Brett. She remembered the name of one of the resorts they had passed on the way here. Fairmont. A few days there might provide some answers. She could hire a car or take a train when she was ready to return to Sydney. Since Brett had been Damien’s business partner, she must have some money, although a memory stirred that there had been financial difficulties.

Having made her decision, Natalie pushed herself into moving. She telephoned the Fairmont Resort. There were rooms available. She booked one for a week. Satisfied she had a place to go to, she showered and dressed. With one last regretful glance around the room that had seemed so warm and welcoming, she picked up her bag and went downstairs. Perhaps one day she and Damien might return and know lasting happiness in the half-tester bed with the yellow drapes. She thought not. The ghosts of yesteryear were not so easily exorcised.

She left her bag at the reception desk in the foyer and went outside in search of Damien. She had to speak to him first before calling for a taxi. She checked the parking area. His Jaguar was still there. She walked around the grounds, barely noticing the artistry of the landscaping, not pausing to read the plaques on the magnificent specimen trees. Damien was nowhere to be seen.

She took the zigzag path that led down to the valley far below. She hoped Damien hadn’t gone far. She didn’t have the strength for a strenuous walk. She paused at the first bend, watching the mist swirling up from the valley, obscuring the view. What she needed was Merlin’s magic to dispel the mist in her mind. If only it could be that easy.

She plodded on with a heavy heart, not anticipating any joy in meeting with Damien, but she couldn’t run away from him. He deserved an explanation from her. An apology, as well. She had to be fair. In her ignorance, she might be doing him an unjustifiable injury in not accepting what he held out to her.

He was sitting on the garden bench at the third bend. He was not looking at the view. He was hunched over, elbows resting on his thighs, hands linked between his knees. He didn’t hear her approach, too absorbed in his thoughts to be aware of anything outside them. He looked weary beyond measure.

Natalie’s heart squeezed with painful uncertainty. Had she tried him too far? Was she a fool to hesitate over joining her life to his? Would she lose what she wanted through doubts that had no substance?

‘Damien...’

His head jerked up and snapped around. It was plain he was startled to see her. Not expecting it. Not expecting anything from her. He rose to his feet in a slower movement, gathering his emotional resources to deal with whatever came. She could sense him arming himself and wished it didn’t have to be that way. If only they could go back...retrieve the heady freedom of having no emotional baggage from what had previously happened. But it hadn’t been that way for him, and now it couldn’t be that way for her.

‘I’m sorry I acted so...so unkindly,’ she offered, feeling hopelessly inadequate to express herself.

‘It was always going to happen, Natalie,’ he stated flatly. ‘I knew it...yet I can’t accept it.’ His eyes searched hers for some latitude. ‘Are you staying or fleeing?’

No attempt at persuasion. Her choice would tell him all he wanted to know.