“I thought at first, judging from your behavior, that I needed to change other rules too, but from what the council tells me, it’s more a matter of you misbehaving than any rule changes being needed. I’m not sure why I’ve let you get away with so much, Nicky, but all that is going to change. I’m retraining you, and this time, I’ll be more strict. As the alpha’s pet, you need to set a good example for the younger pets. All of them look up to you and will follow your lead. ”
“Retraining,” Nicky said quietly. “And if I refuse?”
Marco leaned forward. “Nicky, understand me on this. My pet has to be a leader and must be well-behaved. I would never force you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Please understand I’m not trying to threaten you—I’m only trying to be honest. If being submissive to me is so hateful to you, then, I’m sorry, but you’re not what I want or need in a mate. Since the blood match is no longer a factor, I could allow you to leave. The match could be dissolved. ”
He let the words sink in as Nicky’s eyes filled with hurt, angry tears. How could this be happening? He’d thought this love with Marco would be forever. He’d always been told that wolves ma
ted for life, and he’d been more than happy to spend his life right here with Marco. Now Marco was telling him he was expendable. He felt like he was in a nightmare and couldn’t wake up.
Marco put his hand over Nicky’s, where it lay suddenly still and lifeless in his lap. “Please understand I’m not trying to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want you to go. But if you decide to leave, remember I’ll never abandon you. I’ll continue to feed you and give you whatever you need. You’d always have a home here, and maybe you could find a mate with someone else. It’s obvious that many of the males admire you. The females too. ”
Nicky pulled his hand sharply away. “While you mate with someone else too? And the idea of my being with another wolf seriously doesn’t bother you?” Nicky’s voice was filled with hurt and shock. Marco looked uneasy.
“Yes, of course, it would bother me at first. Even in a short time, I’ve come to have feelings for you. I have a few memories that have come back—not many,” he said quickly when hope sprang up in Nicky’s eyes. “But I feel—I feel things I don’t understand. Some of the memories confuse me, I’ll admit. But yes, in time, I-I may well have to find someone else if you decide to leave me. ”
“Oh, let’s have some honesty between us, Marco. It won’t be me ‘deciding’ to leave you— this is about you forcing me into a decision. Backing me into a wall. ”
Marco leaned back and tightened his own lips in anger. “Be reasonable, Nicky. This is not the way I want to live my life, any more than it’s what you want. Wolves are dominant creatures, and the alpha is the most dominant of any in the pack. Yes, I want a submissive mate, but I won’t force you into it. I’m not some kind of slaver. A slave wants his freedom, while a submissive wants nothing more than to belong to his master and to freely give up control. I have no interest in an unwilling partner, Nicky. If you can’t give yourself to me completely and become my submissive mate, then what future do we have together? One of us will always be wanting more than the other could possibly give. ”
He leaned forward and took Nicky’s unresisting hand in his, rubbing his thumb along the back of Nicky’s hand. “I’m trying to give you a choice. I think I’ve seen some true submission in you, but only you know what you really want—what you need to make you happy. I want you to think this over very carefully. Be sure. Ian and the others are urging me to wait and see if my memory comes back, but I know my own mind. If I didn’t push the submission issue before, then it had to be because of the blood match. The blood match blinds us to anything except being with our mate. Usually the match is a good one and pairs us with a mate who is perfect for us. I think, in our case, the match could have been a mistake. ”
Nicky shut his eyes, feeling the words hit him like poison darts, each one hurtful and potentially even killing. He shook his head, unable to say a word.
“Nicky, please understand,” Marco said. “I must have been afraid to lose you before, and to tell you the truth, the idea is still hateful to me. I want you for my mate, but only if this is something you truly want too. We both deserve to be with someone who can make us happy. Take some time and think it over, baby. I’ll go with whatever you decide, but make no mistake. If you decide to stay with me, you’ll belong to me completely, and I won’t be satisfied with less. ”
He rose to his feet, gave him a long, significant look and walked away, leaving Nicky confused and heartbroken, not knowing which way to turn. He put his head down on the table and one low sob shook his shoulders. A hand on his back made him raise his head and dash the tears away from his eyes. It was Logan, looking at him with concern.
“What’s the matter, Nicky? What did he say to you? I was watching you two from nearby and when I saw how intense the conversation was getting, I decided to wait and see if you were okay. ”
“He really doesn’t love me anymore, Logan. I kept thinking that deep down he still did, and I could somehow reawaken it, but I can’t. ”
“Nicky, I don’t think Marco even knows what he feels anymore. Give him some time, and he’ll remember you. Or else he’ll fall in love with you all over again. ”
“Not if he won’t give me a chance. Not if he dissolves our mating. ”
“What? I don’t believe it! Marco would never let you go. ”
Nicky shrugged sadly. “That’s what I thought, but he said he wants someone who’s more submissive, and who doesn’t disobey all the time. ”
“That asshole!”
“Oh, Logan, he’s right, in a way. He said we both deserve to be happy. He doesn’t remember me, really, and what we once had together. He knows what he wants in a mate, and if I can’t bring myself to submit to his authority the way he wants, then maybe he’s right. Maybe we should be apart. Though the thought of him with someone else makes me…” He bent over and clutched at his stomach. “I think I’m going to be sick. ”
Logan jumped to his feet in alarm and grabbed a trash can from against the wall. He shoved it under Nicky and rubbed his back in sympathy as Nicky retched helplessly into it. When Nicky finished, he helped him to his feet.
“Come on. Let’s get you upstairs where we can talk in private and you can lie down for a while. ”
Nicky allowed Logan to take him back upstairs and help him over to the sofa where he stretched out, still trembling from the stress of what Marco had told him and the weightiness of the decision he had to make.
Really, how could there even be any choice? He couldn’t leave Marco. Just the idea of it had made him violently ill. No matter how much he joked about him and teased him in the past about being a stubborn, dominating throwback, he still couldn’t imagine his life without him. He didn’t want to. He would do whatever it took to stay with Marco—whatever it took. And in all truthfulness, he’d always been submissive to Marco in the bedroom, an enthusiastic bottom to his top. It was his stupid pride that was getting in the way, and he wouldn’t allow that to ruin his happiness.
If Marco wanted him to wear a collar and obey him in public, then he would do it. Marco had mentioned retraining, which would probably mean a couple of weeks of kissing his ass in front of the pack and hot sex when they got back home. Surely he could handle that. He might even enjoy it, if he could relax and allow it to happen. He loved Marco’s dominance in bed, and Marco would never be really mean to him, no matter if he remembered him or not.
Dominance wasn’t about being mean to someone, Nicky knew that. He knew it instinctively. Marco had said true submission was about giving yourself completely to another man and putting all that you were into his hands. Hadn’t he already done that with Marco a long time ago? Sure, he liked to tease him and try to get his attention, but that’s usually all it was. He wanted his undivided attention. He craved it and would do anything to get it. He could do this. He would do this. Nicky turned to Logan, who’d been sitting quietly in a nearby chair watching him.
“Logan, would you do me a huge favor and go get Marco? Tell him I’ve made my decision. ”
“Nicky, are you sure? Really sure?”