A Lover's Lament

“I hate you.”

“Because I’m right. You totally walked, didn’t you?”

“I jogged,” she corrects. “There’s a big difference. And enough about me.” She huffs, but the amusement is clear in her voice. “How was your day?”

“Boring … but a boring day is a good day over here.” I pause and think about how lucky we’ve been as of late. Not much has happened since the incident with the girl, and the missions have run smoothly thus far. In my experience, that means something is bound to happen. There’s always a calm before the storm.

“What’s it like over there? And what do you do … wait, am I allowed to ask that?”

“Yeah, you can ask that.” I laugh, secretly loving that she wants to know more about me. “It’s nothing too special. We’re on something called a combat outpost, so it’s pretty small … just bare essentials. A few buildings, one of which I’m in now, and some tents we stay in. A couple of porta-potties but no shower.”

“No shower? Yikes!” She laughs but catches herself, as if she feels bad for jesting me.

“No, you have no idea. Our tents have a smell that could be collected and used as a biological weapon. It’s beyond bad.” She laughs loudly through the phone and it makes me want to continue, if only to hear that sweet sound again. “I do my absolute best with baby wipes and water bottles, but some of these guys over here have a misunderstanding of what good hygiene is. I swear this guy Elkins hasn’t changed his uniform in months. You could stand it upright without him in it.”

“Oh God,” she slips out between laughs.

“As far as day-to-day life though, it has its ups and downs. There are incredibly slow, dull moments, and there are times when I feel like I’m in an action movie ... and some days I wish it were a movie.” At least then I could pick up after the credits start rolling and go home, safe and sound.

Katie clears her throat. “It’s crazy it’s only been a little less than twenty-four hours since we last spoke. It felt like a whole lot longer.” There’s the girl I grew up with, I think to myself, never afraid to say exactly what she’s thinking.

“You seriously have no fucking idea.” My head falls back between my shoulders, and I run a hand along the back of my neck. “Right now, a lot of our job is just sitting around in a Humvee doing nothing, so time drags on at a snail’s pace. After the day I had, I feel like it’s been weeks since we’ve talked.”

I pause for a moment and a crackling static takes over the line. “Am I going to make a fool of myself if I say you were the only thing on my mind the entire twelve-hour mission?” I laugh, but it’s the nervous kind that comes out all wrong.

“Really?” she asks, her voice laced with disbelief.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I got your first letter.”

“Devin …” The rough sound of my name falling from her lips is almost my undoing. What I wouldn’t give to hear her say my name like that, naked and writhing beneath me. “I like it. I like that you think about me … that you couldn’t stop thinking about me.” She pauses. My heart is pounding against my ribcage as I wait for her to continue—and she will continue. I can feel it. Her honesty and openness amazes me … everything about my girl amazes me.

My girl. Fuck, that sounds good.

“I’m happy to hear that you think of me because you, Sergeant Clay, have taken up way too many of my thoughts as well. So it makes me happy to hear that the feeling is mutual. I’m glad I’m not alone in this.” My chest tightens. This girl couldn’t get more perfect. How in the hell I got so lucky, I’ll never know.

“More than mutual.” The words jump from my mouth before I can stop them. Damn, it probably makes me sound like a fucking pussy, but it feels good telling her that. I shake my head, even though she can’t see me. “I looked forward to your letters and emails, Katie, but now that we’ve talked … I can’t tell you how nice it is to be able to call you after the long-ass day I had. You know I’m gonna crave your voice now, don’t you?” I hear a quick intake of air, and I can’t hold back the smile tugging at my lips. My eyes drift to the clock and I cringe—I forgot about the time difference. “I hope it’s alright that I’m calling at this time.”

“Of course,” she says. “Like I said, call me anytime. If I’m not around to answer or have something else going on, I’ll just email you and you can give me a call back. Deal?” God, how could I not agree to everything this woman says?

“You’ve got yourself a deal.” And because nothing in my life is ever easy, I hear a long whistle followed by an explosion off in the distance. The sounds put my body on high alert. I straighten up in my seat, stiff as a board, and listen for any more sounds.

“Devin?” I hear her, but I don’t respond right away. I listen as another long whistle sounds and another blast hits—closer this time. “Devin, what is that?” The panic in her voice reclaims my attention.

“Hey, it was nothing,” I lie, shifting the phone to my other ear. I cock my head and listen for more.

“Are you sure? It didn’t sound like nothing.” Damn it. This is the part I didn’t want her to be exposed to—the part I wanted to pretend didn’t exist. I want to end the call before the mortar rounds strike closer and the sound of the explosions cannot be mistaken, but I can’t bear to let her go. The commotion on the other side of the door in headquarters has picked up now, and I know shit is about to go down. Just a little bit longer. I need to talk to her just a little bit longer.

“Nothing out of the ordinary, I promise.” The last word is cut in half by a whistle that punishes the eardrums and is followed by an explosion that rocks the walls of the building as if they were made of paper. The phone clicks and buzzes, but I hear Katie faintly calling for me on the other end.

I can hear chaos outside and I know this is bad. They’ve successfully targeted their mortar rounds and there are sure to be more to come. “Katie?” I call frantically into the receiver, needing to know I didn’t lose her, desperate to hear her voice one last time.

“Devin? Devin, I’m scared. I can’t los—” Her trembling voice is muted by the static buzz, but I know exactly what she was saying because it’s the same thing I was thinking.

And maybe that’s what motivates me to continue. Maybe that’s what pulls the next words from my throat.

My words are rushed, and I don’t even know if she can hear me, but she needs to know … I want her to know. “I want you back. I want us, Katie, and I’ll—”

The line goes dead—my words cut off—and I’m thrown from my chair as another explosion rocks the earth beneath my feet.