A Lover's Lament
“From Where You Are” – Lifehouse
“DEVIN?” ALL THE BLOOD DRAINS from my face, my heart racing so fast it’s literally seconds away from exploding. “Devin!” The shrill sound of a woman screaming penetrates through the blood pounding in my ears, and I look around before realizing that woman is me.
“No. Nononono.” Snapping the phone shut, I rub my fingers over my temples, tryi
ng to drown out what I heard. Devin’s words were broken and barely audible when they completely cut off. Images of him lying on the ground, hurt or worse, start playing through my mind, and I look around, frantically trying to decide what to do. I need to do something. I can’t just sit here and do nothing.
My body freezes at the realization that there isn’t a damn thing I can do. Devin is half a world away, and I have no other way to contact him. “Oh, God.” My limbs go numb. Fear courses through my body, robbing it of normal function and control. On unsteady legs I push from the couch, and with jerky movements I walk across the living room into the kitchen, my phone gripped so tight in my hand that my knuckles are painfully white.
I can’t do anything. Just like with Daddy, I’m helpless.
Sucking in a shuddery breath, I send out a quick text—a cry for help—and then I toss my phone on the counter and brace myself for impact. With my hands planted firmly against the sink, I bow my head, allowing myself to be absorbed into the all-consuming and far-too-familiar sense of dread. Call it what you want … panic, fear, terror. It’s all the same. And right now, like the blood in my veins, it’s flowing through my body.
Chills race up my arms, leaving a trail of goose bumps in their wake, and the sob that’s been building inside my chest finally rips free, causing me to collapse to the floor. My vision blurs, tears sliding thick and fast down my cheeks. Images of my dad in the car, blood running from his face, flash in my head … only it’s not my dad’s face I see, it’s Devin’s. Pulling my knees to my chest, I bury my head and cry.
Time passes, each vision tearing off another chunk of my heart. Maybe I’ve been here for minutes, maybe hours; I honestly have no idea. But when I hear my mom’s soft voice, my head snaps up.
“Katie.” She rushes toward me, dropping to her knees. Pulling me against her chest, her familiar arms curl around my body, wrapping me in the warmth and love that I knew only she could provide. “Katie, sweetheart, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me, honey.”
“Devin.” Pulling back, I wipe the tears from my face but they’re quickly replaced. “We were talking and there was th-this loud noise, and he said that everything was o-okay but it wasn’t.” My words break as my chest heaves. “It wasn’t okay”—my head shakes frantically—“because I h-heard it again, this l-loud whistle … and then there was a b-boom … and then he was gone. Just like th-that, he was gone, and I don’t know w-what to do. I can’t l-lose him, Mama. I can’t.” The thought of losing him—again—is nearly unbearable. A tight band constricts around my chest, robbing air from my lungs, and threatening to squeeze the life out of my heart.
Bile rushes up my throat. Scrambling from the floor, I run to the trashcan. A burning sensation rips through my stomach as I expel all of its contents.
Mom sweeps my hair out of my face, securing it in a band. Seconds later, a cool, wet cloth is pressed against the back of my neck. With each surge of my stomach, I bawl, breaking down bit by bit until there’s nothing left. Only then do I allow myself to drift toward the dark tunnel of the place I was before … the empty hole I buried myself in after Daddy’s death.
How could I put myself through this again? How could I care for a man that could so easily be torn away from me? I knew Devin was a soldier and I knew the risks that went along with that, yet I still allowed myself to fall for him … care for him … love him. Another rush of bile crawls up my throat, but this time I’m able to swallow past it.
“Come on.” Wrapping one arm around my back, my mom guides me gently to my room, tucks me in bed and then climbs in next to me. I snuggle against her side, and she kisses the top of my head and then whispers, “Devin, huh?”
My eyes snap up. Mama is watching me, but instead of looking upset or confused, she looks curious. I told her that Wyatt and I broke things off, but I never did tell her about Devin … not even that we’re talking again after all this time. I decide she needs an update.
So I tell her about the pen pal program, and we talk about Devin and what he’s been through, and how he’s managed to break through my walls and steal a piece of my heart. She smiles when I relive the moment I read his first letter to me and how his words were a punch to my solar plexus, then she laughs when I tell her about the way he made fun of me trying to run. My eyes drift shut as I describe hearing his voice for the first time in so long, and the way it literally made my heart flop around in my chest. When I open my eyes, I see that she has tears building in hers.
“So what do we do now?” She said we. Air rushes from my lungs. Tilting her head to get a better look at my face, she smiles. “How do we find out if Devin is okay?”
“I, uh …” Scanning through every letter, email and conversation in my head, I try to think of anything to help me out, but I come up empty. “I have no idea. I don’t even know where to start. There is a number on my phone, one that pops up when he calls, but I don’t know if I’m allowed to call it—or even if I should. Not after what I heard on the phone.” I don’t know the fucking rules or procedures or anything, and it’s driving me insane. Rubbing a hand over my face, I thread my fingers into my hair, gripping it at the roots. What do I do?
“I wish I had some answers for you, sweetie, but I don’t.” Mama sighs, readjusting herself on my pillows. “Devin always was a smart young man, and I’m sure he could tell how scared you were on the phone.” I nod, remembering his words and the way he was trying to comfort and reassure me when all hell was obviously breaking loose around him. “I’m sure that, whenever he can, he’ll find a way to reach out to you.”
“I know.” Biting my lip, I suck it into my mouth. “But that doesn’t help me now. I’m scared for him. I want to know that he’s okay.”
“I know, honey.”
“He’s more than my friend,” I whisper, tucking my head under her chin. “I know it sounds silly, but I feel like I’m right back where I was when I was eighteen. It’s like nothing has changed. My feelings haven’t wavered, and if anything, they’ve only grown stronger. He feels it too,” I add, just in case she’s wondering if the feeling is mutual. Under thick lashes, I peek up at my mom to find her smiling. “It’s sort of scary because it’s not like I forgot that he left me, Mama. And I do believe him when he says he’ll never leave me again. But what if this time he doesn’t have a choice?”
Sayings these things out loud, telling someone else all of the feelings that I have for Devin, is freeing in a way I never expected. It’s almost as if, after he left all those years ago, I balled up everything inside, tucked it all away and never talked about it again. “Do I sound crazy?”
“Not crazy,” she whispers.
“I never felt for Wyatt what I feel for Devin, and it’s terrifying because I haven’t even seen him in ten years.”
“Love doesn’t have an expiration date, Katie. There is no cookie cutter for it, and there sure as hell aren’t instructions. It just is. Who says you can’t fall in love with someone who’s already broken your heart? Who says you can’t move on and then fall in love all over again from thousands of miles away via letters and emails? That’s the great thing about love … it finds you. And when it’s true love, it doesn’t go away, and you just know. You don’t have to wonder or guess, because it just … is.”
“That’s exactly how I feel.” A sense of peace blankets me, a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. “How did you get so smart?”
Mama laughs. “It’s a mother thing. You’ll understand one of these days.”
“I love you. You know that, right? I know I was a pain after Daddy … after Daddy died, and I know I said some things and did some things—”