A Lover's Lament

“I’ll be here.”

“I figured you would be. Just remember that when we switch shifts you may have to step out.” She pats my arm and I nod as I turn away. Little does she know that I’m not going anywhere, but there’s no sense in starting an argument because right now I have something much more important to tend to. Gripping the knob, I crack open the door and the cacophony of sounds float through the air. How many machines is he hooked up to? Is he swollen and bruised? Will I recognize him? “Are you okay, Katie?” Jennifer asks.

Pinching my lips together, I nod jerkily and step into the room.

The sight in front of me stops me dead in my tracks. Lifting a trembling hand to my mouth, I suck in a sharp breath.

Oh my God.

A stabbing pain rips through my chest. “Devin,” I breathe, rushing toward him. “Oh, God.” Tears race hot down my face and I scoop his cold hand up in mine, kissing it several times before cradling it against my chest. He’s always seemed larger than life, but today, tucked beneath the crisp white sheet, Devin looks so incredibly fragile. I’m reminded in the worst possible way that my hero … my soldier … is human. Squeezing my eyes shut, I send up a silent prayer.

Please, God, please let him pull through this.

Swallowing hard, I peel my eyes open and look at Devin. My Devin. Clear plastic tubing disappears between his lips, undoubtedly leading to his trachea, and my eyes drift toward the ventilator sitting next to his bed.

He’s not breathing on his own.

Thick, white gauze is wrapped around his head. Gashes and bruises mar his gorgeous face. An IV is attached to his right hand that leads to three different bags of clear fluid hanging from an IV pole at the head of his bed. He has a blood pressure cuff secured around his left arm and electrodes are visible under the neck of his gown. My eyes drift to the heart monitor. A steady beep resonates throughout the room, infusing me with hope.

His heart is still beating.

My gaze sweeps over the room, and I spot a small canvas bag tucked against the wall in the corner as though it was tossed aside and forgotten about. Without thinking, I gently rest Devin’s hand on the bed and walk across the small space. Dropping to my knees, I pick up the bag and reach inside, pulling out a dark green t-shirt—at least that’s what I think it is. The fabric is tattered and … is that blood? A shudder racks my body and I set it aside.

Glancing in the bag, a glimmer of metal catches my attention and I pull the object out. A strangled moan rips from my chest at the sight of Devin’s dog tags. Gripping the chain in my hand, I reach inside one last time and pull out a picture. I choke out a watery laugh, running my thumb over the dirty photograph. Taken the last time I saw him, it’s one of my favorites.

We were in the hotel ro

om, and it was Devin’s last night in Pittsburgh after his mother’s funeral. Devin’s gorgeous green eyes are trained on the camera. His face is split into a huge grin while I’m kissing his cheek. My chin trembles as I remember the moment. That day—that entire weekend—was pivotal for us in so many ways. Wow. Was it really only a little over a month ago? I feel like so much has happened since then.

Pushing from the floor, I shrug out of my wet jacket and hang it on the back of the door. Carefully, I place the photograph in my coat pocket, slip Devin’s dog tags over my head and make my way toward him.

“I feel so lost,” I mumble, running my fingers over the top of his hand, wanting nothing more than for him to grab my hand, pull me in close and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I want him to tell me that this is just a tiny bump in the road that leads to our forever.

We were so close—so close—to the end of his deployment and starting our lives together. What if I never again get to feel his hand wrap around my neck to drag me in for a kiss or feel the warmth of his lips against mine? What if I never get to hear him laugh again or look into his eyes as I walk down the aisle? What if I never get the chance to tell him that he’s going to be a daddy?

The urge to touch him, to be close to him, to feel the warmth of his body against mine is overwhelming. My limbs grow heavy and, like a punch to the gut, everything hits me all at once. There are so many things we’ve yet to experience together, so many things left to say and do, and the thought of never getting the chance makes me feel as though someone is taking a machete to the center of my soul.

Lifting Devin’s arm, I gently sit on the bed next to his hip and very carefully, without disturbing any of the tubes or wires, curl my body against his. Resting my head softly on his chest, I let the steady thump of his heart soothe my aching soul. I use it as a reminder that he’s still here, he’s still fighting and I need to fight with him—for him.

“Hey there, soldier.” My voice cracks and a stream of tears run out of the corner of my eye, over my nose and fall from my face, only to be absorbed by the soft cotton of Devin’s hospital gown. “I’m going to need you to fight, okay? I need you to pull through this, because I can’t live this life without you.” I sniff, nuzzling my face into him. “You know what happened to me last time. I can’t go through that again. I won’t survive this time, Devin, not without you. You are everything to me. You’re the reason I wake up every morning. Just knowing that I’m going to get to talk to you or read your words gets me through the day. You own me, Dev. My heart is yours, and I gave you my soul a long time ago.”

Lifting up on my elbow, I stretch my neck, peppering kisses across his jaw. “I love you so much. I need you more than I’ve ever needed anyone. Please wake up, baby,” I cry. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise. As long as you’re here, I’m here. As long as you’re fighting, I’m fighting. I’ll fight with you and for you. I’ll be your rock, and I’ll love you and talk to you and bring you back from the darkness, just like you brought me back.” Tilting my head a bit further, I touch my lips to his, hating how dry they feel—how cold they feel.

“I want to marry you,” I whisper against his mouth. “Marry me, Devin. Wake up, heal, and then marry me. Let me love you and take care of you and show you what a real family is like. And let’s have babies, okay?” My voice breaks on a sob and I pull back, wiping the wetness from my face. “Lots and lots of babies. I want sweet little boys with your big green eyes and thick dark lashes. Our little girl will have your dark hair and your smile.” I close my eyes, picturing it in my head. I don’t know why, but I have a feeling it’s a girl. “And your laugh,” I whisper, the thought causing a hint of a smile to tug at my mouth. “She’ll have your laugh. And she’s going to love you and worship you, and I know that you’re going to be the best daddy in the world.”

“Katie.”

The deep, gravelly voice startles me and my eyes pop open, instantly landing on the figure standing in the doorway. I blow out a slow breath at the sight of him.

Full lips drawn tight, red-rimmed eyes filling with tears, his face is packed full of emotion. I know that, right now, he needs me just as much as I need him.

“Navas.” Sliding off the bed, I move toward him. He meets me halfway and I walk straight into his waiting arms. “Hi,” I whisper, burying my face in his shirt. He doesn’t respond, but his hold on me tightens. His broad shoulders bounce when a cry rumbles from deep in his lungs. Linking my arms around his neck, I give him what he needs … someone to hold on to, someone to give him hope. We stand there for a long time, but I don’t let go, not until he pulls away.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, taking a step back. “That probably wasn’t the best way to introduce myself.”

“Well, you’ve seen me naked …” I shrug and give him a what-can-you-do look. A choked laugh falls from Navas’s mouth and then he shakes his head, running a hand down his face.

“Devin about fucking killed me for that. Sorry, by the way,” he says, averting his eyes. A crimson flush creeps up his neck, and I get a feeling that there isn’t much that’ll make this man blush.