A Lover's Lament

“You’re forgiven.” Slipping my hand in his, I lead him toward the bed. “Now, will you please fill me in on what’s going on? The doctor won’t be in until the morning and I’m so fucking lost.” My nose burns with impending tears and I squeeze my eyes shut, listening as Navas starts to talk. I’m not sure if I take it all in, but I certainly hear the important parts.

“There was an explosion … damage to his legs … brain injury … needs a bilateral below-the-knee amputation …” I don’t hear a thing after that.

Reaching out, I yank up the blanket that’s covering Devin. His legs are wrapped up, but they’re there. Oh, thank God, I think to myself. I must’ve heard him wrong. “What was that about an amputation?” I ask, trying to clear the cobwebs. I’m still running on pure adrenaline and probably seconds away from dropping flat on my face.

“He’s going in tomorrow morning for surgery. They can’t save his legs, Katie. Trust me, they’ve tried. But right now, Devin’s only chance of survival is to have them removed.” Navas’s words are slow and precise, as though he knows I’m on the verge of losing it.

“I can’t believe this,” I say, dropping to a chair next to the bed. I look down at where Devin’s legs are tucked under the covers, and then my eyes lift to Navas.

“He’ll get through it,” he says, conviction ringing loud in his words. “Devin is a stubborn son of a bitch, and he loves you more than life itself. Trust me, he will be okay. And we’ll get each other through this so that we can strong for him, okay?” I nod feebly and Navas grips my hand in his. We watch Devin for several minutes, neither one of saying a word and one thing weighing heavily on my mind … one thing I’m desperate to tell someone.

“I’m pregnant!” I blurt.

Navas’s eyes widen, his jaw falling slack and his gaze dropping to my stomach. “You’re … pregnant?” he asks, looking at me.

My heart is lodged in the center of my throat and I can’t seem to form words, so I simply nod. The thought of not getting to share this with Devin is too much and my emotions erupt. “I need him, Navas. I can’t do this by myself … I don’t want to do this by myself.”

“Stop,” he says, cupping my face in his hand. “You need to tell Devin. The first chance you get, you need to tell him. This will give him something to fight for, something to hold on to. But you can’t talk like that again. It isn’t good for you, and it isn’t good for the baby.”

I nod again, wiping the tears from my face.

“But I want you to know that you will never do this alone. Got it? Because no matter what happens, you have me, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Thank you,” I whisper, choking on my words.

“Don’t thank me,” he says, his eyes softening. “He’s my brother, and that’s what brothers do.”

“Awake and Alive”—Skillet

THE FAINT SOUND OF CRYING penetrates my head. There are muffled voices around me—a man and woman—but I can’t tell what they’re saying. I want to ask, but my mouth is dry. Too dry. I fight to open my eyes, but the damn things won’t budge. Neither will my arms … or my legs.

Then another voice, this one not familiar, breaks through the air. Where am I? I try to scream. Nothing. Why can’t I move? Why do my legs burn?

“He’s moving!” The voice is low—muffled—but I can still make it out. It’s Navas, and for a moment I wonder if I’m dreaming. I try to reach out to him, but again, nothing happens.

“Devin … Devin … Come back to us, baby.” Katie? Katie is here? This doesn’t feel like a dream. It’s so very real. I try and reach out to her. Nothing. “Devin, please wake up,” she cries.

A warm hand softly strokes my cheek. I’d know that touch anywhere. The sensations are dull, but I know it’s her. I can smell her perfume. This isn’t a dream. It’s real. It has to be. But where am I?

“Devin, stop being a little bitch and open your eyes. Your girl misses you, dude. Why do you always have to be playin’ games?” Navas heckles. A fist lightly hits my shoulder. Son of a bitch that hurt!

One last time I will my eyes to open, using every ounce of strength I can muster. Light breaches the miniscule crack between my eyelids, and it’s so bright it feels like I’m staring into the sun. Instinctually, I lift an arm to shield my eyes and feel the back of my hand smack hard against my forehead. Fuck, I feel that, too.

There’s commotion in the room. Navas and Katie are encouraging me, asking me to move again, to open my eyes. I try and move my arm and again feel it slap down hard, this time to my side. I give it one last go and my eyelids fly open, the sharp, fluorescent rays now completely blinding me.

I snap them shut and then the light behind my lids dims. I sense that the fluorescent lights were switched off, allowing me to ease my eyes open again. This time I notice that the lamp has been turned on. “Is that better, brother?” Navas asks.

I nod my head stiffly toward Navas and Katie’s distorted figures, the blur brought on by the change of brightness. Katie moves in close to me, close enough that I can make out her beautiful face, and she takes me gently into her arms, kissing every inch of my face. Each stamp of her lips leaves of tingling sensation that makes me feel like I’m glowing.

“Oh God, baby, I’m so happy you’re back. I knew my soldier would pull through. I just knew it!” When she backs away, I can finally make her out completely. It looks like she hasn’t slept in days and has spent the better part of that time crying, but she is still so incred

ibly beautiful. The sight of her causes my heart monitor to speed up. I try to smile for her, but the muscles in my face feel weak. I open and close my jaw several times to stretch it out.

“Welcome back, bro.” Navas smiles widely and takes my hand in his. I meet his eyes and squeeze his hand back. I want to say, Dude, why the fuck are you holding my hand, but all I manage to get out is “thanks” before I break into a coughing fit.

“Don’t talk,” Katie says, disappearing from my sight. “They just took out your breathing tube, and they said your mouth would be dry and your throat sore. Let me grab you some ice chips.” The faint sound of rustling catches my attention, but when I try to turn my head toward the noise, pain lances through my temples. Fuck.

Her face pops in front of mine. “Open up.” I do as I’m told because Nurse Katie is fucking hot as hell. My lips part and she drops in a couple of chips, which instantly dissolve. She gives me a few more, and after I swallow a couple of times, I feel like I can actually talk.