Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

I laughed and grabbed the remote away from him. “Seriously, Logan. What are you doing here? You never drop by without calling first. Not that I mind. But what’s up?”

Logan quirked his mouth and shrugged. “I was just going a little stir crazy at work and decided to leave early. I found myself driving to your apartment instead of mine because I wanted to see you. Isn’t that enough?”

I flushed at his words, but I tried to hide my reaction. “Sure, it’s enough,” I said casually. “I’m glad you stopped by.”

Logan smiled, and for some reason, my heart thudded queerly against my chest at the sight. I was saved by the buzzer of the front door, and I jumped up to answer it. Logan made a movement to reach for his wallet, but I gave him a scathing look. He put his hands up and shrugged. “Sorry. It’s a habit.”

I quickly padded to the front door as he called out after me, “Remember to check to make sure it’s the delivery guy first.”

I obliged, since he had made a good point about blindly unlocking the door and letting whomever into my building.

After I paid for the food, I grabbed a couple of plates and sodas from the kitchen, and plunked everything down on the coffee table. Despite my earlier protestations, the portions from my local Chinese joint were obscenely large, and there was plenty for two people. We both dug into the food as the evening news blared in the background.

“Are you seeing Ella this week?” I asked the question casually, although I already knew he was seeing her tomorrow since I had overheard him making plans with her this past weekend.

“Yeah, we’re going out tomorrow.”

“Are you going to break up with her?” I tried to keep my tone neutral, because I didn’t want him to think that the answer mattered to me.

Logan shrugged. “I’m not sure. I’ll see how it goes. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I need to give her an actual chance instead of just blowing her off because she wants more.”

Great. I wanted to kick myself for ever having lectured him about his lack of commitment when it came to relationships. I stopped my thoughts in their tracks as soon as I realized where they were headed. I should be happy that Logan was giving someone an actual chance. Sure, I didn’t really think Ella was good enough for him, but all that mattered was that he seemed to like her. He must, if he was considering deepening their relationship. I told myself I was happy for him and forced myself to say the sentiment out loud.

“I think that’s a good idea. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to end up marrying her and having 2.5 kids, but it’ll be good for you to see what it’s like to be in a stable relationship. Maybe once you realize that committing to someone doesn’t necessarily mean a life sentence, you’ll be more willing to give other women a chance when the time comes.”

“I think you’ve been watching too much Dr. Phil,” Logan said with a grimace. “Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me to read a book about the different love languages. Kayleigh kept trying to foist that book on me, telling me that it would enlighten me. Fortunately, I’m as enlightened as I want to get.”

I laughed at his disgruntled expression. It was a relief to feel at ease with him again, and to be able to relax and enjoy his company. We spent the next few hours watching cheesy primetime sitcoms that were dominated by laugh tracks, but it was enjoyable because we were watching them together. I even found myself laughing at the dumb jokes because I was in such a good mood, although Logan’s acerbic comments at the lowbrow humor were even funnier.

“I should head home,” he finally said as he checked his watch. “I have a few files to go through before I go to bed.”

“Don’t stay up all night,” I said with a frown. Now I felt bad that he had left work early, but I couldn’t deny the small thrill that went through me because he had apparently wanted to see me enough to put his work on the backburner. I pushed the feeling away since it had no place in a strictly platonic friendship.

“What time do you want to leave on Saturday?” he asked as I walked him to the front door. My stomach dipped at the mention of going to Laurenston.

“Let’s leave at eleven, since Mrs. Brooks wants us there by one.”

Logan nodded, but he didn’t seem too enthused by the prospect of our trip, either. “Thanks for sharing your Kung Pao Chicken with me. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Sure,” I said, reaching to give him a hug. We often hugged each other hello and goodbye, like most friends do, and I had never given it much thought, but my awareness of him as a man reared its head again, and I felt myself react completely differently to this hug. His st

rong arms enveloped me, and I felt lost in the warmth of his firm, muscled body and the scent of his faintly discernible cologne. His head briefly rested on top of mine, and I resisted the urge to close my eyes and sink deeper into him. I felt an odd mixture of comfort and growing desire, and the unwelcome latter emotion made me quickly break the embrace.

“Talk to you later,” I said, pasting a smile on my face and praying he hadn’t noticed that anything was amiss. His expression was completely normal. He obviously had felt nothing beyond friendship in our embrace.

“Later,” he said with a quick smile, and then he was gone.

I closed the door and leaned against it, taking a deep breath to steady my nerves. I was being ridiculous. I was the one reading way too much into our relationship and if I wasn’t careful, I would ruin one of the best friendships I had ever had. I swore to myself that I would keep my head on straight and not let errant emotions get in the way.

Chapter Six

The rest of the workweek went by without incident. I met Emily for lunch on Wednesday, and I reassured her that everything was fine between Logan and I, and that my relationship with Adam was back on track. Adam came over on Thursday, and I made him dinner and then we spent a comfortable night in. I went over to his apartment on Friday, and he reciprocated in kind, although his version of dinner was heating up two vegan frozen meals.

I decided to not stay over at Adam’s place on Friday night. I was already feeling antsy about going to Laurenston the next day, and I preferred to sleep in the comfort of my own bed.

Saturday turned out to be a beautiful day, unusually warm and sunny for April, and I dressed for the warm weather in a gray-striped, casual maxi dress and sandals. I paired it with a denim jacket in case it got a little chilly later, and anxiously waited in the living room for Logan to pick me up. I dreaded seeing Mrs. Brooks today, but felt that it was my duty. For a large part of my life, Mrs. Brooks had been like a mother to me and had taken me under her wing. She had been the one to take me to buy my first bra and explained that I wasn’t bleeding to death when I got my period at an early age. She had always been a happy and cheerful woman—a social butterfly who made friends easily and doted on her daughter. Cassie’s death had changed all that. She was a shell of the woman she had once been, refusing to accept her daughter’s death. In rare times of lucidity, she acknowledged the fact that Cassie was no longer alive, but I couldn’t remember the last time that had happened. Most of her waking hours were spent waiting for Cassie to come back home.

Mr. Brooks was a patient and kind man, but I didn’t know if he was helping matters by playing along with her fantasies. He was loathe to shatter her happiness, regardless of it being based on an illusion, and kept up the farce that Cassie would come through the front door at any moment. I had attempted to speak to him once in the past about seeking mental help for Mrs. Brooks. He had gently but firmly shut that idea down. I had never brought it up again since it wasn’t any of my business, but as the years passed, it was getting harder and harder to visit them because I didn’t know how long I could participate in this lie. I wished I could celebrate the life Cassie had lived and spend her birthday remembering the amazing person she had been, instead of taking part in a pretense that honored no one.