Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

This wasn’t the first year Logan had come with me since we had reconnected. He had accompanied me last year as well, even though we hadn’t been that close then. I think he had come because he wanted to pay his respects to Cassie’s parents, but he had been shocked by Mrs. Brooks’ condition. I had warned him about it, but nothing can really prepare you for having to pretend that someone dead is still alive. I had pleaded with him to play along because anything that dispelled the notion that Cassie was still alive made Mrs. Brooks go off the deep end. Logan had been reluctant, but in the end he had played his part in the morbid charade.

The buzzer sounded, indicating Logan’s arrival, and I pushed the depressing thoughts from my mind. I pressed the button of the intercom and told him I would be right down. I grabbed my purse and the bouquet of white lilies that I had purchased earlier, and hurried down the stairs. Logan was standing outside by the front door, and I gave him a quick hug. I was too anxious to think about the feelings that had bubbled to the surface when I had hugged him the other night. Today’s hug felt strictly platonic, and I was relieved by that realization.

We got into his Range Rover that was double-parked and I started fiddling with the radio until I settled on an alternative station. I rolled down my window, wishing that we were going on a fun day trip instead of to Laurenston. Logan glanced at me before turning his attention back to the road.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Okay,” I replied, not wanting to dwell on my anxiety. There would be enough time for that later at the Brooks’ house. “Thanks for coming with me today.”

“Of course,” he replied. We were silent for a few moments as he navigated the busy streets of Chicago.

“How was your date with Ella on Tuesday?” I asked, breaking the silence. “Did you swear your everlasting love to her and ask her to be yours and yours only?” My tone was light and joking, but I was aware of how tense I was as I waited for his answer. We had communicated much less than usual this past week, and I hadn’t had a chance to broach the subject yet.

Logan gave me a sardonic smile. “Considering I broke up with her, that would be a no.”

“What happened?” I tried to sound suitably concerned, but I couldn’t deny the relief I felt. I told myself it was because I knew Ella wasn’t a good match for him, and Logan committing to the wrong woman would only reinforce his fear of commitment.

Logan shrugged noncommittally. “I was ready to give our relationship a real chance, but when I told her that I wanted to discuss being mutually exclusive, she took off running with it at a pace I wasn’t ready for.”

“Like how?” I asked, practically drooling for the salacious details.

“She was already discussing me going with her to her cousin’s wedding this summer and wanted to know when I could meet her parents. That’s a little too fast for me.”

“I guess I can understand where she’s coming from,” I said begrudgingly. “I mean, I would have been offended if Adam had refused to go to a wedding with me once we decided to be monogamous, even if it had been in the early stages of our relationship. I can see how it would be scary to meet her parents, though.”

“It wasn’t only that.” Logan cleared his throat and glanced at me before continuing. “She also insisted that my friendship with you was inappropriate, and wanted me to cut ties with you.”

“Oh.” I was taken aback by this revelation, and as much as I wanted to rail against Ella and her unreasonable demand, I could see her point of view, especially with the confusing feelings that had been bubbling to the surface recently. I wasn’t sure I would be so comfortable with Adam having such a close female friend whom he confided in and spent so much time with. I was just lucky that Adam was so self-assured and confident in our relationship that he had no concerns with Logan and I being such good friends.

“As much I hate to admit it, I don’t blame her,” I said with a frown. I turned to Logan and hesitated before speaking again. “Do you think our friendship crosses any boundaries?”

I hadn’t planned on actually articulating my concerns out loud, but maybe if we just discussed whatever was between us, it would dispel any lingering awkwardness and clear the air.

Logan kept his eyes on the road, not looking at me. “What do you mean?”

“What I mean is, I can totally understand Ella being uncomfortable with our friendship. We spend a lot of time together, and we’re always calling and texting each other. We’re basically a couple without the sex.”

I wanted to take back that last statement as soon as I said it. My whole body was suffused in a flush, and I cursed myself for not censoring my words. As close as Logan and I were, one topic we never discussed was sex, whether it was his sex life or mine. Sure, we joked about it obliquely sometimes, but never in a serious manner and nothing beyond an offhand quip or comment.

Logan didn’t answer right away, and when he did, he spoke carefully. “What do you think? Do you think we’re crossing any boundaries? And if we are, what do you think that means?”

“Of course we’re not crossing any boundaries,” I said quickly, rushing to clear up any misunderstanding so that he wouldn’t think I was saying there was anything more between us than friendship. The last thing I wanted was Logan’s pity and embarrassment for having to set me straight. “We’re just friends. There’s nothing more between us than there is between me and Emily. I just meant that other people might think we’re crossing boundaries and believe there’s more to us besides friendship, which of course we know isn’t true. But I guess our relationship can be misconstrued by others.”

I realized I was babbling, trying to cover my awkwardness over the subject with a barrage of words. When I was done, there was a heavy silence in the car and Logan’s posture had seemed to stiffen. There was a long pause before he spoke.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

I had expected more than a one-sentence response but his tone was casual and his seemingly stiff posture was now relaxed.

“So you agree that we’re not crossing any boundaries?” I asked in a neutral tone.

“Of course.” Logan turned to me with a smile. “We’re friends. If other people misconstrue our friendship, that’s their problem. We know everything between us is strictly platonic.”

“You’re right,” I said, but my stomach dropped at his agreement. I fiddled with the knob to change radio stations so that I had something to do. By the time I stopped on a song I liked, I was feeling less unsettled. I told myself I was happy we had agreed our relationship was just platonic, and that we wouldn’t worry about what other people thought. I was also happy that Logan apparently thought enough about our friendship that he wasn’t willing to end it just because a potential girlfriend frowned upon it, although I told myself it had probably more to do with him being scared shitless about meeting Ella’s parents.

Our banter remained light for the rest of the drive, but the coil of tension in my stomach tightened as we got closer to the Brooks’ home. When we finally arrived, Logan parked in front of the house and turned off the ignition.

“Ready?” he asked as he turned to me. I didn’t miss the concern on his face, and as much as I wanted to smile brightly and reassure him that I was fine, the most I could mus