Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

“Oh my God. That’s horrible. I’m so sorry, Madison.”

“But don’t you see,” I said, my voice barely audible. “She planned it that way. She did it so I would be the one to find her. She locked the door to make sure no one could come in besides me.” My voice was growing louder as I spoke, and I heard the tinge of hysteria rising. “She must have found out about me and Logan. The betrayal must have been too much for her to take. She took her own life, and made sure I was the one to find her to punish me.”

Emily frowned. “How can you be so sure about that? Did she leave behind a letter?”

I shook my head. “No, nothing. But why else would she have planned it that way? Why else would she have taken her own life?”

“I don’t know,” Emily said helplessly. “I didn’t know Cassie, so I can’t really say. I just can’t imagine someone committing suicide because her boyfriend cheated on her. I mean, even if it was with her best friend. I just… I don’t know…”

She trailed off, obviously not knowing what to say. Or maybe she knew there was nothing to say because it was pretty obvious what Cassie’s intentions had been.

“What happened afterwards?” Emily finally asked gently.

“I was a complete mess. I mean, how can anyone come to terms with the fact that you’re responsible for someone’s death? And not just anyone, but someone you love.” Emily opened her mouth, conceivably to object to my assertion, but I continued talking before she could interrupt. “There was only about a month left before the end of the semester, and I left school the day after it happened. I transferred to a local college near my hometown for my senior year. There was no way I could go back to the University of Michigan.”

“What about you and Logan?” Emily asked.

I looked at her, surprised by her question. “There was no me and Logan. After I left, he tried to get in contact with me multiple times but I ignored him.” I grimaced as I thought about his repeated attempts to talk to me. “He even came to my college one day because I refused to answer his calls. I couldn’t believe he thought that I would ever let anything happen between us after Cassie’s death. He seemed convinced that Cassie didn’t know about us, and that she killed herself for other reasons. But she had no other reasons. She had the perfect life. I told him that I never wanted to see him again, and if he continued to try to contact me, I would end up hating him as much as I hated myself.” I experienced a physical ache when I remembered his expression when I had bitterly spat those words at him. Hurt wasn’t strong enough of an adjective to describe it. Yet back then his expression of pain had enraged me even more. We were still alive to feel pain and regret, but Cassie could no longer feel anything.

“So he left me alone, and we went on with our lives. Three years ago, he contacted me to tell me he had moved to Chicago. I guess he heard through the grapevine that I was living here. Five years had passed since Cassie’s death, and I had worked through a lot of my issues. I realized that I had displaced a lot of the anger I felt towards myself onto him, and it wasn’t fair. He was pretty persistent about keeping in contact with me once he was in Chicago, so I told myself we would be acquaintances and nothing more. But you’ve seen how close we’ve gotten this past year.”

I took a deep breath, and then told Emily everything that had happened when we had gone to the Brooks’ home for Cassie’s birthday. Her eyes widened in disbelief when I told her about how Mrs. Brooks still lived in a fantasy world when it came to Cassie’s death. Emily practically fell off the couch when I told her about what had happened between Logan and me last night.

“You can’t just leave it like that,” she insisted. “You can’t just cut Logan out of your life. You still have feelings for him, and things are never going to be resolved if you just deny them.”

I lo

oked at her incredulously. Hadn’t I just told her why Logan and I could never be together? “My feelings for Logan don’t matter. Don’t you see how even entertaining the thought of a romantic relationship with him is another betrayal to Cassie? I owe it to her to not get involved with him. Logan is still hers.”

Emily shook her head. “I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to not only have Cassie commit suicide but be the one to find her. But she’s not here anymore. And from everything you’ve ever told me about her, she loved you. She wanted you to be happy. Whatever her reason was for her killing herself, I can’t believe it was to punish you.” She shrugged helplessly. “Just because you’re close to someone doesn’t mean you know everything about them.”

I couldn’t accept her last statement. Cassie hadn’t just been a close friend. For ten years, we had shared our lives. At times, she knew me better than I knew myself, and I had thought the reverse was true. Besides, even though she was gone, it was still difficult to not think of Logan as belonging to her.

“All I know is that I can’t think about Logan anymore,” I said tiredly. “It just makes me depressed.”

Emily hesitated before responding. “Okay, no more talk about Logan. But it’s not healthy to be carrying the burden of Cassie’s death on your shoulders. It’s not your fault.”

I appreciated Emily’s concern for me, that she wasn’t condemning me as a horrible human being, but I knew it was just because she cared about me, not because she actually believed my actions were forgivable.

“I know it’s not healthy,” I said with a sigh. There was no point in arguing with Emily about blaming myself. “I’m sorry I never told you the truth before.”

“It’s okay. It’s not exactly something that’s easy to tell.” She frowned. “I guess this makes Adam’s proposal even more confusing.”

I tried to push all my conflicting emotions about Cassie and Logan aside as I considered Emily’s statement. It was actually a relief to think about something besides the mess with Logan, even if it was something as complicated as Adam’s proposal.

“The more I think about it, the more I realize that marrying Adam would be a huge mistake,” I admitted. “I think the only reason I was actually considering it was because it would be an easy escape. My relationship with Adam is comfortable and doesn’t challenge me in the least. But I don’t want a marriage that lacks passion. Companionship isn’t enough. This past year, I think I’ve realized that it’s time to end our relationship, but I’ve been dragging my feet about it. His proposal forces me to face the fact that we’re not meant for each other.”

“Thank God!” Emily exclaimed, and then winced apologetically. “I’m sorry if that sounds a little insensitive, but I was afraid you were going to end up saying yes to Adam just because he asked. It’s not like I think he’s a horrible guy or anything; it’s just that I don’t think he’s the right person for you.”

“I’m just dreading having to tell him. I told him I would have an answer for him by this weekend.”

Emily spent the next hour brainstorming the best way to tell Adam I was rejecting his proposal with the least amount of confrontation. She had some creative ideas, most of them a little out there, but the only right way to tell him was face to face.

After Emily left, I decided to be a coward for a little bit longer and texted Adam to see if he could come over tomorrow so we could discuss his proposal. The adult thing to do would be to see him today and get it over with, but I was still raw from my encounter with Logan last night. Telling Emily about the past had just brought everything to the forefront of my mind, and I needed some time to heal.

I was relieved when Adam agreed to come over tomorrow, and I spent the rest of the morning finishing the bottle of wine Emily had brought over. I tried to keep thoughts of Logan at bay, but failed miserably, so I opened another bottle of wine when I was finished with Emily’s and proceeded to drink it by myself. I wasted the day away with alcohol and reliving my past transgressions. By the time I fell into bed, I was able to drift off into a deep sleep where pain and regret didn’t exist.

Chapter Eleven