Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

I woke up with the mother of all hangovers Sunday morning, but the throbbing of my head wasn’t enough to distract me from the anxiety of what I had to do today. I was on pins and needles all morning since Adam wouldn’t be over until the afternoon. Emily sent me a few encouraging texts, but they did nothing to alleviate my stress. I was grateful that at least I was able to focus on something besides my fractured relationship with Logan.

My heart lurched when Adam finally arrived. He looked happy and well rested when I opened the door—the exact opposite of how I felt.

“Hey, babe,” he said, dropping a quick kiss on my mouth as he strode inside. He didn’t seem like a man who was doubtful about the answer he was going to get to his proposal, which was just going to make this much harder. “It’s a gorgeous day today. We should go hang out at the park.”

“Sure, maybe,” I hedged. By the time this conversation was over, I doubted Adam would want to go anywhere with me. I sat down on the couch in the living room and waited for Adam to join me. When he did, I took a deep breath and decided to just go for the plunge. Prolonging the inevitable would just make things harder.

“I want you to know how much it means to me that you asked me to marry you,” I started. Adam was watching me expectantly, and I had to force myself to continue. “These past three years we’ve been together have been great, and I think you’re an amazing person, but I’ve come to realize that we’re not right for each other.”

Adam’s mouth went slack and I spoke more quickly, not wanting to lose my nerve.

“I think we’ve just become comfortable in our relationship because it’s easy. We get along, there’s no drama and we genuinely like each other. The problem is… that describes a friendship, not a marriage. I want you to know how much I care about you and that I don’t regret our relationship, but I think it’s time to end things. So I can’t accept your proposal.”

Adam seemed stunned and his mouth worked convulsively as he tried to figure out what to say. When he finally did speak, his voice was higher-pitched than normal.

“Madison, you’re making a huge mistake. You’ve gotten some notion in your head that relationships are supposed to always be exciting with fireworks going off when you kiss. That’s only in the beginning. After that comes comfort and familiarity. We have that.”

I didn’t point out that there had never been excitement or fireworks in our relationship, even in the beginning, but I didn’t refute that his logic made some sense. I just knew to the core of my being that we weren’t right for each other.

“I’m sorry, Adam. I agree that you can’t expect a relationship to always be like it was in the beginning, but while comfort and familiarity are important, there has to be more than that.” I paused while I mustered up the courage to say the next words. “I like you, Adam, but I’m not in love with you.”

Adam’s hands clenched into fists, and I saw a flare of rage flit across his face. It was surprising; I had never seen him truly angry in the past three years. Sure, we had our disagreements, and he would get upset, but never angry. I didn’t blame him for reacting that way today, but his expression of anger disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.

“Does this have anything to do with Logan?”

I blinked at him in surprise. Adam had always seemed at ease with my friendship with Logan, and this was the first time he had ever expressed any reservations about it.

“No, this has nothing to do with Logan,” I said emphatically. The next words were lies, but I didn’t want Adam to believe Logan had anything to do with our breaking up, because he truly didn’t. “Logan and I are just friends, nothing more. I’m sorry, but I just don’t think we have a future together.”

I waited with bated breath for Adam’s reply. I didn’t know what to expect, but I would have preferred yelling over the sadness I saw on his face.

“But I love you. Doesn’t that count for anything?” he asked forlornly.

I bit my lip, wracked with guilt but wishing he would just accept my answer and leave. “Of course it does. And it’s not as if I never felt the same way, but we just grew apart.”

“Is there anything I can say to change your mind?” he pleaded. “Can’t you just think it over some more?”

“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to change my mind,” I said gently but firmly. I didn’t know what else to say, so I just apologized again. “I’m sorry.”

Adam nodded and stood up abruptly. “I guess there’s no reason for me to stay. I’m not going to make a fool of myself by begging.”

I followed helplessly as he walked towards the door and flung it open. He turned his head to give me one last look, and I was surprised by the venom on his face.

“I hope you regret this decision for the rest of your life.”

He slammed the door behind him. I was relieved to see him go, and told myself he was justifiably angry about my rejection. In reality, it had gone a lot better than I had imagined since he had accepted my answer without much of a fight.

The problem was, now that my relationship with Adam was officially over, I had nothing to focus on except Logan. I spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening obsessing about him. I knew I should just let things lie, that I shouldn’t contact him because everything was too fresh and raw. I wasn’t sure if our friendship could ever be repaired, but if it was at all possible, we both needed time. Yet, I couldn’t deny the irresistible pull to my phone, and despite knowing better, I found myself pushing the button to dial his number.

My heart was in my throat as I listened to the phone ring, and I wondered if he would just ignore my call. The thought of that hurt more than I wanted to admit, and just when I was about to disconnect the c

all, he picked up.

“Hello.” His voice was brusque, and I had to resist the urge to hang up, because it would only make me look foolish.

“Hi, Logan,” I said cautiously. I was on edge and didn’t know how to approach him. I wasn’t even sure why I was calling him. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

“Go ahead.”