Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

His curt tone didn’t help bolster my confidence and I cursed myself for having called him. “I just… I wanted to apologize for some of the things I said the other day. I think we both said things that we regret. I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate what a good friend you’ve been to me.”

“I don’t regret anything I said. It was the truth.”

I had expected Logan to be appreciative that I was the one reaching out to him, but by his tone I had a feeling he now considered me a nuisance more than anything else. Maybe he was over it all and wanted nothing more to do with me.

“Okay, well… I guess I just wanted you to know that I didn’t mean a lot of the stuff I said. I was just angry and confused.” I was met with silence and I decided that I needed to end this call before I embarrassed myself even further. “That’s all I really wanted to say. I’ll let you go. Bye.”

I lowered the phone from my ear and was about to disconnect the call when I was stopped by the sound of Logan’s voice.

“Wait.”

I raised the phone again to my ear and was silent, waiting for him to speak. He sighed heavily, and I could just picture him raking his hand through his hair in frustration.

“I don’t want things to end like this with us,” he said finally. “I meant everything I said yesterday, but I’ll admit that maybe my delivery wasn’t the best.”

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know how to respond.

“Are you home right now?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“I’m coming over. Don’t go anywhere.”

He disconnected the call before I could say anything. I wasn’t sure if I would have protested if I had been given the chance, but I couldn’t deny the flicker of anticipation knowing that I was going to see him. Last night, I had been so sure that I would never lay eyes on him again, and it made me even more desperate to see him today. A part of me realized that, not only was I being a masochist, I was probably being unfair to Logan by sending out mixed signals. I was so determined for things to stay platonic between us, yet I couldn’t deny my attraction to him and the urge to spend time with him, even if it was painful.

I was a bundle of nerves while I waited for him. When he finally arrived, and I opened the door, I had to resist the urge to fling myself in his arms. I had to remind myself to keep things strictly platonic.

“Hi.” I felt awkward and didn’t know what else to say, so I just stepped back to let him in. He didn’t speak as he walked past me into the living room. As I followed him, I couldn’t help noticing how his well-worn jeans and t-shirt molded against his lean, muscular body. I gave myself a mental shake. I needed to get my thoughts out of the gutter and figure out how to salvage our friendship.

He turned abruptly before we reached the couch and I skidded to a halt, almost bumping into him. I took a few steps back to put some space between us. I looked at him nervously, but his expression gave nothing away.

“I’m not even sure why I’m here. Unless your feelings have changed.”

I bit my lip. I didn’t want to start the conversation this way. I didn’t want to get into another fight so I tried to speak as diplomatically as possible.

“I think things got away from us in the heat of the moment on Friday. I care about you too much to just throw our friendship away. The anniversary of Cassie’s death always affects me, and I think that’s why I got so angry with you. You didn’t deserve that.”

Logan studied me without saying anything. I was starting to get antsy from his lack of a response when he finally spoke.

“Did you accept Adam’s proposal?”

I hadn’t planned on discussing Adam with him, but I didn’t know how to get around his question, so I decided to answer truthfully.

“No, we broke up,” I admitted. “I realized that we weren’t right for each other. It actually happened earlier today.”

The tension in Logan’s shoulders relaxed, and he suddenly seemed more at ease, but all he said was, “I think you made the right decision.”

I stilled as he took a step closer to me. I tried to think of something to say so that Logan would understand that this didn’t change anything between us, but my mind drew a blank. All I could concentrate on was Logan’s physical presence, which seemed to fill the entire apartment.

“Maddie.” Logan’s voice was low and raspy, and I felt hypnotized as I watched him lift his hand. My insides clenched when he cupped my face and brushed his thumb against my cheek. “Just give us a chance. That’s all I’m asking for.”

I should have protested and given him all the reasons why we couldn’t be together. Those reasons hadn’t gone away. But I couldn’t vocalize those thoughts because they didn’t seem so insurmountable anymore. Maybe confessing to Emily about my past had helped. I had finally been able to unload some of the burden I had been carrying around all these years. I had expected Emily to recoil in disgust, but instead she had been understanding and compassionate. She hadn’t thought I was a monster, so maybe I wasn’t. She didn’t seem to think pursuing a relationship with Logan was horribly wrong and selfish. Could she be right?

I put my hand on Logan’s wrist, stopping him from pulling me closer. His close proximity wasn’t helping my chaotic thoughts. “I’m just scared,” I admitted, my voice barely a whisper. “I’m scared this is wrong. I’m scared our friendship will be ruined beyond repair.” I took a long shuddering breath and said the words that expressed my deepest fear. “I’m scared that Cassie is looking down at us, feeling hurt and betrayed again.”

“This has nothing to do with Cassie,” he said softly. “We made mistakes in the past but we’re not doing anything wrong now. Give yourself a chance to believe that.”

It wasn’t the desire that I saw in Logan’s face that swayed me. It was the care and concern in his expression, and I knew that he would never do anything to hurt me. I didn’t know if I could say the same thing about myself, if I could promise myself that I would never hurt Logan again, but I pushed that thought aside. I was tired of fighting my attraction to him. For once, I wanted to let go of everything and just allow myself to feel.