When he collapsed on top of me, I wrapped my arms around him, feeling protective of him after witnessing him in such a vulnerable state.
It took me a few moments to catch my breath and come back to full consciousness, and then I became aware of how uncomfortably heavy Logan was on top of me. His eyes were closed and I couldn’t help admiring how long and full his lashes were, in juxtaposition to his singularly masculine face. He was breathing evenly like he was asleep, and I wondered how I would get him off me without his help.
I shifted slightly, trying to maneuver myself out from under him, when his blue eyes fluttered open. We were so close that I could see the black rims around his irises, and I swallowed, trying not to show how awkward I felt now that we were no longer in the throes of passion.
Logan gave me a lazy smile, not looking discomfited in the least. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Um, I can’t breathe with you on top of me.”
It wasn’t the most romantic thing to say, but I was relieved when Logan rolled over so that he was lying next to me. I suppressed a squeak of surprise when he reached out and pulled me over by my waist so that I was pressed against his side with one of my legs splayed on top of his. I stared into his neck as his hand softly brushed up and down my back. I’m sure the motion was meant to be soothing, but in my heightened state of awkwardness, it just made me even more aware of how totally out of my element I was right now. Logan seemed to think that what had happened was completely natural, but it changed the entire dynamic between us, and I wasn’t sure how to act now. We had gone from friends to combatants to lovers in the blink of an eye, and I wasn’t sure what that meant. Although this was the second time we had been intimate, the first time had been eight years ago, when we were just kids in college. I shut down that train of thought as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to think about the past and Cassie. It would only confuse me more.
“What are you thinking about?” Logan asked softly as he continued to caress my back.
“That this is the last thing I expected to happen today,” I said. “Just a couple of days ago, I thought we would never see each other again, and now this.” I waved my hand to indicate us lying in bed with our bodies intertwined. “And before that, we were only friends. It’s just so sudden.”
“I’m not sure if I’d consider three years sudden, but I know what you mean,” Logan replied drily. His voice became serious as he continued. “Are you okay with it? With what just happened between us?”
I took a moment to think it over before I answered. My emotions were so tangled up right now, but I knew that I couldn’t regret what had just happened between us. It had felt so right and good, and I couldn’t imagine never being close to Logan like this again. Yet, I could already feel the guilt seeping in despite my efforts to ignore it. I wished that the pure and uncomplicated emotions I had experienced earlier could last beyond the throes of lovemaking, but the reality of our situation made it impossible. Maybe if I just tried to forget about Cassie, I could come to terms with being with Logan. The thought made me feel awful but it seemed like the only way.
“I’m okay with it,” I replied. “I just…” I trailed off, trying to choose my words carefully. “I need to keep Cassie out of this. Thinking about her makes me feel guilty, like we’re doing something wrong.” Logan opened his mouth to reply, but I continued talking before he could say anything. “I know you believe that we weren’t responsible for what happened in the past, but that’s something I can’t be so sure of. There can’t be anything between us as long as Cassie’s memory is in the way.” My voice dropped. “I know this makes me sound like a horrible person, but a part of me just wants to forget about Cassie. If I can forget about her, I can forget about her death, too. And then just maybe I can believe that I deserve a shot at happiness.”
A deep shame settled in the pit of my stomach at my words. How could I want to forget someone that I had loved so much for almost half my life? Yet, I knew I could never forgive myself for being responsible for her death, so maybe trying to forget her was the only way I could go on with my life. More importantly, it would prevent me from having to push Logan away.
Logan was silent for a while before he answered. When he did speak, his voice was hesitant. “I’m not sure that’s the best idea. I know how close you and Cassie were. It’s probably not very healthy to try to forget someone who was so important to you.”
I tilted my head to look at Logan. His expression was concerned, and I knew he was only looking out for my well-being, but I didn’t know how else I could be with him. Otherwise, the guilt would cons
ume me.
“I can’t be with you any other way,” I confessed. “I can’t handle the memory of Cassie and be with you at the same time.”
His expression turned hopeful. “Does that mean you’re willing to give us a chance?”
I nodded, trying to banish the fear that threatened to overtake me about the step I was taking. “Let’s see what happens.” I tried to smile at him, wanting to lighten the mood. “Maybe after a few weeks, you’ll realize that being with me is even more of a pain in the ass than being my friend.”
Logan gently pushed the hair back from my face, his expression serious. “I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. You’re not going to be able to shake me that easily.”
I felt a lump in my throat at his words, not knowing what to say. He solved the problem for me by grinning at me. “Besides, I already know what a pain in the ass you are. I only expect it to be worse now that we’re together, but I’m willing to put up with it.”
He made an exaggerated expression of long suffering, and I couldn’t help laughing at him, although I smacked him on the chest. He rubbed the spot where I had hit him like he was in pain, but he grinned. “I’m like a combination of Mother Theresa and the Dalai Lama when it comes to my patience with you.”
I groaned at his lame comment and made a move to push him away. He grabbed my waist, pulling me back towards him. I didn’t protest, nuzzling into his side instead. It was intoxicating to be so open and close to him without feeling guilty. As long as I didn’t think about Cassie, everything would be okay.
“I didn’t use a condom. I didn’t think to bring one because the last thing I expected was for this to happen tonight.”
His announcement took me off guard. I hadn’t even been thinking about protection in the heat of the moment. It was a stupid move, but I was on birth control so I didn’t have to worry about an unexpected pregnancy. The thought of being pregnant with Logan’s child was too much to handle, so I pushed it out of my mind.
“I’m on the pill,” I said, trying to put his mind at ease, although he hadn’t seemed too concerned when he had mentioned not using protection. “And I have a clean bill of health, so no worries there.”
“I wasn’t worried,” Logan replied, kissing me gently on top of my head. “And you have nothing to worry about with me, either. I just didn’t want you to get upset when you realized I didn’t use one. Not that you getting pregnant is the end of the world.”
I didn’t know how to respond to his statement. Getting pregnant wouldn’t necessarily be the end of the world, but it would be pretty close to it, yet he seemed so cavalier about the prospect. I decided to just ignore it.
I checked the time on the clock next to the bed, surprised by how late it had gotten. “I’m starving. What do you want to do for dinner?”
I yelped in surprise when Logan flipped me on my back and positioned himself on top of me.
“I know what I want for dinner,” he said with a grin and an exaggerated diabolical wiggle of his eyebrows as his eyes trailed down my body. I laughed at his goofiness, but any trace of amusement disappeared when he proceeded to show me exactly what he meant.