Logan’s eyes narrowed. “So, you’re saying that those three years meant something to you? Do you still want to be with him?”
I threw up my hands in frustration. “Where is this coming from? All I said was that I understood why he would be upset. We were together for three years, and then not only did I refuse to marry him but I broke up with him out of the blue. Just because I understand where he’s coming from doesn’t mean I want to be with him!”
Logan didn’t speak for a while as he studied me, his expression grim. I was annoyed by his attitude and the meaningless of this fight. I had been looking forward to a relaxing evening with Logan and instead we were arguing about things that didn’t matter.
“Did you ever love him?” he asked quietly, his voice flat.
“At one time, I thought I did,” I answered truthfully. “But I think the reality was that I wanted to be in love, and he was there at the right time. I realized a while ago that we were wrong for each other, but I became complacent in our relationship. It was comfortable and easy because I wasn’t totally invested. I hate admitting it now, that I was willing to settle for so little, but at the time it was enough.”
“What about now? Do you love me?”
Logan’s question took me completely off guard. My first instinct was to answer yes, but honestly, I wasn’t sure. I had loved him as a friend before, and now that we were so much more, I wasn’t exactly sure what my feelings were. A long time ago, I had been positive that he was the love of my life, but I had been young and naïve. I pushed that thought aside because it was dangerously close to leading me to think about Cassie, and I had been fervently trying to forget about her since Logan and I had started a relationship.
“I don’t know,” I finally answered. I didn’t want to hurt him, but it would be worse to tell him yes when I wasn’t sure. He flinched as if I had physically struck him, and I hurried to try to explain myself. “We’re just starting our relationship. I don’t want to rush into words that’ll put pressure on us. I just want to let this take its course naturally.”
I reached out to take Logan’s hand, and although he didn’t pull away, I could feel the mental distance he put between us. I squeezed his hand, unnerved by his silence.
“Are we okay?” I asked, not knowing what else to say.
Logan took a long time to answer. When he finally spoke, he looked more resigned than upset. “I don’t know, Madison. I thought things were finally different between us. I thought we had finally buried our demons so that we could have a real chance at a relationship, but I feel you putting up walls between us.”
Instead of making me rethink my viewpoint on the status of our relationship, his words made my hackles rise. Just because I wasn’t falling all over myself to proclaim my love for him didn’t mean I wasn’t giving us a chance. We had technically only been dating for two weeks. It was unreasonable for Logan to demand so much of me so quickly.
“I’m not putting up walls between us,” I said, trying to keep the irritation from my voice but I pulled my hand away from his. “We’ve just started dating. I think it’s a little unrealistic for you to expect me to tell you exactly what my feelings are so early in the relationship.”
“Early in the relationship?” Logan repeated disbelievingly. “We’ve spent the past year practically glued at the hip. It’s a little insulting to say that we’ve only been together for two weeks.”
“We were friends, Logan!” I said in exasperation. “That’s a little different than dating. I don’t know what you want from me. I’m willing to give this relationship a try, but you’re making it hard on me by demanding too much too fast.”
“Well, I guess I should just be grateful for that,” he replied sarcastically. “I’m so glad that you’re begrudgingly willing to give me a chance.”
“That’s not what I meant!” My frustration was growing the more we talked. “You know how hard it is for me with…” I trailed off, not wanting to bring up the topic I had been avoiding. “You know this isn’t easy for me because of the past,” I finally finished.
“Just say her name,” Logan pushed. “You think the only way for us to be together is for you to forget about Cassie, but that’s going to end up being the reason why we fail. You can’t just forget about a huge part of your past. You loved her, and you should remember her that way instead of trying to pretend like she never existed.”
I was so angry that it was hard for me to speak without yelling. I glared at him, furious that he had brought her up. “Drop the shrink routine. I don’t need you to presume to know what’s going on inside my head. I told you before that I didn’t want the topic of Cassie to be brought up. If you can?
?t respect that, just tell me now so I don’t waste either of our time.”
Instead of becoming angry, his expression turned bleak, but he nodded. “I’m willing to do it your way. But it’s going to end up blowing up in our faces. Sooner or later you’re going to start to resent me even though it’s your choice to pretend Cassie never existed.”
I didn’t want to fight anymore, and I didn’t want to talk about Cassie. I wasn’t sure Logan was entirely wrong, but I did know that I could never be with him with Cassie between us. My guilt wouldn’t allow it. So the only way for us to be together was to keep Cassie in the past, as much as it pained me.
“Let’s not argue about it,” I said, wanting to put the evening back on track. “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day, and I don’t want to waste any of our time together fighting.”
The lines of tension on Logan’s face relaxed, and he pulled me towards him. “I can think of another way we can pass the time,” he said with a slight smile, easily putting our cross words behind us.
“And what exactly would that be?” I said coyly, pressing my hand against his chest, loving the warmth of his firm muscles.
“Showing is so much better than telling.” Logan wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and I laughed as he stood and pulled me to my feet. Everything was forgotten once we reached the bedroom, and I was able to convince myself that we had a real chance at happiness.
Chapter Thirteen
I glanced at my cell phone next to my laptop with a frown. I was knee deep in writing my latest article, and the ringing had broken my concentration. I didn’t recognize the phone number flashing across the screen, and I debated letting it go straight to voicemail, but at the last minute, I answered it.
“Hello?”
“Madison, it’s Cassie’s mother.”