Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

The words repeated themselves in my head over and over again until I finally stopped crying out of sheer exhaustion. My body couldn’t take anymore, and I just lay in bed unmoving, wishing I could talk to Cassie one last time.

Hours had passed when the stillness of my apartment was broken by the ringing of my cell phone. I frowned when I saw that it was Adam calling. The last thing I wanted was to deal with him so I let it go to voicemail. I almost hurled the phone across my bedroom when he immediately called again, but I checked the impulse. When he called the third time, I answered the phone angrily. I was ready to unleash some of my rage on someone, and Adam was as good a target as any.

“What the fuck do you want?” I snarled.

“You sound pretty upset. What happened?” Despite the concerned nature of his words, his tone was smug. Sudden realization bloomed as I considered how Mrs. Brooks had found out about me and Logan. Adam didn’t know the details about what had happened in the past, but he knew enough to use it against me. I had never intended to tell him anything about it, but some of the story had spilled out one night when I had awakened from a nightmare about Cassie’s death. He knew that Logan had been Cassie’s boyfriend in college and that her mother had been emotionally unstable since her death, but I had never revealed to him what had happened between Logan and me. I had confided in Adam early in our relationship and asked him to never speak about it again, and he had respected my wishes. Until now.

“You asshole,” I hissed. “You’re the one that told Cassie’s mother about me and Logan.”

“I thought she deserved to know what you two were up to. I know you said that she wasn’t able to deal with Cassie’s death, but you never told me that she’s actually crazy and pretends that her daughter’s alive.” Adam seemed highly amused by it all, and I wondered how I could have wasted so many years on someone who could be so effortlessly cruel. “We sure had one interesting conversation.”

“I can’t believe I used to think you were a decent human being,” I spat out. “You make me sick. Don’t ever contact me again.”

Adam’s voice was cold when he spoke again. “You don’t have to worry about that. This wasn’t some ploy to get you back. I just figured you deserved a little misery. It didn’t seem fair for you to get your happily ever after. You told me how much Cassie’s mother meant to you. You would be a pretty heartless bitch to continue a relationship with Logan knowing that it was killing her.”

He hung up before I could respond, and I was tempted to call him back so I could scream at him and tell him exactly what I thought of him. In the end, I restrained myself because it wouldn’t do any good. He wanted a reaction out of me, and I didn’t want him to know just how much he had fucked up my life.

When my phone rang, anger immediately surged to life inside me again, but I was instantly deflated when I saw that it was Logan calling. I took a deep breath before answering the phone because I didn’t want him to hear my distress. This was something we needed to talk about face-to-face.

“Hi, Logan.”

“Hey, babe. What are you up to?” He sounded so happy and relaxed which made me even more depressed. What was I going to do? I knew Adam wouldn’t hesitate to contact Mrs. Brooks again if he found out that we were still together, and I knew she would then become really unhinged. But I couldn’t live my life trying to play a part in a charade.

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“Not much,” I said, trying to sound upbeat. “Just working.”

“I think I’m going to get out at a decent hour today. Why don’t we go out to dinner instead of just doing take-out?”

The thought of having to smile and pretend everything was okay in a noisy restaurant made my stomach turn. We needed to have a serious conversation, and it was better to have it in private.

“Do you mind just coming over? I’m a little tired and I think I need a night in.”

“Is everything okay?” Logan’s voice instantly turned concerned and I fought back the tears that there threatening to spill over.

“Everything’s fine,” I said, hoping he would believe the false brightness I had forced into my voice. “I just feel like staying in.”

“No problem,” he said, seemingly convinced by my act. “Is there anything in particular you want for dinner?”

“Not really. Surprise me.”

I was relieved when the call ended, although I was just postponing the inevitable. I didn’t know what I would say to Logan, since I wasn’t even sure of my own feelings.

By the time Logan arrived, I still had no idea what to do. I decided the best thing was to be entirely truthful about what had happened today and take it from there.

“Hi, baby. It’s good to see you after a crazy day at work.” Logan dropped a quick kiss on my mouth before heading to the kitchen to set the bag of take-out on the counter. I followed him and leaned against the counter as he started to unpack the bag of food.

“You’re in an awfully good mood,” I commented as I watched him. He was upbeat and practically whistling with good cheer. He turned to grin at me and winked.

“I got some good news today.”

“Well?” I asked when he continued to empty the bag without explanation, and then grabbed a couple of plates from the cupboard. “Are you going to tell me what it is, or do I have to guess?” I tapped my finger on my mouth, pretending to be deep in thought. In that moment, being with him, I could almost forget that my life was in shambles, and I wanted to prolong that feeling as long as possible. “Did you find out that you’re secretly a superhero and your only weakness is kryptonite? No, wait… I bet you found out you’re next in line to be heir to the throne of Bulgaria. Do I have to start calling you King Logan?”

“As ecstatic as I would be to have you start calling me king, it’s a little less exciting than that,” he replied drily. “I got an offer of partnership today.”

“That’s amazing!” I exclaimed with an excited squeal. I grabbed him in a fierce hug, forcing him to put down the plates. “Congratulations! I’m so proud of you. You’ve worked so hard for them. It’s only right that they finally make you a partner.”

Logan wrapped his arms around me, returning the hug as he grinned down at me. He looked so happy and relaxed that my glee vanished, replaced with heavy regret. Soon, I would cause that happiness to disappear. The problems I had momentarily forgotten in the midst of his good news came rushing back to me, and my smile faltered. I hated to ruin this for him, and I debated tabling the topic for another time.