Threatening.
“If—if I knew…if you told me what you did…I might not have been so…”
Her brow furrowed, and she looked away. “But you would always look miserable.”
Silence wafted.
“Is this why you’ve been so…”
“Insane?” she supplied.
“I was going to say persistent.”
More tears filled her eyes.
I could feel my own lids, hot and burning. Was this fate? No matter how hard you fight, the stage resets itself, forcing you back into your position.
“I don’t know who I am anymore,” she said, voice hoarse. “I’ve been trying to be someone else for so long. That night, my mother came to me. She told me more than a few things. Like, if I didn’t get a baby from you, I was as good as forgotten.”
I sat beside her and dragged her hands into mine. Trying to apologize for everything I put her through even though I knew there would never be enough words or actions.
“I’m so sorry.” She broke into tears. Deep, heaving tears. So when she spoke, I could barely hear above the sobbing. “I-I know you don’t love me. I know you won’t ever love me. I know what I’ve done is unforgivable. I started picturing myself. A laughingstock among our peers. Poor Lottie, must be something defective. You wouldn’t love me, so I thought I could become her.”
“I haven’t been good to you, Lottie. I’ve failed you. I won’t fail our baby.”
She looked up, blinking through her watery eyes. “So you’ll abandon her?”
“No,” I said instantly.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Snitch was waiting for me, to run away, to leave.
I dragged my hands through my hair. She exhaled and dropped her shoulders. I couldn’t leave Snitch. I wouldn’t.
I stood up.
“Are you going to her?” she asked.
“I have to.”
Lottie nodded, fisting the sheets. “Can I stay here, in my half of the wing until I’m cleared to travel? I won’t bother you. It will be like before, like I’m not even here.”
“You can stay here as long as you need.”
She
worked the sheets harder between her fingers. “I lied, I can’t take that back, but…I do love you, and I’ll always be there for you, Grayson. Always.”
“Don’t you want your own happiness, Lottie? I want that for you. I want you to have a man who deserves you. I’m not him.”
“I don’t get that,” she mumbled. “Fate made that perfectly clear.”
“You said I wasn’t your first. There must be someone else out there.”