He hissed when he realized I wasn’t wearing anything underneath. Our lips met. I had no control over my body, because Foster owned it. No matter how much damage he was doing to my psyche, all Foster had to do was walk up and touch me and I would submit.
As he pushed me up against the door, Foster crushed his lips against mine. There in the dimly lit hallway, we connected once again, and I became powerless once more.
* * *
I pulled up my dress, shaking my head angrily. I couldn’t believe I was that girl, the girl who knew what she should do but did the opposite anyway. Foster touched me and I obeyed no matter what. I brushed past him, trying to escape my own self-loathing.
Out of the building, I thought I’d escaped him until I heard: “Nora, wait! Where are you going?”
“Where am I going? Where am I going?” I couldn’t help but repeat myself. I knew I sounded like a shrill, insane harpy, but Foster had just shredded my heart and now this? I couldn’t take it. “I’m getting away from you!”
“Look…” Foster ran a hand through his sandy blond hair, tangling it and making it messy.
My stomach did flip-flops and I cursed my traitorous body for still finding him irresistible. “I know we shouldn’t have done that. That was my fault. But does that mean we can’t be friends?”
I stared at him like he was an alien speaking a different language. Finally I said, “No, no we can’t be friends.”
Foster actually looked hurt at my reply. “Why not?”
“Because I love you, you idiot!” I spoke louder than I’d intended, and I glanced around, making sure there was no one to hear. Luckily, it was just me and Foster underneath the stone archway.
Right, lucky, because heaven forbid anyone found out about us. Foster stood frozen, as if I were Medusa and he’d stared in to my eyes. Not a single word escaped from his lips for a solid two minutes. His eyes frozen and his body unmoving, he simply stayed in that position.
I shook my head, feeling even dumber than I had before, and started to walk away. I didn’t need any more reasons for my heart to break.
“Nora, wait!” Foster called out to me just as I was about to round the stone corner. I paused, unsure if I wanted to go back to him. Despite my body practically yelling at me to turn around and see what he wanted, my brain begged for relief. My mind knew that whatever Foster wanted would only lead to more heart ache.
“What do you want, Foster?” I asked, keeping my back to him. My heart had won, but my mind still had some power. I leaned against the stone wall, refusing to look at Foster or walk back.
“Is it so horrible that you love me?”
I wanted to smack my head against the rocky wall that I leaned against.
“It’s more than horrible. I can’t love someone I can never have. Every Monday and Wednesday are simultaneously the best and worst days of my week.” I sighed, giving myself a break so I didn’t burst into tears. Ungluing my eyes from the stone wall, I traveled up to the sky. Fall was upon us now, which meant cold air and overcast skies. The atmosphere was grey and gloomy, the only color coming from the bright orange trees.
I watched as a singular leaf detached from a tree and fell, swaying in the breeze before landing on the crisp autumnal grass. It wouldn’t be long before that leaf faded and became brittle, a mere memory of what it had been when connected to its host.
Gathering all my strength, I turned to Foster. “I know this was only supposed to be fun, but I’ve developed feelings for you. Please, let me go. Let me go so that I don’t completely wither away.” I didn’t wait for his response. Pulling my hand from the cool stone wall, I sprinted away and ran until my lungs were about to give out.
Lately, I’d been doing a lot of running.
8
Learn It By Heart
People said college would be a defining time in my life. I had no idea how true that would be. I remembered hearing stories about girls who slept with their professors and thinking, “Wow how stupid”, or worse, “How slutty.” Now that I was one of those stupid, slutty girls, I couldn’t help but think of the others. Had it been this difficult for them?
At the registrar’s office I wished I could explain why I wanted to drop the class. Maybe then she wouldn’t have looked at me with such snide contempt. Or, probably more likely, she would have looked at me with even more contempt.
“Please let me drop this class,” I begged the registrar for the fifteenth time.
“You can drop the class,” the registrar repeated for the fifteenth time. “But it will show up on your record.”
I nearly banged my head against the plexiglass separating us.
“All right,” I mumbled, defeated. “Never mind.”
I made my way out of the monumental historic building, feeling deflated. I had to spend three more months stuck in a classroom with Foster. Aside from how that would affect my heart, there was no way I could pass that class. Organic chemistry was hard enough, but being taught by my ex-lover? A man who I was still in love with?