Words wouldn’t form on my tongue. He hefted me up i
nto his arms and carried me to his bed and I wanted to fall apart; I felt such relief. My back landed on the soft mattress and then his lips were on mine. His hand touched my face, “Why’re you crying, my baby? What’s wrong?”
He sounded so gentle, so concerned. A sob tore out of me.
He flipped us so that he was on his back and I was on him and he held me close, “Talk to me.”
I shook my head and kept crying into his chest.
“Babe?”
“You left me on the sofa last night so I thought you didn’t care and I…”
“Huh?”
“You always carry me to bed and last night you didn’t and so I thought you didn’t care…”
“Baby last night I don’t even remember hitting the bed I was so zonked. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you weren’t there. Shit. Do you wait for me on the sofa on purpose all the time?”
I felt stupid. Stupid and needy. Why did he even want me?
“Angel?”
“Kind of.”
“Why, baby?”
“That first time you carried me to bed I’d fantasized about that before it happened and then you did it. And it was beautiful. And then the next night I didn’t want to presume to climb into your bed and you did it again. And the other times were just flukes most of the time but last night you felt distant and I wanted you to carry me, so you wouldn’t feel distant, and you didn’t and I…” I didn’t know how to finish.
“Thought we were havin’ problems? Thought I was pulling away?”
“The K-kruna stuff is so ugly, Dare. I started to wonder if you knew more, if you’d seen Jason’s tapes. If you knew how bad, how dirty I am.”
“What?”
“I’m tainted. I’m dirty. I’m too dirty for you.” Too needy, too broken.
“What the fuck? You can’t be serious.”
I sobbed.
“I haven’t watched any of Jason’s tapes. I wouldn’t ever watch them. Never. I’m not some sick fuck who gets off on watching people hurt you. That motherfucker is whacked, baby. I wouldn’t ever watch them. And if someone tied me down and made me watch them it would not ever mean that I’d look at you as dirty. You’re not dirty, baby.”
“I am.”
“You’re not!” he said fiercely, “Tell me. Tell me all of it and you’ll know it won’t affect how I feel.”
“It will.”
“It won’t.”
“It has to.”
“Try me.”
“Fine. Wanna hear how they waterboarded me for hours with seawater? Do you know what torture waterboarding is? It meant I never wanted to be in water again. I panicked for months even in the shower, Dare.”
“Baby.”