“This,” I answered.
“You’ve got this hero worship thing happenin’ and I am a fuckin’ dog for letting it get carried away. I wanna say I really wanted to not go here with you but it’s only been a few days. Clearly I didn’t try that hard. But the way you look at me, the way you are when we fuck, it’s too much.”
I kissed his chin and snuggled in. I couldn’t believe I felt so bold to do that. But I did. And it felt awesome to just snuggle in close to him like that.
He put an arm tight around me, “I dunno, babe. I just don’t want if this thing with us goes somewhere and for you, as your life gets normal again, to suddenly realize you don’t want this.”
“I won’t,” I whispered.
“How do you know that?”
I didn’t have an answer for him. I just couldn’t imagine not wanting him.
He continued, “Because once I’ve decided you’re mine I won’t be willing to let you go unless you do something to shred my heart. Maybe I should give you space, let you figure out what you want before we take this any further.”
“Maybe you should,” I said softly.
He raised his eyebrows for a second and then moistened his lips and nodded.
“But please don’t,” I said.
He shook his head and sighed but he looked relieved, I think.
“What do you want outta life?” he asked me.
I shrugged, “It has been a long time since I let myself think about that. All I’ve thought about for so many months, is this. Getting sold so I could get out of there. That’s what I did, Dare. I worked hard to make them trust me so I could be sold. I didn’t play them, please don’t think I’m playing you. I didn’t play anyone, I just tried really hard to be good enough. And I’d never ever shred your heart. Never ever.”
He shook his head and was quiet a minute, studying me, before saying “So what if you and I carry on and suddenly you realize what you want isn’t this?”
“I don’t think that’ll happen,” I said and my heart wanted to leap with joy because it sounded like he did want this, want me.
“Because you thought you’d have nothing better,” he said, “Because you thought this was the best scenario you could get, getting sold. But I don’t wanna be someone’s best case scenario. I want a woman who worships the ground I walk on. I want a woman who lets me do the same for her and who appreciates that I worship her. I want a woman who wants what I want outta life.”
“You deserve nothing less.” God, he was amazing. He wanted a relationship, not a slave, a partner in life.
“And if this thing with us goes where it could go I might always wonder if it’s enough for you. And you might never ask for more because you’ll think you don’t deserve more. What if looking at me always reminds you of how you came to be mine? What if being with me means you can’t ever totally forget that hell that they put you through? I know this is a lot but I need this on the table. In the situation we’re in we can’t afford to just play things by ear. Does what I’m saying even make sense?”
I nodded, “It does. I know my head isn’t on straight. But I know that with all that you’ve given me so far that I have a very good chance of it finding its way to straightening out. ”
He rolled his eyes, “I feel like a fuckin’ dog.”
“Listen,” I got up onto an elbow and touched his face, “Do you not look in the mirror and see all that is you? Do you not see that you could never ever be a consolation prize to any girl? I won’t forget what I’ve been through whether I’m here with you or totally alone. It’ll always be with me. We have to look like we’re together so that they don’t think you’re a threat. So just take me. I’m yours. Won’t that make it easier? Then you’re not pretending. You’re just going about your life. You’re just doing what anyone else who had a Kruna slave would do. Instead of adding me to the list of complications, just go about your life. I won’t complicate it. I’ll enjoy every minute I have being yours as a gift because it is one. You’ll be giving me a beautiful gift, Dare. And you’ve already done so much for me I hate to ask you for a thing and I don’t want you keeping me out of obligation and robbing yourself of being happy and being with someone who you choose to be with instead of feeling obligated to keep someone you’re stuck with but I’m asking you not to feel guilty about what we just did. It was beautiful. Just keep me for now, maybe? I’ll work hard to be everything you need and I won’t try to make you feel bad later if you don’t want me anymore.”
“Baby…” he said but let that hang.
“When the day comes that you decide we can safely part, I’ll deal. I won’t go all stalker crazy on you because I’ve been trained to behave and I will behave. I won’t ever do anything to make you regret rescuing me. And I won’t expect you to be mine back. If you want someone else, you do what you want. I’m yours and only yours for as long as you decide but you won’t be expected to be faithful to me. You’re in charge. If you want me, I’m here. I will have no expectations.” Wow, that was a lot. It must’ve sounded rehearsed to him, like I was trying to sell him something.
“Naw,” he touched my face, “If I’m with you, I’m only with you.”
I breathed deep and choked up. I shouldn’t have done that. It revealed too much.
“See, already you feel deep and I could fuck that up.” He ran his fingers through my hair.
“How?” I leaned into his wrist. I kept revealing too much with him.
“Am I always gonna wonder if you really want out?” his eyes roved over my face.
I shrugged, “I don’t know.”