Johnny just took my hand off his T-shirt. My belly swooped with that awful sickening sensation when something really bad happens. He looked so icy and distant, like a stranger. Like the taciturn guy who’d come in here the first night. Everything in me rejected it now, showing me just how quickly he’d got under my skin, and how flimsy my desire to end this really was.
Just then Candy appeared, on her way out of the bar. I looked at her blankly, and as spiky as ever she said, “Sorry to burst your intense sexual tension buzz, guys. Ash, I put the keys to Liam’s apartment back in the usual spot. Smell ya later. Be good!”
And with a salacious wink, she was gone, seemingly oblivious to the fact that it wasn’t a sexual tension buzz between us. More like an arctic wind.
I looked back reluctantly and Johnny’s cold eyes were narrowed on me. “I thought you said you didn’t have a key to the apartment.”
Shit.
My mouth opened but he didn’t give me a chance to say anything. His lip curled. “Don’t worry, I get it. Why bring me up to the apartment? Afraid I’d get notions of wanting to stay over and cuddle? No, better to keep it down and dirty in the staff room in case I got any ideas.”
His scathing glance seared me alive. “You could have saved yourself the discomfort of going on your knees in the shower stall, sweetheart. More comfortable surroundings wouldn’t have changed anything. And you know what? You’re right. I am a sucker to be helping out here for nothing. I’ll take the sexual favors you gave me last night in lieu of payment and let’s call it quits, yeah?”
He had turned and was walking out before my shocked, sluggish brain could catch up. But by the time I got to the door I saw only the taillights of his Buick before they disappeared around the corner.
*
* *
Johnny knew he shouldn’t be feeling so angry. Or so hurt. Where the fuck had that come from? Hurt should not be part of the equation. But the thought of Ashling and Candy discussing him, wondering about him, about why he would do such a thing—leave his sisters behind—made him feel unbelievably raw and betrayed. Ashamed.
The past wasn’t just nipping at his heels now. It was snarling and threatening to take great big chunks out of him.
Something in him hated that Ashling might judge him for abandoning his sisters, and he knew it was only because he’d already judged himself for it. And even though it had lessened over the past few years, knowing that he’d be seeing Caitlin soon was bringing it all up again. It would take reconnecting with her, and Mary, before he’d feel any measure of real peace.
And then there was the revelation that Ashling hadn’t wanted to take him up to the apartment above the bar because it was too personal. That flayed him nearly worse. He screeched to a stop at a red light, jaw tight.
Her voice mocked him. Let’s just leave it at a one-off. So what? She’d had her dirty little ride with Caitlin’s errant brother? And now she was done?
Well, damn her to hell. He was done, too. Ashling Sullivan had taken up far too much of his mental energy, and no woman occupied that place. He’d let her get way too close already.
* * *
It was after midnight by the time I’d locked up early and taken Liam’s precious motorbike out of storage and driven it over the Williamsburg Bridge to Johnny’s apartment in Brooklyn. Now I sat outside the address and saw only the dimmest of lights and felt like a fool.
If nothing else, though, I owed him an apology, and I was not going to duck that. I got off the bike then took off my helmet and put it away. Taking a deep breath, I rang the bell with Ryan beside it.
For a long time nothing happened. I rang again. And then I had lurid visions of Johnny in bed with someone else. Erasing me from his memory in the most effective way. Just when I was giving up hope, a window on the first floor opened. I stepped back, and the breath left my body when I saw him leaning out on two arms, his torso naked.
I could see his scowl from here. “What do you want?”
My gut twisted. “I wanted to apologize.”
He said nothing, just looked down at me for a long moment and then drew back in and closed the window. A clear rejection. I wasn’t prepared for the hurt that lanced me. Even as I guessed I deserved it, if he believed what he did, however erroneously.
Giving up, I went back to the bike and took the helmet out again. I was about to put it on when I heard a door open behind me and turned around, heart in my mouth, to see Johnny standing there, arms folded, jeans slung dangerously low on his hips, the top button open.
“How did you find me?”
“I looked through Liam’s notebook to find the number of the PI who tracked you down.”
Johnny smiled and it was harsh. “Enterprising of you. Did you have a nice in-depth chat about me? Discover any more choice pieces of gossip?”
“Look, I never should have said that earlier. It wasn’t fair, or right.”
Johnny laughed and it was as harsh as his smile. “It is right—that’s the problem.”
There was nothing but loaded silence for a long moment as I tried not to be desperately aware of Johnny’s naked chest and his tousled sleep-rough hair. And then he stood back and said nothing.