I should have known that Candy was a Jade back in the exam room. That trick she did with her voice, almost sending me to sleep on my feet, that's Black Widow 101 stuff. She sure didn't come on like a Jade, except for one thing. That kiss on the cheek came from lips as cold as any dead thing I've ever touched. So, why did I enjoy it so much? After being a monk for most of eleven years, any attention from a cute girl, alive or dead, will get under your skin. There's the good news. The bad news? On top of everything else, I might be turning into a necrophiliac.
WHEN ALICE AND I got together, I wasn't the only one with secrets. One night, after a particularly long evening of bruising sex on the couch in our un-air-conditioned living room, she blurted out, "I'm rich."
"What?"
"I'm filthy, balls-out, stinking rich. My whole family is, though they've probably disinherited me by now."
"So, you might be rich, but you're not sure?"
"No, I'm rich. Even if they forget all about me, I have a trust fund worth more than some Central American countries."
I sat up and reached for the coffee that had gone cold on the table.
"You do not."
"I'm in the DAR. I have my grandmother's gold rings and diamonds in a safe deposit box. Hell, I own a tiara."
"And you've never worn it to bed? You're holding out on me."
She locked onto me with her serious face. I always had to shut up when she used the serious face.
"I never told a boyfriend about any of this before. You're the first."
"Why me?"
She hit me in the stomach, half joking and half annoyed. I almost spilled coffee all over the couch.
She said, "I love you, ass-brain. I want you to know all about me."
"You already know all about me. My family doesn't have any money. But I can make a good chicken-fried steak."
She sat up on one elbow.
"Why aren't you rich? Why aren't all magicians rich?"
I shrugged and lay down beside her.
"Partly it's keeping under the radar. Partly it's tradition. A sort of code or something. What's cool about being rich if you do it by reciting a few words? Most rich Sub Rosa are connected to some kind of legit business. The rest of us just skate by. We just use magic to cut some corners. And that's the point. I'm not rich, but I know I'll never starve because I can order a burrito and make the counter person think I've already paid."
"Aim high, dude."
I kissed her hard and she crawled on top of me.
"So, when do we get to blow your grandma's money on drugs and hookers?"
"That's the tricky part. Grandma was old money. Old money hates rich kids, even rich grandkids. I don't get a dime until I'm thirty."
"Thirty? That's geologic. That's Jurassic Park."
"Anyone can make it to thirty, if they're not a complete dipshit. That's the deal. We're rich and all we have to do is make it to thirty."
I looked away, playing it straight.
"That's a long way off. I don't like making big promises."
Alice sat up on me.
"No, you have to. Promise me."