Apparently, Deon had gone to work for a little while earlier, even though he was supposed to have been off. Momma teased him about it. They joked and laughed as we ate cookies, and then we made our way into the living room.
Deon and I talked football and about a player Mia was scouting, and stuff like that.
A couple of hours later, Deon said he needed to go upstairs to take a shower, and when we were alone, me picking at the seam on the couch, Momma asked, “What is it, Darren? If you think I don’t know you have something on your mind, you’re crazy.”
I knew she’d know, and maybe that was why I’d come.
“You loved my biological father?”
She frowned, obviously not expecting that. I hadn’t either, but I was going with it. “Yeah, I did.”
“But it wasn’t meant to be.”
“No, it wasn’t. He wasn’t who I thought he was, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love him and it wasn’t worth it. If I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t have you and your sister.”
I nodded and kept picking. “You dated quite a bit between him and Deon.” She cocked a brow, and I realized how that sounded. “That’s not what I mean and you know it.” I was the compulsive…well, I couldn’t even say dater, but I was the one who hooked up a lot in the family.
“Yeah, I guess I did. But I didn’t bring men around you and your sister.”
“Fuck, no. That’s not what I meant. I just… Why was Deon different? From the other guys? What made you know you could bring him home to us, and what made you want to marry him after what you went through with my biological father? How did you know you felt something real for Deon?”
Momma paused a minute, then stood, walked over, and sat beside me on the couch. “It’s not something you can put into words. It’s just something you know. It’s a feeling inside you.”
“But what if you’ve never felt it before, and you weren’t sure you had it in you to feel that…or that you really worked that way? That sounds stupid.” Jesus, I needed to shut the hell up. What was wrong with me?
“You trust your gut, your heart. Maybe it’s chemistry, or something else, or a combination of things, but when you feel it, you know. There’s no checklist involved. You can’t tally up a score to see if you’re in love or in like or whatever it is you’re asking me. You’re a smart man with a big heart. If you’re asking me this, you already know that whoever she is, she’s special for you.”
She. I couldn’t blame her for the default. I’d never shown an interest in men, but Jeremy was different, even if I didn’t have a specific reason as to why.
“But what if you aren’t sure it can work out? What if there are reasons it’s…difficult? And you aren’t sure you can overcome them.” Maybe it was wrong of me to think of it this way but being with Jeremy would change who I always thought I was, and I didn’t know if I could do that.
“That sounds like an excuse to me.” Momma shrugged. “If someone is worth it, you find a way to make it work even if it’s hard. You’ve never given up a day in your life. You’re better than that, and you know it. If you want something, you gotta fight for it. That’ll make it all the sweeter when you win.”
Her words were the perfect jump-start I needed. They fueled me, got to that place deep inside me that knew I couldn’t just walk away from this, from him. I had to explore it. I had to at least try, otherwise I’d never forgive myself. I wasn’t the type to quit, and I sure as shit didn’t plan to start now. I wasn’t saying I was in love with Jeremy. I wasn’t ready to go that far, but I was in something with him, and I needed to see where it could go. “Thanks, Momma.”
“No problem. You gonna tell me who this person is?”
“Not yet,” I answered honestly. “I will when I’m ready.”
She accepted my answer just the way I needed her to.
I left right afterward. I was on my way to the hotel when I called Jeremy.
“Hey, you,” he answered.
“Are you alone?”
Pause. “Yes. West just dropped me off.”
“Pack your stuff…stay with me tonight. I’ll come pick you up and then bring you to the airport in the morning.”
His second hesitation was longer, more drawn out, making me hold my breath. “Darren…I don’t know…”
“Please…trust me, Angel.”
Jeremy inhaled a sharp breath, then sighed. “Give me a few minutes to get my things together.”
“I’m on my way.”
I had no idea what I planned to do with Jeremy once I got him back to my house. I just knew I needed him there.