I watched her, my throat tight. Yes, I’d scored her a date with Gage because she’d wanted to have a fling with him. But now . . . Did what we were doing really change nothing? “If you wanted a fling, why not just stick to the one you’re already having with me?”
She laughed shortly, but there was zero humor in the sound. “Because I have feelings for Gage,” she said. My muscles seized. It felt like a dagger was lodged in my spine. And if she was contemplating her feelings for Gage, then why did she look so miserable?
My jaw set and for a moment we simply stared at each other, her chin lifting slightly. What could I do? There was nothing I could do, not in that moment. You could beg. It might work. I gritted my teeth harder. No. “Have fun, Haven. But if you get your . . . wish . . . if Gage wants to take things in a physical direction, I won’t share you. You should know that,” I said quietly.
No, I wouldn’t beg. The only promise we had made to each other was there would be no promises. She’d made it clear we were friends. So maybe I was the one being irrational. But I wouldn’t be waiting here to extend benefits to her when she returned.
Her gaze danced away again. “Of course I know that. I’m not . . .” She fidgeted with her purse. “I’m not interested in that either.”
I waited but she said no more. Then why bother going on a date with another man? That’s what I wanted to know. She could have a night with me. She didn’t need to see Gage, did she? For what purpose? My chest ached. My entire body ached.
Choose me. Say you don’t want him at all. Physical or otherwise. Say you won’t give me up for him. I felt blindsided. I’d thought . . . What, Travis? That it’s something more than great sex? That because you want her, she automatically wants you too? Hasn’t she made it clear from the beginning that she does not? This is what you get.
God it hurt. It killed me. And I’d put myself in this position. This is exactly why you never have. It was so incredibly clear now. In the past, I’d chosen those who couldn’t hurt me. Because I hadn’t truly handed them any portion of my heart.
But now . . . now . . .
The doorbell met my ears, ringing distantly from the floor below. Her eyes met mine again, those bright spots deepening before she turned, walking stiffly out the door.
Second best. And second best didn’t even deserve a goodbye.
I let out a shuddery breath, clenching my eyes shut and letting the pain roll through me in waves.
I heard her laugh from below, and Gage’s deep voice saying something that was surely charming and complimentary.
I didn’t move a muscle, just stood there alone in her room where she’d left me, until his car doors shut outside and I heard the smooth motor of his Audi—the car that cost the entirety of two years of my salary—pulling out of the gravel driveway.
Only then could I move, propelling myself out her door, down the stairs and back to my truck where I jumped inside and peeled out of the driveway.
I turned in the opposite direction from the one they would have gone in, toward the lakeside restaurants in Calliope where he’d wine and dine her. He’d probably notice she was tense. She had been uncomfortable hurting me because she was kind.
But she’d done it anyway because she didn’t have the same feelings for me that I had for her.
Only when I’d turned down the dirt road that led to my land was I able to take a full breath. I came to a slow stop, rolling down the windows and turning off the ignition, staring unseeing at the faded red barn. It would be years before I saved up for the one thing I wanted. The only thing I had left.
I was spinning. Spiraling.
You will lose it all. Or lose it all.
Desperation spiked, a hot flood of despondency, and I leaned back on the seat, the breeze through the window ruffling my hair, but doing nothing to cool my blood.
The pile of things my mother had given me was sitting on the small space of floor behind the passenger seat and I twisted, reaching for them. Why? To torture myself further? To remind myself that I’d always been thrown away by people I cared about? By people who mattered?
The picture album was on top of the folder of documents and I rifled through that, shutting it after only a few pages. It hurt to look at my father in that moment.
I could have used you right now. I could have used you in so many moments.