Her posture eased up. “Okay.” She gave me a hug and whispered. “It’s okay for you to keep your distance from him, Aly. You know that right? I know seeing him again has to be hurting you.”
“It’s fine.” I shifted my feet around and shrugged. “I’m fine with it.”
“Yeah, but it might just be better to keep a safe distance. For both of your hearts.” I agreed. Besides, I didn’t see him finding his way to me anytime soon.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Logan
My back stayed against the bedroom door until I heard Alyssa leave. Pushing her away was going to be tough with me staying around town, because such a big part of me always wanted to pull her closer to me.
I sat in my bedroom on my cell phone, with my web browser opened, searching for information about colon cancer. My eyes danced across page after page of information, filling me up with more panic than I’d thought I could handle. For a while I read story after story of survivors, but then somehow I traveled into the dark world of the internet where the stories of those who passed away quickly from colon cancer existed.
I found natural remedies. I found common lies. My eyes stayed open until the sun came up, sending the light through my window.
As my eyes grew as heavy as my heart, I shut off my phone.
The only thing I learned that night was that WebMD was the devil, and Kellan probably wouldn’t make it through the night.
I pulled out a cigarette and lit it with my lighter. I opened the window, sat the cigarette on the ledge, and allowed myself those few moments to hurt.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Logan
Doctor James Petterson’s office was cold. Colder than it needed to be. Sure, outside it was probably near the nineties—which was hot for Wisconsin weather—but there was no need for it to be an ice cube in his room. James—or Toothpick Jimmy (TJ) as everyone around town called him because of his tall, skinny body—was the only doctor I’d ever known and trusted. He didn’t seem like a normal doctor, though. Half the time I wondered if TJ was even a real doctor or if he got bored one Saturday night, bought a stethoscope, put on a white coat, and never took it off. He lived in the apartment right above his office, too.
His office even looked like it was a fake doctor’s office. On the mantel behind his desk was a huge deer head that he swore he shot down with his eyes closed years ago. Beside the deer head was what was supposed to be a black bear’s fur, but really it was just a rug he probably found from Walmart on clearance. He pushed the story of how he killed the bear with a beer can in his right hand and a shotgun in his left.
On the corner of his desk, TJ had a jar of jelly beans along with black licorice sitting on the right side.
It blew my mind that a doctor was pushing candy into the faces of his patients so much, but for TJ it made sense, seeing how his wife Effie was one of the town’s few dentists and she was always looking for new patients.
TJ and his wife should’ve used more common sense when picking out the candy though, because nobody in their right mind ate black licorice.
I crossed my arms, pressing them against my body for heat. Shit. I was freezing. My eyes moved to the chair right beside me where Kellan sat.
When I looked up to TJ I saw his lips were still moving pretty quickly. He kept explaining the situation over and over again. At least that’s what I thought he was doing. I couldn’t be certain though, because I wasn’t listening anymore.
I didn’t know the exact moment when I stopped hearing the words flying from his tongue, but for the past five or ten minutes I was simply watching his mouth move. Meaningless sounds flowing from his lips.
My hands gripped the side of my chair and I held on tight.
The shock was the worst part, not knowing if I should laugh or cry at the diagnosis. Not knowing if I should get pissed and punch a wall. Not knowing how long I had left with my brother. The overwhelming feeling of isolation took my breaths. The panicked heartbeats that rolled through my system were terrifying, yet not unfamiliar. The fear and anger made each moment unbearable.
“Logan,” TJ said, pulling me back into the conversation. “This isn’t the end for your brother. He’s working with the best doctors in
the state. He’s getting the best treatment out there.”
Kellan brushed his fingers against his neck and nodded his head. “This isn’t the end for me, Logan. It’s just a hiccup.” His head nodding paired with his word choice, confused me. If it wasn’t the end, wouldn’t he shake his head instead of nodding?
My right hand brushed against my cheek and I cleared my throat. “We need a second opinion.” I started pacing the small patio porch and my hands raced through my hair. “And then we want a third opinion. And a fourth.”
That’s what people did, right? Searched for an answer that was more pleasant? More promising?
We needed a better answer.
“Logan…” TJ grimaced. “Getting second opinions will only slow us down. We are already attacking this head on, and we are hopeful—”