"Are you sure? Your breath is shallow."
Yes, it was. I turned to her, lowering my voice as much as possible in case anyone passed by. "That's because I've got to talk to you. And maybe it's better that I can't really see you because I think if I could, I would lose what little is left of my courage."
She stopped working on my back, lowered the medicine jar she'd been holding, and leaned around to where I could see her. As I had suspected, my courage faltered, but I was still determined to say what needed to be said.
"Crispus wants to marry Livia." I spoke the words slowly, watching for Aurelia's response. Did she already know this? Was she in favor of the idea? Or was I revealing a secret that might wound her for years to come?
Aurelia immediately calmed any of those concerns. "Livia would like that too. It's one of the reasons she refused to travel to Britannia with your mother. She wouldn't leave tomorrow either if Radulf didn't need her help. She doesn't want to leave you behind, of course. But she's also worried for Crispus."
"Oh." Back at the mines, no one had been closer to Livia than I had. It made me sad to think that I had become distant from her, that she might have thoughts and feelings she kept to herself or, at least, kept from me. Though perhaps by the end of tomorrow, that distance would protect her emotions.
"She would want to know they have your blessing," Aurelia said. "She loves him and hopes you will understand."
"I'm not sure I understand love," I said. "Not the way I want to. When the Romans invaded Gaul, my father attempted to make a Jupiter Stone, knowing it would probably kill him, but believing it was his last chance to save my family. Was that love or foolishness?"
"Love can be foolish," Aurelia said.
"At the mines, my mother got herself traded away from me and Livia, believing that through her, they'd find me, knowing magic is drawn to my family. For five years, we had to make it on our own, without our mother. Was that love or her faith in us to survive?"
"Love does require faith." Aurelia moved closer to me.
"Radulf traded himself for me, knowing the Mistress would torture him. Possibly even knowing she would take his magic."
"Then love requires courage as well," Aurelia said.
"Why are you here?" I asked. "Why do you always come back, knowing the danger that has followed me since the first day we met?"
Her whole face seemed to glow. "You know why."
My breathing had become shallow again. "If my situation were different, or if I were anyone else, I would've confessed my feelings long ago." I paused a moment to lick my lips and to catch what little breath I still had left. "I'm in love with you, Aurelia. The kind of love where at first I couldn't get you out of my head, and after that, I never wanted to. The kind of love where I would take a thousand more whippings if it meant I'd have you at the end of it." Now my gaze fell. "But it's also the kind of love where asking for marriage would be cruel because we both know how tomorrow will go, and I won't obligate you to that."
"If you ask," she whispered, "I would still say yes."
Tears filled my eyes, and I had to look away. "Livia will eventually find someone else to love. I want you to keep your promise to Crispus. That will save you from the Mistress, from her revenge when she gets free one day. And after tomorrow's trial, I need to face my punishment knowing that he will always take care of you."
"I don't need someone to take care of me!" Aurelia's temper was stirring.
"If you marry him --"
"You say that you love me and then ask me to marry someone else?"
"For good reasons!"
"Nothing that's good would hurt like this," she said. "We can fix this. I'll go find tools that can get those chains off your wrists. Or fire off as many arrows as it takes tomorrow until you can run."
"You won't do either of those things. And you can't succeed here, even if you tried. We both know that." I drew in a slow breath. "Don't come to the trial tomorrow. Stay in hiding with the amulets, protect them with as much force as you'd protect me. After the trial, when Crispus comes to find you, leave immediately for Britannia, and catch up to Radulf and Livia if you can, for everyone's safety. My mother will be there -- tell her I love her too. Promise me you'll go."
She shook her head, letting tears fall onto her cheeks. "I won't promise that."
"Aurelia --"
"Haven't you already promised that you would live? If you keep that promise, then there's no reason for me to leave tomorrow."
"I made that promise when I had enough magic to defend myself."
"And is that all you are? Back at the mines, before you had magic, weren't you fighting every single day? Maybe with your wit and intelligence, and maybe even your fists, if necessary, but you did fight. Use
all of that now. Fight back and survive this, and then you will come and find me and ask me to marry you, and if you ask nicely enough, I might consider forgiving you for putting me through all of this and decide whether you deserve me."