“I guess you were right,” he admitted with a grin, not looking at all chagrined at being proven wrong. “I was always against marriage in the past because I hadn’t met Emily yet. I guess I was just waiting for her all along.”
“You’re absolutely sure that you want to do this?” Autumn asked him searchingly, envying his calm certainty.
“I’m absolutely sure,” he answered without a moment’s hesitation. “I love her, and I love Ryan, and I want to spend the rest of my life with them. So go ahead, Autumn. Make fun of me all you like.”
“No,” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. Horrified, she tried to hold them back. She hadn’t cried in front of anyone in more years than she could remember.
But Webb saw the tears and took her in his arms. “I’m sorry you’re hurting, Autumn,” he murmured, his voice deep with sympathy. “Isn’t there anything I can do to help? Can’t you and Jeff work out your problems somehow?”
“I drove him away,” she said with a sob. “I took everything he offered and threw it away. And I’m afraid it’s too late to get it back.”
“It’s not too late. It can’t be. The man’s in love with you, Autumn.”
“He deserves someone better,” she murmured, burying her face in Webb’s comforting shoulder. “Someone who’s not afraid to take risks,” she added, remembering all those painful, heated, and oh-so-true accusations Jeff had made. Now she understood what Spring had meant that day in Little Rock. Spring had claimed to know her sister was in love because Autumn was worried about not being good enough for Jeff. Now Autumn understood.
Webb tried to talk to her further, offering again to help, but she drew back, wiping her eyes and forbidding him to mention the subject again or to contact Jeff. She apologized to him for casting a pall on his own happiness and forced herself to smile and talk about his wedding plans, trying to ignore the continuous pain the subject brought her. Webb wasn’t satisfied, but he knew her well enough to accept that the subject was closed. Permanently.
12
ON SUNDAY, three weeks after the day she’d sent Jeff away, Autumn took a long look at herself in the mirror and knew that she couldn’t go on running. Perhaps she’d been quite content with her life prior to meeting Jeff. But she had met him and she’d fallen in love with him, and living without him was destroying her. So now it was time to decide exactly what it was that was keeping them apart, why she was afraid to share her life with him when she loved him so very much.
Need. It all came down to need. She was so afraid to admit that she needed him. But she did. She needed him desperately, and there was no way she could continue to deny that very obvious fact. Loving someone was thing, but needing someone was terrifying. What happened if she needed someone who was no longer there for her?
On a sudden impulse she picked up her telephone and dialed Spring’s number. She didn’t even identify herself when Spring answered but blurted out a blunt question. “Spring, what would you do if something happened to Clay, or if he left you?”
Spring paused for a moment, then asked for clarification. “What would I do?”
“Yes. You have your career, you’ll have your child in late July. Would those things be enough to make you happy if you lost Clay? I know this is weird, Spring, but humor me, will you?”
“They wouldn’t be enough,” Spring replied, making an effort to answer honestly. “I love my work and I’ll love my child, but Clay is a part of me. Without him that part of me would die. Oh, I’m not saying that I
would literally die, though I might want to at times. I’m sure that life would go on, and perhaps I’d even find peace after a time. But I’d never be whole again. Do you understand that?”
“You need him,” Autumn said with a sigh.
“Yes. I need him. I need him to make me laugh and keep me from being too serious about life. To be there for me when I need a hug or encouragement. To talk to about anything and everything that interests us. To make love with. And Clay needs me, too. For moral support when he’s having a hard time getting through to one of his patients, to give him an outlet for the fears and vulnerabilities that he hides from others behind his funny clothes and quirky humor, to share the good times and the bad times. I don’t spend time worrying about losing him, Autumn. I choose, instead, to treasure every moment I have with him.”
“I don’t want to need anyone,” Autumn whispered starkly. “I don’t want to know that part of me will die if I lose that person.”
Spring’s laugh was brief, gentle, understanding. “We don’t choose to need, Sis. It’s a part of living. When you love, you need.” She paused, then asked carefully, “Are you and Jeff having problems?”
“We—I broke it off three weeks ago. I was afraid to make a commitment.”
“I see. You were afraid that you needed him.”
“Yes.” The single syllable was painfully expressive.
“And do you love him any less now than you did three weeks ago? Does not seeing him take him out of your heart or your mind?” Spring asked wisely.
“No.” Autumn dropped her head and closed her eyes, the receiver pressed close to her mouth. “No.”
“Then you need him.”
“Yes.”
“The final decision is yours, of course, Autumn. I can’t tell you what to do. But being afraid is such a paltry reason to throw away a chance for a lifetime of happiness, don’t you think?”
“I don’t know,” Autumn admitted after a pause. “I honestly don’t know.”