Orange leaves, turkey dinner, holiday shopping…I turned the corner and promptly bumped into someone.
“Oh shoot. I’m sorry. Let me get that. I—” I picked up the book the stranger dropped, then straightened…and froze. “Amanda. Hey. Are you heading into class?”
“Hi. No. Well, yes, I am going to class, but mine starts in thirty minutes.” She tossed her long hair over her shoulder and glanced back toward the parking lot before flashing a tepid smile.
Something in the tilt of her chin and her stiff posture made me wary. I hooked my thumb toward the lecture hall, wishing I was safely ensconced inside. “I thought you were taking global econ,” I said, stepping aside for a student rushing for the door.
“No. I sat in on a few lectures, but…I decided it might not be for me.”
I sensed an underlying message, but I sucked at guessing games. “Oh. No wonder I haven’t seen you lately.”
“I’ve been around. You just haven’t noticed,” she replied cryptically. “Water polo games, on campus, at parties…”
“Right. I saw you at Chelsea’s last weekend,” I said awkwardly as I stepped backward. “Um…I should—”
“Are you gay?” she blurted.
I stopped in my tracks. Blood drained from my face so fast that I felt faint. I swallowed around the cotton balls lodged in my throat and squinted.
“Why are you asking me that?” I hated my wobbly tone but on the other hand, I was surprised I could speak at all.
“I’ve noticed…things.”
I huffed in a lame attempt to suggest she had a great imagination, though my panicky expression probably gave me away. I needed to muster a little bravado. Something that clearly said “think what you want” before I walked away with my head high. Unfortunately my mouth and brain were not in sync.
“What kind of things?”
“You and Gabe are always together. You smile at him all the time, and you touch him a lot.”
“Touch him?” I repeated weakly.
“Yes. Arms, shoulders…ass.” She sighed theatrically, then pursed her red lips before continuing. “To be perfectly blunt, my question is more of a formality, Derek. I know you’re gay…or bi. I just need to hear you say it.”
“Why?”
“Because you owe it to me,” she snapped.
“Owe you? How do I—”
“I loved you, and you broke my heart. You were so casually cruel with your ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ bullshit. I gave you space all summer. I didn’t crowd you. I waited for you, but you’d moved on…with a guy.” She drew out those three words menacingly, stabbing a painted fingernail at my chest. “I couldn’t believe it at first, but I followed you and—”
“You followed me?”
“Yes. I’ve seen you and Gabe all over town…at the beach, the market, the mall, at parties, and at games.”
“We’re friends, Amanda.”
“Friends who fuck,” she countered. “You must be. I’ve seen you kiss when you don’t think anyone is around. Don’t bother lying. I just saw you making out in his car a few minutes ago.”
“So you’ve been spying on me,” I said in true Captain Obvious fashion.
In my defense, I didn’t know what to do or say. My heart was beating against my chest like a fucking jackhammer. Any second now I’d start babbling, if I wasn’t careful. I didn’t care what she thought about me, but I had to protect Gabe. He was infinitely better at pressure situations than I was, but he wasn’t ready to come out. Not now. Not like this.
“I didn’t spy, but I’ve been curious. Trust me, I’m not the only one who’s noticed. Your teammates might not say anything to your face, but they suspect something is up. Ask Troy. Or don’t. Look, I didn’t want to do this here but when I saw you kissing in the parking lot…” Amanda bit the inside of her cheek and sniffed before continuing with a pained expression. “I just want to know if he’s the real reason we didn’t make it.”
I gulped around the rising bile in my throat and gave her a harsh once-over. “Gabe has nothing to do with us. He’s my friend and teammate but that’s all. Leave him out of this,” I growled angrily.
“Hey, I didn’t say I was going to tell anyone. I don’t care if you’re gay or bi but I have a right—”
“You have no rights to my life. None. I don’t owe you anything. Say what you want about me but leave him the fuck alone.” I held her gaze for a long moment, then turned up the path and started walking.
I passed the econ building, the engineering building, the science building, and kept walking. I couldn’t see straight, and my mind had gone from holiday frivolity to a jumbled mess. I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. Not Gabe. Not yet anyway. I had to handle this without freaking him out. I felt so…violated. I couldn’t believe Amanda had followed me, and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed. I’d been looking at Gabe while everyone else had been looking at me. And I’d been perfectly oblivious.