I huffed incredulously and paced to the refrigerator and back again. “She saw us in your car this morning. She’s been following me. She knows about us.”
“Oh.” He furrowed his brow and then rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “That must be what Troy meant.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “What did he say?”
“Something about seeing you talking with her and…a rumor.”
“What kind of rumor?”
“You know…stupid shit people say when two guys spend a lot of time together.”
“That we’re gay,” I supplied, coming to a stop a foot away from him.
I studied his handsome face and saw the fear and longing coalesce. This was new to me, but it wasn’t new to Gabe. I felt his pain layered on top of my own. I hated that someone so strong and vibrant had cause to worry about being considered “less than” because of his sexuality. I hated that he’d become accustomed to covering up or downplaying one of the best parts of himself.
“I guess they know about us,” he whispered in a faraway tone.
I bit my lip hard enough to taste blood. “This is my fault. I’m so sorry.”
Gabe stepped closer and brushed a tear from my cheek. “Hey, don’t do that, baby. It’s going to be okay.”
“How?” I swallowed hard and let out an aggravated sigh.
“Nothing changes. We’re just going to do our thing. Go to school, go to practice. We’re not gonna worry about it. What we do is no one else’s business,” he said firmly.
“Yeah, but that’s not how it works. And if we weren’t at the end of our season and you weren’t on the national team, maybe this wouldn’t matter.” I pushed my hand through my hair in frustration. “She said she wouldn’t tell anyone, but I don’t trust her. The timing sucks and—”
“The timing is always going to suck.” He hollowed out his cheek with his tongue and stared at something beyond my shoulder before refocusing. “But I can’t change who I am. I don’t know how to do this, though. When you Googled gay sex, did you Google ‘how to come out’ too?”
I cocked my head curiously. “You want to come out?”
“I don’t think I have a choice,” he sighed. “Announcing it seems like a lot of work. Maybe I’ll just start wearing Pride T-shirts around campus. It’ll be a conversation starter. I saw one I kinda liked online that said ‘I prefer…’ and had a picture of a rooster. I mean, a cock. That oughta—”
“This isn’t a joke, Gabe.”
“No. But it’s also not the end of the world.”
“It might be the end of something else.”
Gabe narrowed his eyes and gave me a sharp look. “Like what?”
“Everything you’ve worked for. You can’t disrupt your life like that or blow your shot at your dream. It’s not right.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “Look, I didn’t go to practice today because I needed some space to think about what might happen. My parents will be surprised and confused, but they’ll probably be more freaked out about me not working for my dad than being bi. When the season ends, my water polo career is over. If I lose friends, they aren’t my real friends anyway. In a few months I’m going to graduate, and everything is going to change again. I have nothing to lose, but you do. I won’t stand in your way.”
“Are you breaking up with me?” he asked in cocking his head in confusion.
I pursed my lips and swallowed hard. “It’s not what I want, but—I can’t be with you and act like I don’t care. I’m in too deep, Gabe. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself. I always thought I was honest to a fault, but I’ve been living a lie. Maybe I had good reason. It was new and I was scared, and I didn’t want to rock the boat. But I can’t go on like this, and I can’t ask you to give up any portion of your dream for me.”
“Hang on.” Gabe held his hand up and shook his head. “So…you’re coming out, but you don’t want me to?”
“Yeah. If Amanda tells anyone she saw us kiss, I’ll say it was me coming on to you. Embarrassing for you because we’re teammates, blah, blah, blah…but you’re a cool guy and you didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I’ll be last week’s news in no time. People will forget me by graduation. And when they talk about you, they’ll talk about your killer cross-cage shot and how you’re going to kick ass in the next summer Olympics. Not who you sleep with. That’s how it should be. And that’s what I want for you.”
Gabe stared at me for a long moment. “You’d do that for me? Draw attention to yourself and potentially sacrifice your reputation…to save mine?”
“Of course.”
“Why?”
“I love you.”
We stared at each other in shock for a moment.