“I am too.”
“No. You’re not, Sean. You’re calm and controlled, even and measured. You’ve got it all figured out. Somehow, she makes you nervous.” I pointed in the general direction of the front door and shook my head ruefully. “I used to think it was a co-parent, ex-spouse thing. Something I couldn’t appreciate because I hadn’t been there. But that’s not it. It’s not Fiona. It’s not the kids. It’s you. You don’t want what I want.”
“Yes, I do,” he insisted. “I want you. You know I do.”
“Maybe so, but I don’t think it matters, because I don’t fit in your world. I’m never going to fit. We both know it. This started out as something easy and fun. It feels different now. And as much as I love being with you, I want so much more. More than you’ll ever be able to give me.” My voice cracked, and my eyes welled with unshed tears. “I need to let you go.”
“Hey, hey, hey. C’mere.” Sean pulled me to his chest and held me tight. “Tell me what you want. I’ll give you anything.”
“It doesn’t work like that.” I slumped against him, sighing unhappily. “Fuck, I wish it was that easy.”
He kissed my forehead and my nose. “It is that easy. You say the word, and it’s yours.”
I pushed out of his arms, tears spilling onto my cheeks. “You’re not listening. You’re trying to manage me. Put me in a box…someplace you think I’ll fit. Look at me, Sean. I’m not that guy. My life is complicated too. More complicated than I thought it was. I’m not safe anymore.”
“Are you talking about the Instagram post? It’ll blow over—”
“And another one will take its place. And you’ll still have an ex-wife, and you’ll still be worried about your kids. I’m not blaming you. I’m not angry with you. I get it. People I’ve never met in my life are making up stories about me and taking photos of me eating dinner and talking to friends. You’re never going to be safe with me. When they find out about you, they’ll ask about your kids and dog and your divorce and…I’m your worst nightmare. I see why you need to keep me separate. I understand that you need me to be your friend, but I just…I can’t.” I sucked in a ragged breath and then another. “I’m not your fucking friend. I’m not your friend. I’m not…”
“Baby, don’t—”
I held up my hand, then swiped at my face and sniffed. “I’m not. If you want to label me…I’m the guy who just loves you.”
“Johnny…”
“I love you. And I can’t be okay with less anymore. I just can’t. Less will only hurt both of us.”
I studied him, memorizing his square jaw, sad eyes, and the rigid set of his shoulders. He wanted everything I did. I knew it. But we were all or nothing now. Not just friends. I bent to pick up the meowing cat…and somewhere in the house, a timer went off, the dog started barking again, and life went on.
But not for me. Not here. It was time to go back to my real world.
Sean
Generally speaking, I was a pretty tough guy. But I was also my own worst enemy. I didn’t know how to say what I wanted when it came to matters of the heart. It was up to me to do my best with the choices I’d made. I wanted to be an attentive father, a fair partner to my ex, a generous employer, and a philanthropist for the LGBTQ community. I wanted to use whatever resources I had to make a difference. However, I was a bit more careful about using my voice.
A hero without a voice wasn’t much of a hero.
I couldn’t find it the next day either. I didn’t talk to a soul unless it was absolutely necessary. I worked from my home office and corresponded by texts or emails only. I ignored an urgent message from Darren and texted him to let him know I’d call him later. Maybe. Nothing pressing was happening on any of our deals, and our joint businesses were in order. Whatever it was could wait until I had my shit together. Which I’d hoped would happen before Parker and Penny arrived. It didn’t.
And I was a fucking mess.
I should have had a game plan. I should have known I might find myself here. And that should have been okay. I was good at being alone. I was good at building walls and keeping static at bay. But somehow Johnny had cracked the code and made his way inside. His absence was unbearable. How ironic was it that a man who dressed in black and couldn’t see color was the very essence of light and beauty? His smile, his laughter, his wicked sense of humor, and…fuck, everything.