“Hey,” I said, letting them in. “I’m sorry. I forgot.”
“It’s fine. We figured you were feeling crappy and sleeping in. I brought bagels,” Nic said.
“Sit down and tell us what’s up,” Trixie said, opening a cream cheese pouch and squeezing it out on half a cinnamon raisin bagel.
I grabbed a blueberry bagel, sniffed it cautiously, and when my stomach didn’t roil in a threatening way, I ventured to take a bite. It tasted okay, nice and chewy, not too strong or anything. I took another bite and then looked at Trixie with puppy dog eyes.
“You want me to go to the fridge and get you a Diet Coke, right?” she groaned.
“Pleeeease?” I wheedled. She laughed and got me a cold can of Diet Coke. I cracked it open and took a sip, “God, that’s good. Wait, can I have caffeine?”
“A little is fine. Make sure you drink your water. If I couldn’t have had coffee, I wouldn’t have survived. My doctor said it wasn’t a big deal as long as it wasn’t all I drank.”
“Thank you,” I said, sipping my fizzy drink and nibbling at the bagel gratefully, glad I wasn’t puking.
“So what’s going on?” Nic said. “Since you’re not barfing.”
“I went out last night with Drew and his brother. We were having a great time. It got heavy for a few minutes when Greg started telling me how sick Drew was with, like, grief when he broke up with me years ago. He said it was like when his wife’s dad died, it was that kind of grief. And it made me want to cry and kiss him, kiss Drew, I mean, not his brother.”
“Awww,” Trixie said, “see, I told you he’s not a bad guy.”
“Yeah, well I had to excuse myself to pee and when I came back from the bathroom, I could hear him talking to his brother.”
“Was he talking about some other girl having a nice ass? Because they all check out other women,” Trixie remarked, “just cause they’re taken don’t mean they’re dead.” She laughed.
“No. I overheard him tell Greg that marriage and kids were never in the cards for him,” I confessed. Then I swallowed hard to keep from crying. “He doesn’t want us. Not me, and not my baby. He couldn’t have made it clearer if he wore a t-shirt that had it printed on it.”
“That’s a very specific t-shirt. I doubt it would sell much,” Nicole said. “And you don’t know the context of what he was talking about. Remember when I saw Noah leave the bar after that girl, and then I assumed they went home together? I made myself sick over it and I was convinced he was just using me for sex. And I was wrong.”
“I was there. I remember,” Trixie said thoughtfully, “and it did look bad.”
“The point is I was completely wrecked over it, but you can’t be sure that what you think you heard was the whole story. Ask him. You need to talk to him.”
“I can’t. I have too much at stake, and I’m scared to hear the answer. Because he’s going to try to explain it away when I know what I heard. He’d just be sugar coating it to make it sound better when the truth is, he told his brother he doesn’t want to have kids or get married. I never want to trap him into a relationship or raising a kid together or anything. I’d know in my heart that he didn’t this and I forced it on him. It would be just like when he decided we should break up and dumped me. I’d be deciding we should be a family and making him be a father when he doesn’t want it.”
“Or, it’s possible what you’re doing now is just like what he did to you. Deciding you know what’s best for him and what he really wants. Without asking him,” Trixie suggested.
I shook my head. “I know what I heard. I know what I felt. It sickens me to think of it, of how ready I was to tell him and see how he reacted, face his disappointment or even his anger, but once I heard that, I knew I had my answer.”
“You don’t have an answer till you ask a question, sweetie,” Trixie insisted.
“I’m done. I can’t tell him. It was probably lucky for me I overheard. It saves me having to watch him lie to my face to try and spare my feelings. He would swear up and down that he wants me and the baby. Even though he’d feel trapped and miserable. I won’t ruin his life. I’m having this baby because I want to. That doesn’t have to tie him to us. I’m going to cut my losses and raise the baby on my own. At least I’m not in limbo anymore, wondering how he’ll react,” I said. I felt so weary, and that half a bagel I ate was churning in my stomach.