“The fuck I don’t.” Pacing into the living area, Wes pulled at his hair. “You bastard. You couldn’t wait. I had a fucking plan. I was going to tell you.”
Oh, Wes with a plan was a scary thing—and knowing him, big risk and explosions were involved. “A plan? More sneaking around—”
“No. Not that.” Wes gulped in some air. “Waiting. I was going to ask you to wait. My contract’s up next year. I was going to tell you that I would not re-up. Because the team—and your career—need you far more than they need me. Let me be the one to leave.”
“Nope.” Dustin shook his head. “Not gonna let you do that. Because this isn’t about you. I’m not leaving for you.”
“It’s not? You’re not?” Looking totally defeated, Wes flopped onto the couch.
“I was distracted as fuck on our last mission. I’m a danger to the team if I can’t do the job right. Luckily, nothing bad has happened so far, but I can’t continue this way. And it’s not your fault—”
“The fuck it’s not.” Wes raked his hands down his thighs. “This is all my fault. I pushed for more contact after I got stationed here. I didn’t tell you I was a SEAL up front. And now you tell me you’re too twisted up to work? How is that not my fault? How am I supposed to not feel guilty over that? You’re one of the absolute best operators, about to get your own team, and you’re giving it all up—for what?”
“For me.” Dustin crouched in front of him so that he wasn’t looming over him. “I’m giving it up for me. Because the past year, longer if I’m honest, I’ve been just going through the motions. Chatting with you—even back when you were Saucer-Man—was the highlight of my day. And it wasn’t just that all my friends and brother went and got coupled up. The job lost something for me. Still not sure what, but something changed. I changed. And I kept looking more and more forward to contact with you.”
“Same.” Wes chewed on his lower lip, eyes deep and pained still.
“I’m not going to let you take the blame for what happened after you got assigned here. I needed you every bit as much as you needed me. I was just as guilty for the messages and chats. And I didn’t want to give up the single best thing in my life. That’s on me, not you.”
“But if you were distracted—that is my fault. I told you we had to quit—”
“Which was the right call,” Dustin said firmly. “We were playing a dangerous game, one which had to end. But I can’t be on the team with you. Can’t see you every day and never talk to you. Can’t hear updates on your life and wonder what I’m not hearing. Can’t deal with the distraction of having you there but not having you, but like I said, that’s on me. That’s my deal. So, the way I saw it, either I ask for a transfer, and open up a lot of questions and suspicions neither of us needs, or I get out. Start fresh. Get my head on straight.”
“So this isn’t about us? Not about making it so that we can be together?” Wes blinked, hurt and confusion apparent in his eyes.
“No.” It had taken Dustin days to sort out his own motivations and thoughts here, but he kept coming back to the fact that he was doing this for himself. “Even if you don’t want a future, I need to do this for me. For the team. I did this knowing full well that me leaving doesn’t take away the legal risks, not completely. And you might not want to deal with that. Doesn’t matter. I still need to do this.”
“But what are you going to do?” Wes shook his head. He didn’t rush to assure Dustin that he did want a future, which honestly, Dustin had expected even as it stung. This was a lot to deal with all at once.
“I called my old friend Paul. I’m going to do some security contract consulting for him. Get my feet wet in the private sector, see if that feels right to me. If it doesn’t, who knows? Maybe I’ll go back to school. All I know is that I have to keep trying until I find something that feels better than the last few years have. I’m not going to sleepwalk through my life anymore.”
“But...” Wes licked his lower lip, and the urge to kiss him was almost overwhelming. “They were going to give you your own team. How do you know that that’s not what you needed? That could have been your purpose, what you were waiting for.”
“I suppose,” Dustin allowed, shrugging. “But I couldn’t stick around to find out. And talking to Paul, I think I’ll have all the challenge I need if I want it. I’m tired of feeling jealous when I talk to him about his life without the navy’s hoops. This isn’t a zero-sum game. I’ll have more flexibility in the private sector, and they can use my skill set. Might be a win-win.”