I have to shake myself away from tripping and falling down the sewer rat hole of the past. Yeah, because there isn’t anything good at the end of it. It’s definitely not rabbit dens filled with wild adventures as this is just a big black hole of nope. The past belongs in the past, as do my feelings. Except now, it’s like the sewer has been opened, and all the stuff is spewing out. Not the nicest image, I know, though maybe there are a few good things in there. Like lost keys or a coin that was dropped down. Good memories. But regardless, they’re all mingled up with the crap, which just makes them a nice sewer stew of hard no’s.
“Toren was with me when Charlotte called to tell me she was moving, and he wants to be in Milo’s life. I know I can’t tell him no now. I mean, he’s rich, and he comes from a family with a big buttpot of money. He can do anything he wants now that he knows about Milo. Legally, I mean. And he’d win too. He’s rich enough.”
“Would he do that?” Rose asks so softly that I barely hear her.
I’ve been asking myself that all day, and every time I think about it, I already know he wouldn’t. “No.” Hearing myself say it out loud helps me believe it. “He wouldn’t. That’s not Toren. He’s smart. I swear, he might actually be a genius. He was also never cruel. When he ended things, he just…he couldn’t deal with things from his past, things his dad did to him and his family. He felt a certain way about relationships. He wanted to be the exception. He wanted to make it, but then he listened to all the doubts, hurts, and pain and chose to protect himself instead.”
Rose nods again. She’s like Toren in that way. So very quiet, but not in a bad way. I’ve met very few people who know how to make others feel heard and understood. Toren was one, and Rose is another.
“He wants to know if he can watch Milo until I find another nanny. Or if I say no, he’ll defer to my judgment and let me make a schedule. He isn’t going to force me to do anything. Not even tell Milo until I’m ready.”
“For someone who made the biggest mistake not seeing your value and letting you go, he seems like he might have gotten a little smarter over the past five years.”
My heart skitters, all jumpy, fluttery, and weird.
Everyone knows the past is a live beast—a coiling and surging dragon that loves to make an appearance, blast fire, burp smoke, and invade a person’s general sense of peace and solitude. Their sense of the present.
“I…I hope so.”
“So, the biggest challenge isn’t going to be figuring out how to let him back into your life or how to protect your son. I think you already know he would never hurt Milo. He’s missed a lot, and he’s not going to take another second for granted. He was a fool back then, and he knows it. He hurt himself in so many ways he couldn’t imagine, and now he knows. He knows, and he has to live with it, and it’s going to drive him to be better, moving forward.”
“I…wow. Yes. I hope so.”
“I think the biggest problem isn’t figuring out how Milo’s dad fits into Milo’s life. It’s how he’s going to fit into yours.”
There it is again—that flip flop of a flutter inside my chest. My heart is doing strange heart things that it hasn’t done in years.
“Maybe he’s committed to someone else,” Rose says, but she says it in a way that means she doesn’t believe it.
“Yeah,” I mutter, but I don’t believe it either.
Toren would have said so. Also, he broke up with me because he wanted to keep himself safe, so I don’t think he would have gone from me to someone else. Even if he dated after, it wouldn’t have been anything serious. Although, if it were, I would be happy for him. Yes, I darn well would be because I’m not a liar. I’d be happy because it would make everything so much simpler.
“Doubtful, though,” Rose adds.
“Yeah.”
We sit there on the bench, both of us watching Milo race around the park. He’s gone from an airplane to making strange animal sounds. I can’t figure out if he’s supposed to be a cow or a dinosaur or maybe some sort of screechy bird. The birds at our feet continue pecking at the seed, undisturbed by the distant noise.
“So, what are you going to do?”
That’s what I’ve been thinking about all afternoon. What. Am. I. Going. To. Do?
“I guess I’ll let him take over the nanny job until I can find someone else, then make a visitation schedule. I truly believe it’s what’s best for Milo, now that I know Toren is genuinely sorry for what he said. Saying you don’t want kids as an abstract and finding out you’re a dad are two different things. It’s shocking, jarring. What he said, he did say five years ago. And you’re right. He seems to have grown up. As a guy, thirty-four is a lot different than being in the late twenties.”